Following the billboard's exhortation to visit Cleanishappy.com [6], we discover the reason these vertical smiles have been marked up with more traditional horizontal ones: because these butts are no longer being chafed by toilet paper, thanks to the $700 Toto Washlet [7].
The Toto Washlet is a high-tech toilet seat attachment that gives your trusty Ferguson bathroom superpowers: a heated seat, a warm air dryer, a bidet-style water sprayer, an air purifier, and a remote control to rule it all. The video on the site explains what we PoopReporters have known for years: toilet paper doesn't really clean you so much as smear poop into your skin until you can't see it any more. To quote them: "When it comes to hygiene, paper just... distributes the problem. With the Washlet, water just washes it away."
To quote myself on page 84 of my book: "With every pass {of toilet paper}, the user is smearing poop flecks into the folds and crevices of the area around the anus. While it's only a thin layer that remains, it is still liable to itch or streak." I'd consider suing Toto for plagiarism, except this conclusion is firmly rooted in common sense.
I interpret Ehlers' News & Observer article to confirm that we PoopReporters represent the cutting edge of American culture, leading humanity with our plunger held high towards a more holistic view of poop. After all, we've been pro-bidet since 2001 [8]; and while each of us appreciates a good swipe of two-ply with aloe, we know that nothing compares to a soothing blast from the buttsink. We held this view back when Toto's execs were still shaking their head at the prospect of pitting their Japanese toilet phenomenon against America's stubborn bathroom luddism; six years later, our visionary status is confirmed as Toto prepares to plaster a multicultural rainbow of smiling butts across the consciousness of the country.
I view this development bittersweetly. On the one hand, I'm glad that our most hallowed views here on PoopReport are being disseminated for national consumption and that our fellow countrymen will soon experience the bliss of the gravy drain; but I can't help but feel a tinge of jealousy that our contribution to humanity isn't being acknowledged with well, at the least, free Toto Washlets for the moderators. Is that too much to ask?
[5]
