Mark Pestrella, a Los Angeles County works official, has been assigned to determine what is causing large amounts of toxins to appear in the water along one of the most celebrity-studded areas of the California coast -- toxins which, if inhaled or ingested during swimming, could cause serious illness. Pestrella remarks that his task would get "messy" once the investigation wound its way to private septic systems -- because some of those septic systems hold celebrity poop [1].

And we're not talking about your everyday celebrities here. We're talking about Green Team members like Sting, Tom Hanks, and Ted Danson, and gung-ho environmental advocates like A-lister Pierce Brosnan (check his website [2] to see what kind of man he really is at heart). To suggest that residents along this pristine, private stretch of oceanfront property would have septic systems that are contributing to the pollution of our so-very important coastline is tantamount to high-society blasphemy.

Because of the exclusive nature of the residents, and the tradition and the political figures protecting them, Mr. Pestrella is fighting an uphill battle. So he's conducting DNA tests on the fouled seawater.

Why do these stars use septic tanks at all? Because the city of Malibu has worked very hard to prevent sewage lines from being constructed, so as to limit population density and thus enable this West Coast paradise to maintain its quaintly rustic quality. The only way to accomplish such a feat has been to allow private septic tanks.

The locals are sticking to their belief that an upstream wastewater treatment plant, among other pollutants, is the true source of this contamination. All parties involved are hoping that the DNA tests will show that animals, not humans, are the genetic source of the contamination. According to an email written by fellow bunnyhugger Pamela Anderson, local chicken farms and other types of animal agriculture will be found to blame. "When the results of these tests come back, I'll bet that once again we'll find that ... people's meat addiction, not their septic tanks, is causing this pollution. The best thing any of us can do to fight pollution is to adopt a vegetarian diet." You go girl!

The DNA investigation will cost more than a million dollars, and will begin in areas of heavier poop traffic, such as near restaurants. If human matches are found, fines up to $30,000 could result, coupled with orders to upgrade whatever septic systems are exposed to be below par. The DNA tests will not, however, be used to match specific stars to specific pieces of poop.

Tracy Egoscue, the lead figure of the Santa Monica Baykeeper [3], believes that this investigation is actually a stall tactic that will allow other wrongs to go unpunished. She believes that this is yet another case of poor resource management and lax treatment of one of California's most beautiful resources. After all, this is not the first time Santa Monica Bay has caused trouble for surrounding municipalities. In 1985, twelve miles of coast had to be closed for two months -- due to septic overflow.