Having made my way through the store, I was at the very back, near the meat department -- the absolute deadest corner of the store, traffic-wise. And what should my gaze fall upon? A matronly old woman with a sample stand, GIVING OUT GIFT BAGS OF FREE TOILET PAPER!
Usually I'm quick to be a grabber of anything free; but for some reason, I hesitated. I looked around and noticed no one carrying one of these bags. Had she just set up her sample stand? Why was this set up in the most remote corner of the store? Surely this was something that should have been right in the main aisle; but they had forsaken her to relative anonymity in the back. Is toilet paper something that even Costco, a marvel at selling shit, is not comfortable with?
I approached and was greeted with, "This is a new product. You will find it in the personal care aisle" -- which was about as far from her station as you could get. I thanked her and walked along, quite happy, my tiny bag firmly in hand. But the more I wandered around the store, the more I thought something just wasn't right. Why was no one else getting the freebies? Was she too well hidden? Or were people just uncomfortable with the potential of having to engage with a stranger about ass wipe?
With this in mind, I wandered back and hung around in the near vicinity. Lots of people were passing her by without attempting to get a free sample -- in fact, it was like they were avoiding her. I hung out for about five minutes and saw no less than fifty people pass her. Only one other person took a roll.
"This is a poop report if ever there was one!" I thought to myself. I'm an outgoing guy, so I marched over to her and struck up a conversation. "Usually everyone grabs samples like it's the greatest thing in the world. But you don't seem to be having too many people interested. Why is this?"
She smiled slightly and pointed at the sample bag. "I think people just like to get it and go out -- they don't want to have to talk about it."
I laughed with her and said, "I think it's great. One of the best samples ever! What makes Cashmere Premium such a great purchase?"
She started to look a bit uncomfortable. "Soft and new and quilted," she said. And then: "Oh, yeah, the rolls are bigger, too."
I've been in sales before, and I know that you don't sell the steak, you sell the sizzle. And what she was selling wasn't even the steak -- she was selling the package the steak came in. My mind thought of all the things she could say: "With its super-fluffed embossed feel, it's like sitting on a cloud!" Or, even better: "The extra quantity on each roll means savings to you -- and isn't that why you shop at Costco to begin with?" So I mentioned my sales experience and suggested she should "jazz up her description," to which she said, "I only have an hour left in my shift. We drew straws to see who got stuck with this one. I lost."
I burst out laughing. "Well, you're doing a fantastic job as far as I'm concerned!"
"Have another roll on me!" she replied. So I grabbed the second sample and off I went, with a real bounce in my step.
As I walked around the store, I'd notice someone glance at me -- I was purposefully swinging one of the sample bags, letting it bounce on my leg and make a popping noise -- and when I saw someone, I'd hold up my bag and say, "Free tissue, and MAN is this soft! I hear they make it with the down of baby geese! And these rolls are gargantuan -- this will last me a month. It's sure to save me thousands of dollars a week!" And they'd either smile or turn away sharply. Most smiled and laughed.
I continued with my shopping for another thirty minutes or so (reading books, trying a treadmill, laying on a loveseat, and just generally being a nuisance); and as I did, I noticed there were a lot more people getting samples now, including several of the people to whom I had shown my own with pride. To one I even said, "Glad to see you've joined the club."
As I was exiting the store, I was held up while a nice woman checked my receipt against my cartload. "This is the greatest day in the annals of Costco!" I told her. "I got TWO samples of toilet paper. Not one like everyone else gets, but TWO! Either the lady knew I was full of it and would be needing the extra, or she was just trying to impress upon me the true benefits of Cashmere Premium, sample size, not available for resale!"
The woman laughed and said, "I really, sincerely hope you enjoy them."
"I will, and I will be thinking of you and your kind and hearty well-wishes each and every time I have use for this."
At this point I realized I was in very murky waters, so to speak, and I awaited a caustic reply or a look of fear and disgust. But she came right back at me and said, "And each time someone walks by with a sample, I'll think of you."
Normally I would have continued chatting, but the line behind me was increasing in size, and I really didn't know what else to say without being thought a freak. So I skedaddled.
I guess the whole point of this exercise is to show that even in an environment that provides us the accoutrements to our anal ablutions, there is still a reticence to admit this. I applaud Costco in providing samples of a new product, but I think they could have gone one step further and put the sample table in a more heavily-traveled area, as they do with food. Rome was not conquered in a day, nor will be our fear of admitting we shit. Except for us PoopReporters, that is.
