when i sobered up, my poop got boring

Dookie Dog asks:

I used to sit on the can for hours and shit to my hearts content, reading the L.A. Times and then the local Santa Barbara paper, which I would also use to wipe my ass because that's all it's good for. Anyway, I was drinking about a case or two of Coors Light per day. I'm a big guy -- I used to down a lot of alcohol and the day after I'd crap out these humungous turds, you couldn't flush them. I had to bury them in the yard. Fuck, my tomatoes were the pride of the neighborhood.

Well, one day I sobered up, quit drinking. This was a sad day for my toilet, a very sad day, 'cause I could not shit. I mean WHATDAFUCK..... I am a little older now -- forty-five -- my shit is forced. No longer do I sit for hours -- it's just one blast then it goes limp. I have been to the doctor they tell me I'm normal, BUT I'm not normal and I can't shit like I used to. Please help me poonurse, I don't know where else to turn.

Dear Dookie Dog,

So, what's the problem? Before you were sitting on the can for hours (bad, very bad idea -- can lead to hemorrhoids). You WERE pooping tremendous logs that you had to bury in the back yard (which I doubt -- why didn't you just chop them up with coathangers like normal people do?) and feeding enormous shit-fertilized tomatoes to your neighbors.

Now you are "just going one big blast then it goes limp." If we are still talking about your crap, I don't see the problem. Do your reading somewhere else besides the can. Miracle Gro will do wonders for your tomatoes, too.

Thanks for asking Poonurse!

_________________

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse [1]

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility. Got a question [2] for her?