Not long ago I had a newspaper route to make a little extra money. It was kind of a pain in the ass to be up so early every morning, often still drunk from the night before. One of the worst parts, however, is being out in the middle of nowhere at 4am and really needing a toilet.

It was the wee hours of the morning, and I was throwing papers at a big apartment complex. My stomach had been rumbling for over an hour, and I was trying to finish the last few buildings and make it to the gas station down the road (or maybe even home). But it was not to be....

I pulled up to the next to the last building, and was barely able to put the car in neutral before seizing up in pain. Sweat poured from my forehead. It took everything I had to keep from having a blowout right there in the front seat. One minute passed, and I figured I had about one or two more minutes before the searing pain returned. I had to think fast...

I reached into the map pocket of the car door for my stash of fast food napkins. (This situation was by no means rare, so I kept them there as a contingency.) I raced toward the apartment building. This was a three story building; the ground floor had four apartments, a few garages, and several storage rooms. I noticed that the door to one of these storage rooms was ajar, and I opened it to find it virtually empty. It was about six by six feet with a concrete slab floor, directly across from the front door of one of the units.

I bolted into the room, shutting the door behind me. It was well lit by an overhead bulb. I started striping off my shorts and underwear, but there wasn't even time to get them over my shoes. I leaned back against the wall, squatted as best I could; it sounded like someone was starting a chainsaw in that little storage room. I blasted a thick, brown spray all over the floor and the back wall. I prayed that the owner of this room wouldn't open the door to find a grown man taking a massive crap right next to his boxes of photo albums and Christmas lights. I was lucky. I finished up and crept out silently to finish the route with clean pants.