Here's a way to establish whether you're famous or you're a nobody: next time you have to replace your toilet, drag the old one out to the front lawn. If you're like me, it will sit out there 'til doomsday. I know, because many of my nobody neighbors have done this. If, on the other hand, your old toilet is gone within a day or two, you must be famous.

Lots of people are famous. But only a select few break through to become cult figures. And when you're a cult figure, you know better than to put your old toilet out on the lawn. You either destroy it to keep it out of circulation or you offer it on eBay, where admirers will bid up the price for the honor of shitting where you shat.

It is the Old Toilet Auction Test that allows us to proclaim without reservation that Jerry Garcia, deceased guitarist and singer for the Grateful Dead, does indeed belong in the Parthenon of cult figures: because three of his old toilets are going up on eBay [1]. Bidding on the toilets, one of which we show here, starts at $500. Along with the toilet the high bidder will receive a certificate of authenticity stating that the toilet came from Garcia's house. The seller is Henry Koltys, who bought Garcia's mansion in 1997. Koltys admits that he "can't represent that Jerry Garcia actually used the toilets."

"But he lived in the house," Koltys adds. "He was human... you can make reasonable assumptions."

Think about that. The seller is carefully explaining that he can't guarantee Garcia actually shat in these toilets; and because of that uncertainty, the toilets probably won't sell for quite as much. When you're famous, some people may worship the ground on which you've walked; but when you're a cult figure, they worship the throne on which you've shat.

[2]

Thanks go to Rick Popko [3] for sending us this story. He's the guy that made the horror movie Monsturd [4], which, I guess, means he's getting close to being famous. But Rick, don't drag your old toilet out on the lawn quite yet.