April Fool's.

Before anyone grouches that it's actually the day after April Fool's, I spent yesterday in the ER sicker than I've ever been in my life, so up yours.

I got this poll from Bilge a while back and I thought it would be a perfect April Fool's poll, because then the bunnyhuggers and people who like serious polls wouldn't grouch on me.

In the 16th Century book Gargantua and Pantagruel by Francois Rabelais, there's one scene in which Gargantua describes all the different materials with which he's tried wiping his butt. Joining his list halfway through, I quote:

"{...} Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf's skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney's bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer's lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains."

So there you have it: the answer is the neck of a downy goose.

But since we didn't have that option, I voted for dog, because that was a funny option.

Sorry, everybody, this is all my fault.

(I voted "cat" of course)

I voted dog, but only a specific kind of dog. LITTLE TERRIERS!!! My mother has a smooth fox terrier whom I've wanted to drop kick on several occasions. These dogs have to be the stupidest animals to walk the earth since super models, and at least the models don't smell like a walking sack of dead flesh.Yes, I would fill my closet with little terriers if for some reason the world were to suffer a great toilet paper shortage. Besides, the wire-hairs would scrub anything out of my crack.

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Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

In the spirit of AB2K's post, I won't take this poll seriously. I will, however, take the time to tell her that I hope she feels better soon. Sorry you're going through such a rough patch.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Has to be an Orang Utan - its long hairy arm would get the wiping done in one swift movement from shoulder to hand.

It could then go down to the fridge and bring me a cold beer after turning the TV on.

I'd have to go with a Ring Tailed Lemur, just so there was a hint of truth to the animals name.

Can I wipe with President Bush? Or will the rat have to do?

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It's YOUR cat, YOU get his poop out of my sink!

I favor chinchilla. They're soft, and you can raise them yourself. I know this because I got a SPAM about it.
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Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

I would wipe with a Pooh Bear.

wow, Dave pointed this out to me in an e-mail...we gots fans!!!

dethroner.com

Check to the far right in little tiny letters.

I would wipe with a Guinea Pig.

It would have been a bunny rabbit, but they are illegal here in Queensland, so they're kind of hard to get.

I'd say a squirrel; they're soft and their tails have the same effect as rabbits' except they're longer, not to mention the fact that squirrels are evil (darn tasty, too, just don't eat one you wiped with).

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...and they all lived crappily ever after!

I vote for an elephant. his trunk aimed at my ass would be like a japanese toilet.

i voted other
i dont really care as long as it isn't a echidna, porcipine, or an animal that bites (crocidile would not be pleasant). maybe a ferret as it is their natural instinct to try and wipe your ass and they would give a long wipe and they are soft.
king kong could last as asswipe for months prehaps even years.

I almost said three sea shells, but they're not really animals... just parts of a dead animal...

Then I thought I'd use a dolphin. The blowhole could act as a bidet spray. Only, if I'm already near that much water, I might as well wash up myself.

So... I think I'll have to go with a lamb, a white one. A black or brown one won't let me see the spots I've already wiped with.

Seals fur is great but remember to rub in the right direction otherwise you'll need a surgeon to clean up the mess!

I noted that baboon was not an option here. Think about it. Talk about your bare, red-ass!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

What do you mean, if I HAD to? Sounds more like, "if given the sweet, sweet opportunity!" What about a ferret? I hate those, but they're soft and long, and could probably be folded like TP. I picked bunny, though. =)
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Strippers Poop Too!

What? No mention of Richard Gere and gerbils? C'mon people, we are slipping here.

My ex-wife!!!! Ha!!!!

Stripper wrote:
Stripper Poop (12) -- 04.05.2007

What do you mean, if I HAD to? Sounds more like, "if given the sweet, sweet opportunity!" What about a ferret? I hate those, but they're soft and long, and could probably be folded like TP. I picked bunny, though. =)
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Strippers Poop Too!

Now here is someone I can become very good friends with!!! Great Comment!!

A marmot. They chirp when you wipe with 'em.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

A marmot! Hahahahah! How about a prairie dog? Meerkat?
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Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

You're all a bunch of sick freaks!!! How would YOU like to be used to wipe someone's brown cheerio? I hope aliens find you all and use YOU to wipe whatever they have for asses!!!!

The more I see people, the more I love animals.

Id have to say a wiry-haired dog, that's been recently brushed. Cats and rabbits are too fuzzy, and I'd think that I'd be walking around with fuzzies itching the hell out of me. And i KNOW rat hair itches, cuz I've had two. I suppose dog would be the lesser of several evils.

Awww, no one's going for the obvious on a certain breed of dog? A shih tzu? They're too stupid to care-- rat terriers have nasty needle teeth bites and large dogs would probably be offended (yet lick themselves clean anyways).

Cats? Too many claws and teeth. Rats? Too much possible disease. Bunnies? I have too much respect for Daphne....

And wow, those of you who listed primates of various kinds? You must have a death wish! Insult one of them or one of their family members like that and you get your block knocked off! AND your shit thrown back at you! (What would YOU do if someone did that to your loved ones? Some kind of whoop-ass, I'm sure).

Naw, I voted for "other"-- a sea sponge. Wet, softly textured, absorbent, and as far as we know, NOT sentient. (Hell, they might even digest your crap remnants and call it ice cream!)

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

I cheated, in a way. I picked dogs, because—as i discovered in a pinch once—they're usually happy to do the work for you, and do a far better job that TP ever could.
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Happy crapping! (_o_)

others --- ferrets long soft and who really like a ferret

__I picked other.....beaver._____
Producing waste since 1967

Yeah. I agree with ferret. They smell like shit any way. A sugar Glider would be another good one.
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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

DOGS!

they're washable...

None of you picked the obvious best choice,
the anteater. You would have the cleanest of all possible assholes after that long slender tongue finished its work. I would also assume that any reachable parasites would be removed and consumed.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

GGG, Prairie dog!!!!!! That hurt.

I love going to the local zoo, softening up the grizzies with a few well placed slaps, and them placing my skid mark on the humiliated beasts.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I'm guessing thats where you met "Trevor", Chief?
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I saw this on the recent comments board,and Iknew right away...it has to be Bilgepump
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!