I had to go to the gynecologist for my yearly today. While I was there, I was reminded of this story.

I was very young, and I was going to the gynecologist for maybe the second or third time. When the doc did the, *ahem*, "digital" palpitation, she must have felt somethin' up in back chute there, because she said, "Aaaaand, you may feel like blowing out about... now."

Sure enough, I pooped on the table. Quick as you please, the doc slid the trashcan over under the edge of the table, grabbed the edge of the paper liner, and ripped it like Saran Wrap. The poop dropped right into the can. It really was an impressive move! She said no more about it.

Today, as with every other visit to the gynecologist, I wanted no repeat of this incident. I waited to poop ALL day, but nothing happened. I dreaded the appointment. I mean, I dreaded the appointment ANYWAY -- but the possibility of pooping on the table again added another layer of unpleasantry that I didn't need.

Finally, though, as I arrived at the office and turned in my paperwork, I felt the familiar tug. HALLELUJAH. I was saved! I asked for the restroom and made my deposit. I was pleased to note that when the nurse would go to weigh me, I would be at least a half-pound lighter!

The only trouble: this was a million wiper, and a stinky one. I started to get nervous that they'd be calling me and that the receptionist would have to say, "She's still in the bathroom!" Not to mention the fact that when I sprayed the air freshener, I felt like it was very loud -- and the bathroom was RIGHT by the receptionist's desk.

Not getting good results with the toilet paper, I tried wetting a paper towel and using that. Unfortunately, the towels were those slippery, not-actually-absorbent kind, which meant I just smeared everything around. I was starting to get a little panicky. I had to go lie down in a few minutes and let a stranger peer between my legs. I was NOT going to have poop on me!

Then: SALVATION! This was also an obstetrical office. Pregnant women give urine samples every time they're in. Urine samples require a "clean catch" -- and a clean catch requires a moistened towelette!

There weren't any moistened towelettes immediately evident on the back of the toilet like I've seen before. But after a little ferreting around, I hit paydirt. (Or payclean, as it were.)

I only hope they weren't too upset that I used about eight of those things.

When I had my exam, the doc said, "I see a bit of irritation. Are you wiping too hard?"

"Today? You betcha!"