Read the finalists, vote for your favorite, and then pray it doesn't come true.
(And check out all the original entries [2].)
SCENARIO #1 | by Motherload
Investigators sifted through the rubble that was a result of a massive explosion in a home in New York yesterday. The first thoughts by authorities were of concern that terrorist activities were being plotted and that weapons of mass destruction were possibly being produced from within the residence. But it has been concluded that this was not the cause of this catastrophic event, and fear of terrorism in this case was unwarranted.
Apparently, a massive pocket of methane had accumulated in the sewer system right under the home of the only victim of this horrible incident. It is believed that the owner of the home was in the midst of defecating when the bubble of methane made its way up through the toilet pipes, and was immediately met head-on with a simultaneous gaseous eruption from the victim. This resulted in a spark, which ignited the gas and resulted in an explosion with such devastating effects that all that remains of the victim are his fingers that were burned to the keyboard of his laptop.
It seems that, according to the information gathered by the forensic investigators, the victim was none other than Dave Praeger—owner and editor of the popular web site devoted to the intellectual appreciation of poop humor. He was logged in to the site and in the process of posting an article about the dangers of defecating when the event that ended his life occurred.
SCENARIO #2 by Mr. Intolerance
I really think Dave will die a simple death, by a method I've seen a number of times in my line of work. Dave will get very constipated for about a week, then the moment will arrive to evacuate, he'll sit down and push with all his might, but the kicker is that while he's pushing, he slows his heart rate down, a condition called the vagal maneuver, causing a loss of blood to his brain, killing him within minutes. Can you picture it, an un-wiped Dave, dead on his throne, the King of PoopReport. It can happen. I've seen it before.
SCENARIO #3 by Healthy 1
Former founder of PoopReport.com was killed this morning as he sat typing on his portable laptop, at the local park. He was run down by a ten wheeler on its way to the local sewage treatment plant with a full load of raw sewerage. The driver claimed he ate at McDonalds shortly prior to the incident, and was speeding because he had to go to the bathroom; but police know that the driver is just full of shit. Back to you at the studio.
SCENARIO #4 by Anal About Poop
His local market was out of his usual brand of toilet paper so he had to venture into unknown waters and purchase a different brand. It looked harmless and promises absorbency. He hesitates, but being the brave adventurer that he was and relying on the knowledge he had acquired from previous close calls he goes ahead with the decision. He was in his element after all. He knew how to handle sticky situations if they aroused. Just like Erwin the urge for satisfaction came one morning. However, that morning the thing he knew and trusted would betray him. The clear blue water beaconed. After much toil a wave of satisfaction overcame him and he knew it was time to resurface. He was running late this expedition had taken to much time. In one graceful move, rivaled only by ballet dancers, he pulled the TP and wiped. He instantly felt a pain that penetrated to his very core. As he looked at the bloodied TP he instantly realized his mistake. The killer TP was not soft and gentle, but coarse and abrasive. In his haste he had wipe too briskly and ruptured a bulging hemorrhoid. Dave bled out in the clear blue water that day. His fans, friends and family were left to wonder how this could have happened to a bloke like Dave. He had always seemed to be in complete control.
As revenge some of his fans went on a rampage smashing toilets and burning TP, but that's not what Dave would have wanted.
SCENARIO #5 by L Wrong Hubbard
After a colossal four-cheese pizza, Dave gets the worst constipation he has ever experienced. While recuperating, the number of unchecked email and stories to be uploaded continues to pile up. Dave's server overloads, his PC short-circuits and he dies, constipated, in a terrible house fire.
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Vote your favorite ironic death for Dave: SCENARIO #1 | by Motherload 45% SCENARIO #2 by Mr. Intolerance 16% SCENARIO #3 by Healthy 1 16% SCENARIO #4 by Anal About Poop 16% SCENARIO #5 by L Wrong Hubbard 8% Total votes: 76 |
HONORABLE MENTION
I know this was lamed; but between the misspellings, the all-caps, and the actual content, I thought it was hilarious.
Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 09.08.2006
HE JUST DIES CUZ NOBODIE GIVE A SHIT