An impossible task.
I and a few other PoopReporters poured through these 200+ stories that made it from my inbox and into the an(n)als of history. This year-end retrospective was overwhelming. I thank each and every PoopReporter for their contribution in 2005; the stories get better and better. This list invariably left out more than a few worthy submissions, and for that I apologize. No one is ever fully happy with these year-in-review thingies. I picked six stories that represented -- to me -- the pinnacle of the PoopReporting form. I pulled them from the toilet and laid them each on the kitchen table humbly; from this presentation, I asked you to pick the best of the best. Five returned to our collective and glorious cesspool; the sixth is now bronzed and hung above the mantle. (Don't worry, I cleaned the kitchen table.)
POOPREPORT OF THE YEAR 200535% (73 votes)
32% (67 votes)
11% (23 votes)
9% (18 votes)
7% (15 votes)
6% (13 votes)
Total votes: 209
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Congratulations to Murf for his amazing, unforgettable tale of anguish and humiliation. We at PoopReport will forever honor him. We will pass his story on to our sons and daughters. His example will help shape future generations. Murf, Poopreport.com, America, and the whole world thank you.
As I write this, my inbox has fifty-five stories awaiting publication -- fifty-five that I've selected from the dozens of (mostly terrible) stories sent to me every week as worthy of publication on this site. Some of them have languished in my inbox for months, and will never see the light of day. Alas, that is the nature of PoopReporting: like a flotilla of healthy, fiber-filled grogans, the ones that rise to the top do so on the greasy backs of those below.
Please enjoy 2005's other standout submissions, as printed below. Take them slow and pass each one at a deliberate pace -- they are each one a wonderful memory of 2005, and each one should serve only to whet your appetitive further what 2006 will bring us. You feel that rumble in your stomach? That low-pitched shudder that makes you wonder if now might be a good time to pick up your newspaper and sojourn to the nearest facilities? That audible gurgle emanating from your large intestine and moving through your body like a handyman pounding thoughtfully on different points of a wall, checking for weak spots? That, my fellow PoopReporters, is anticipation. See you in 2006.
BEST STORIES TO INSPIRE EMPATHY (AND MAKE YOU GLAD FOR YOUR OWN GOOD HEALTH)
Suffering Celiac [8] by Poopster39
Four Breaks [9] by Pill Pooper
BEST GOING ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DOODIE BY EATING SEVEN CLOVES OF RAW GARLIC
Just A Drop: The Power To Deodorize (Almost) Every Poop [11] by Chris Rockwell
...BY EATING LOTS OF STUFF TO CELEBRATE THE SUMMER STOOLSTICE
Going Long: An Attempt To Observe The Summer Stoolstice [12] by DungDaddy
...BY EATING A BUNCH OF STUFF TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS
Prime Rib Special And The End Of Innocence [13] by Goatroper
STORY THAT MADE DAVE LAUGH OUT LOUD WHEN HE READ IT EVEN THOUGH HE READS HALF A DOZEN POOP STORIES EVERY DAY
The Heartbroken Wind Breaker [14] by PatrioticPooper
...AND YET ANOTHER, EVEN THOUGH DAVE SWEARS HE'S NOT A MISOGYNIST
He Shat, She Sat [15] by PatrioticPooper
BEST FATHER AND SON MOMENT
Bathrooms Fouled, Then And Now [16] by Rexcrement
BEST TEAM EFFORT
The Fantastic Five [17] by Darth Viper
BEST FIRST TIME
My Ass Comes Of Age [18] by The Big Wiper
BEST APPLICATION OF AN ARCHAIC LITERARY FORM
The Disc Jockey's Constipated Wife's Tale: A Poop Report in Classic Form [19] by The Big Wiper
BIGGEST CELEBRITY INTERVIEW OF THE YEAR
MythBusters: Scents And Sensibility [20] by Dave
MOST MOVING TRIBUTE #1
Al Bundy's Ferguson [21] by Pill Pooper
...#2
My Mother [22] by The Artist Formerly Known As Poo-Poo
...#3
The Lav Of My Life: The Big Wiper's High School Bathroom [23] by The Big Wiper
...#4
Regret [24] by Bunga Din
MOST CONVINCING PROOF OF THE EXISTENCE OF GOD
Finding God in the Desert [25] by Goatroper
BEST TALE OF WORKPLACE WOE
The Assistant Plumber's Life [26] by Pill Pooper
MOST UNEXPECTED ENDING
Mire In The Hole [27] by Pill Pooper
LONGEST STORY (I THINK)
The Turd Terrorists Of Almaty, Kazakhstan [28] by Vertical Grimace
MOST HORRIFYING STORIES
Assisted Delivery [29] by Poopster39
The Grossest Thing I Ever Saw [30] by Big Bad John
BEST ZEN MOMENT
Zen Poop [31] by SamDamnit!
MOST VIVID MOMENT OF TACHYPSYCHIA
Jerk And Clean [32] by Shittin' and Grinnin'
HONORABLE MENTIONS
"You Choke De Bowl, Mon." [33] by Poopster39
The Poop Pump [34] by Poopster39
The Little Visitor [35] by Devin D
The Japanese Check-Up [36] by Great White
Alas, Man Is Finite In Faculties [37] by Winnie The Poo