Recently, the toilet has begun to strike back.
To the untrained eye, it seems like nothing more than a string of unrelated incidents, separated by time and geography, each the result of a unique set of circumstances and coincidences. A butterfly flapping its wings, and all that. But we PoopReporters know better, for we PoopReporters know how toilets think. We recognize these incidents for what they are: the beginnings of the toilet uprising.
In Port St. Lucie, Florida, a porta-potty burned to the ground [1]. The fire occurred at 2:20 AM, which spared whatever hapless construction worker might have been inside it had the flames sprouted a mere five hours later. So we might mark this up to teenage vandals, were it not for this: the very same day, exactly 2,621 miles away in Huntington Beach, California, a "giant toilet" fell off a truck and shattered in the street [2], forcing passers-by to stop and pick up the pieces. This toilet, too, failed to injure anyone; but the message is clear. A war is coming.
More evidence: in Lancashire, England, a portable toilet had some success in its efforts to cause pain and suffering: it fell of a truck and smashed in the side of a car [3]. (There's a picture on the site.) No one was hurt, but could the message be any clearer??? "You've drop loads on us for far too long," says Johnny-on-the-Spot with an evil cackle. "Now it's our turn to drop loads on you!"
In Pretoria, South Africa, a toilet burned a man's buttocks, genitals, and thighs [4]. In Laindon, England, a toilet attempted to swallow a three-year-old [5]. In Glasgow, a toilet helped a criminal escape [6]. In Tokyo, a toilet tried to kidnap an 18-year-old girl [7]. In Colorado Springs, a toilet surreptitiously cost a man $1200 [8]. The war has already claimed two lives: in Pudong, China [9], and on a P&O cruise ship [10].
And, of course, a toilet in Minnesota has destroyed a Republican senator's career [11].
My desperate attempts to contact Homeland Security have gone unheeded. Which means the government won't do anything to protect us -- not until it's too late. I suggest you stock up on plastic bags -- in a few weeks, as the uprising spreads, you won't dare expose your butt to a toilet.