It seemed like a perfectly logical equation to me: PS < WC. Paper Smearing is less effective than Water Cleanup.

After researching many devices (who knew there exists such a plethora of available butt washers?), I discovered a host of products with a dizzying array of features. All of them attach in some way to an existing toilet -- either as a replacement seat, a seat attachment, or even a bowl attachment. After hours of investigation, I was overwhelmed by choices; and although I knew I would be getting one of these cool gadgets, my dilemma was: how do I narrow them down and pick the right device?

Well, one of the first things to consider when making any purchase is cost versus value. All of the replacement-type seats I looked at were way cool, but those came with the highest

[3] Panasonic Intimist

The other extremely cool options were toilet add-ons. Although these have much less whiz-bang, so to speak, they are every bit as serviceable and usually much simpler to install. Some fold out of sight, while others are permanently positioned. The fold-away model made the most sense to me.

[5] The GoBidet

After all this research, I made my decision and placed my order. The next few days seemed like a blur, but soon the UPS man was at the door delivering my new toy. I read the instructions and began to install this chrome-plated beauty. Sure enough, it was very sturdy, almost bulletproof. The valve worked like a charm, and the installation was not too difficult. The water connection was a breeze.

The first bit of trouble I had was that the return spring was depicted backward on the instructions, and the bidet would not retract as drawn. It was simple to figure out the problem, however, and soon I had a beautiful installation. The only other problem I encountered was that this device is rather stout, and thus the toilet seat had to be elevated slightly to facilitate the clearance needed. The company supplies rubber feet for this purpose, but I wish they had supplied four instead of just two -- that would have made the seat clearance issue simpler. Nonetheless, with only a few household tools and about an hour of work, I was ready for my test drive.

The first time I used it, I rotated the handle too far and sprayed water all over the bathroom. This was just a learning issue, though, and by the second use, I was aiming like a pro. I still remember that the first time I turned it on -- I clenched with all my might and got ready for a cold shot. Much to my amazement, however, the cool water actually felt great! The cleansing was awesome and the water pressure fully adjustable from a gentle rinse to a mighty stream that would easily reach the ceiling if no one were seated above it.

After water cleaning, wiping is entirely unnecessary. The only thing needed is a couple of squares to pat dry. Even those squares come out clean from fecal matter. For my preferences, this product far exceeded my expectation in both quality and serviceability.

Things I have learned since my bidet purchase: yeah, I may be biased, but I think everyone should have a bidet, particularly those who suffer from ‘roids, eat mucho spicy food, or have physical limitations that make traditional wiping difficult.

Another issue I discovered: the direct stream from the bidet can be used as a makeshift enema. This blew my mind. If you've ever experienced a stool so dry and hard it almost rips your o-ring coming out or even gets stuck halfway, you would give a hundred dollars for one good burst from this bidet. When I get on the throne in the morning, I give myself a good shot before I defecate, thus lubing the pipes. Then even the largest, driest, most difficult logjam slips easily out. After a normal movement, even when I think I'm clean, I relax the sphincter and give myself a squirt right up the middle and into the lower part of the colon. One would scarcely believe the stuff that's left in one's colon after defecation. Usually several more substantial chunks of fudge come out -- chunks which would otherwise have been there festering until the next movement.

Although I heartily recommend a bidet in every bathroom, there are a couple of downsides. My particular model, the USABidet, has a few small drawbacks, but these are minor considering the wonderful health benefits. First, this unit tends to "air hammer," a phenomenon which occurs when air is trapped inside the part of the pipe opposite the nozzle. It causes a chatter that sounds like a jackhammer on the pipe. This could be bad for the Shameful Shitters in our midst, but it can be controlled by careful use of the valve. I haven't tried the one-handed model, but I don't think this would be a problem for that design.

The second issue I have is that the arcing motion tends to shoot mostly towards the middle of the arc, so the back-and-forth motion of the spray is extremely limited. Although this is easily overcome by gently rocking yourself back and forth, a little more aiming ability would have been nice.