It never fails. Once a month I get home from work, race to the mailbox and grab a precious periodical know as National Geographic (the ultimate bathroom book). I settle in for a movement and no sooner as I am through the first article than my wife is banging on the door, telling me I am going to get hemorrhoids. How long can the average person sit and read without harming themselves?

Dear Shat On,

Thanks for the question.

I know a lot about hemorrhoids, as I have had the distinctly unfortunate experience [1] of having them cut out.

DO NOT SIT AND READ ON THE CAN. Limit your visit to ten minutes, TOPS.

Don't strain, eat plenty of fiber, and drink lots of water.

And really, tell your wife to mind her own business. It's your problem, not hers.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse [2]

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility. Got a question [3] for her?