It was around noon, third hour history class. All this talk of the Great Depression and World War II was unsettling to my amusement, as well as my stomach. I started to feel ill. I jealously thought about my classmates, wishing my burden upon them and their relief upon me.
However, wishing just don't cut it. I had to go, and soon. I still had three more hours of school, not to mention the bus ride home. I had to act fast.
At my school you only get five minutes between classes. A five-minute drop-and-go wasn't enough time for this battle. My only option was to sit through class, miserably holding my cheeks together until the bell rang and I could find relief. Once class was over, my plan was to skip on down to the loo, do my business, and then just sit and wait until fifth hour, since I wasn't gonna make it to fourth on time.
The bell rang and I sprang from my seat. When I got up, the little prick tried to birth himself; but I held out just fine. I casually walked down to the restroom. A calming song rang in my head, giving me comfort. Oh, how I wanted my beloved mom to be holding my hand right about now. Pooping in school is like the opposite of losing your virginity -- you try not to give in and fight. But God, that greasy pizza I had for breakfast had other plans.
I was about to sit on the toilet, wondering if I should lay down a toilet paper bed for my rump. Instead, I choose to be brave. I stared at my shoes as the brown baby took its first breath of fresh air. It was just an ordinary deposit. Nothing special about this performance. But this war wasn't over. The worst had yet to begin.
I heard the door swing open. Outside air rushed In, as well as the laughter of my... it couldn't possibly be… MY PRINCIPAL!!! Oh, shit! My heart sank. I could feel a massive surge of adrenaline running through my body.
Of all the things I could have done, I just sat there and pretended as if I had been sitting in his office. I tried to relax, but then it hit me like a freight train. I was shitting with the principal!
He took a stall next to mine -- the only one available -- and got busy.
He must have been short on time, because only minutes after he sat down, he left. The smell from his excrement was just ungodly. I wiped, and wiped, and wiped just tiny bit more, hoping my gift would all go down without resistance. Luckily, it did.
As I was about to exit the loo, my curiosity got the best of me. I peered over the stall wall only to find the most god-awful remnants I had ever seen. My poo-mate had painted the toilet bowl a near-solid dark brown. And, unlike me, he hadn't had such a good time with disposal. Little floaters held their ground. The smell was unbearable. That fat bastard… oh, my God, I was in disbelief.
I glanced at my watch. Fifth hour began in only five minutes. The time seemed to fly. I had the best story for all my friends.
That was the first and last time I had ever shit in school. Looking back, I still can't believe it.