"Hey Dave,Those of you who have been here long enough remember our dear, departed Poonurse. During her time as PoopReport's resident medical advisor, she answered a staggering wealth of questions about poop [2]. And then, one dark day, she just disappeared."I noticed that Poonurse seems to have disappeared. I don't know if you need someone to "fill" any shoes in that department or not, but if so, I am a Certified Nurse Assistant. I work in hospitals, nursing homes and do a little private duty on the side in a patient's own home on occasion. Regardless of where I am working, a lot of my job revolves around pooping people and their productions, or assisting them in making a production. (Enemas. Eeww.)
My father had ulcerative colitis, and colon cancer runs in my family to the extent that we actually have "preventative reunions" where members of our family that are over 40 get together and go have a colonosopy every 5 years. (Thank goodness I am only 38.) So far 5 people have died from colon cancer on my mother's side in the last 20 years.
Since then, I have tried my best to pick up her slack. I get probably a dozen questions a week from concerned poopers -- why is my poop green? Why is my poop bloody? Why is my poop full of mucus? I've answered as many as I could to the best of my knowledge -- knowledge derived, I admit, almost solely from Poonurse's collected teachings. It was a poor substitute for real medical advice.
But the poop gods have smiled upon us, opened their holy holes wide, and deposited into the upper deck of our collective toilet a mass known as Motherload. She's already proven to us her humor and her wit and her intimate knowledge with bowel suffering. Now, as it turns out, she's got the medical background to use her powers for good.
In the next couple of days, thanks to Motherload, PoopReport will once again resume the public service of answering readers' questions about poop. And I'd like to thank Motherload in advance for her wisdom that will trickle down into our vast bowl. The bowels cause immeasurable suffering in our society -- suffering compounded by the fact that most people are too embarrassed to ask anyone about their problems. Thanks to Motherload, these people will soon have snarky-but-true answers to their butts' greatest mysteries.