What about toilet tells? Is it possible to determine whether or not someone has to go (or how bad they have to go) by his or her bits of body language? Of course it is.
For starters, there's the very obvious one: crossing your legs, or putting your hands over or down around your crotch area, or hopping around due to an impending #1. I call this the Bursting Bladder Bit.
I firmly believe in the toilet tell; I know I have observed others. The first one I'll mention is the Focused Fecal Fastwalk. The other day I was getting some exercise in the mall when I noticed a young guy coming at me in the opposite direction. Only he wasn't just walking -- there was a crispness to his step that suggested something else might be going on. Mind you, he wasn't running as if to outrun the runs. But he maintained a clipped pace, and he was craning his neck in all directions -- a sure tipoff to Restroom Sign Reconnaissance.
He had no sooner passed me than his mission was met with success. Spotting the restroom sign with an arrow to the right, he peeled off and headed over to the passageway just off the main mall. I'd read his tell. He'd had his personal plumbing on his mind, and I was willing to bet that he would soon be seated for a #2 performance.
The proof of his pudding occurred fifteen minutes and one round of the mall later. I was approaching that same passageway when he emerged at a somewhat slower pace, looking refreshed. No one takes fifteen minutes to piss.
There is also the Fastidious Fecal Fidget. That can take many forms, but the usual sign is a shifting of one's weight while sitting in a chair. I can recall this happening both to me and to some of my classmates in high school. One morning in geometry class, a particular friend of mine in the next row kept sliding back and forth, right to left, very subtly. It was almost as if he were trying to avoid sitting on a tack. I was observing all of this out of the corner of my eye, registering it subconsciously more than anything else. Sure enough, his hand eventually shot up, and he asked permission from the teacher to go to the restroom. He was gone a good fifteen minutes, and when he returned, the look on his face was one of simultaneous relief and embarrassment. I'm sure he knew we all knew he'd painted the porcelain; and only the most supremely Shameless person could have reacted otherwise.
Then there's the Bowlegged Cowboy Crawl. That's the one where the suspect has something so heavy and burdensome clogging the pipe down there and just begging to come out that they do the opposite of the Focused Fecal Fastwalk. There may even have been a shart or two involved for good measure. The pace here is very slow and measured, with the legs a bit wider apart than normal. I once observed a boyhood friend of mine (I'll call him Mike) executing this maneuver perfectly. A group of us guys were out playing in the yard when Mike moved over to me in slow motion and said in a whisper: "I'm about to mess in my pants. Can I go inside and use your bathroom?" Of course I said yes. He was gone for quite a while, but I'll never forget the image of him making his way slowly and carefully in bowlegged fashion to the house, looking like he had a Thanksgiving turkey or part of a transmission wedged between his legs. (And yes, I guess it's possible he had already done it in his pants and was too embarrassed to confess it. In that case I guess we should call the maneuver the Lumbering Lost Load Limbo.)
There are surely other toilet tells that PoopReporters can identify and discuss on the ensuing thread. But it goes without saying that these toilet tells do not function the same way that poker tells do. There's no advantage to be gained by observing them in others, unless it's just for subtle amusement or corroboration of human nature and certain behaviors. One of the purposes of PoopReport is to demythologize and even declassify, if you will, bathroom activities that many heretofore have been brought up to consider forbidden or just "too much information" for polite consumption.
What these tells ultimately do is verify the commonality of our bladder and bowel habits in everyday life. I can visualize the bumper sticker now: "First you're telling, then you're smelling!"