Grunt, groan, scream in pain.

Yell things like "When the hell did I eat corn?" and "Oh My God! Twins!"

Make it evident that they are holding the phone and wiping with the same hands.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Firstly I believe in good manners and that means the washroom, unless in your own private domicile, is not a place you should be conducting business on the phone.

What I would do is firstly clear my throat indicating the washroom was not empty, if the person continued to talk I would begin singing in my best basso profundo voice:

I come home in the morning light,
My mother says "When you gonna live your life right?"
Oh,mother,dear,
We're not the fortunate ones,
And girls,
They wanna have fu-un.
Oh,girls,
Just wanna have fun.

The phone rings in the middle of the night,
My father yells "When are you gonna finish that shite?"
Oh,daddy,dear,
You know you're still number two,
But girls,
They wanna do-doo,
Oh,girls,just wanna do-doo

Now should I not have heard the rasping of leather soles on linoleum and a quick splash of water I'd be left with pulling out the heavy artillery and break into my own bastardized version of "You're having my baby".

In my loudest Lary Craig voice, I would be reaching underneath the stall, screaming for whomever to have lovely rough mansex with me, because I'm a senator from Idaho, dammit!!

I have, indeed, made artificial noises for one girl who kept rattling on and on about her boyfriend's huge dick. She left in a pretty big hurry when the fart symphony began, especially when I blew "God Bless America" on my arm.

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I'd probably do nothing, honestly, more than sit there and wonder how weird it is to call someone while on the shitter. I mean, it's not like it's going to affect my day, unless I'm worried about her or her friend hearing me poop, which wouldn't be my problem.

If I did have the guts to do anything, I would flush the toilet repeatedly, hoping it was one of those really loud, Wal-Mart, vortex5 specials, so she would have to talk louder.

Now, in a perfect world, I'd have not a shread of couth left. This being the new case, I'd pretend to make a call, too, and order pizza. Loudly. With direct orders to deliver it to my stall. And I'd make a point of banging on the partition between us and asking her what type of toppings she wanted, hoping she'd have some comment for me. And in this perfect world, I'd have the guts to say, "Well, if you're going to be putting something up to your ear that might end up getting bathroom bacteria on it, which would in turn get that bacteria all over the side of your face, I figured you wouldn't be the type of person who's picky about where you eat." But it would never happen.

Probably.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I've never had this happen to me, but I'd probably just ignore them. If I told him to shut up, I'd be afraid the guy in the next stall would be some nut job with a gun. Nothing would ruin your day like a hail of bullets coming through the stall partition.

I would stand up, knock on the common wall between the stalls and ask the cell phone user if his phone has a camera feature. A log like mine should be saved digitally for all to see.

A buddy of mine was in this kind of situation.
He had just sat down when some gabbing yuppie strolled in to the 2 seater.
My buddy had a Hershey's Kiss in his coat pocket, so he melted it and smeared it all over his fingers. Then reached under the wall and said 'Hey Buddy, you got any paper in there?'
The guy in the next stall dropped his phone in shock and kicked it to the other side of the room. Then he nearly killed himself trying to get out of the stall and away from that hand.
Finally, my friend could lick the chocolate off his fingers and START his movement in peace.

If you can't out stink 'em, out think 'em
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

That right there, Robo, is a beautiful thing.

You would have shoved a cat under the divider.
"Could you hold 'Poopsie' for me?"

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You would have shoved a cat under the divider.
"Could you hold 'Poopsie' for me?"
(Big crapper... there's an echo...)

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Assuming that I haven't already emptied my load, fart as loudly as possible. I think that's the natural reaction.

However, depending on the mood...

(1) Start rocking rhythmically back and forth. After about 15 seconds or so, start humming the Marine Corps anthem.

(2) Pretend that he's having the conversation with me.

(3) Dial my answering machine at home and say stuff like "Okay, Massoud, I put the box cutters in the airplane's bathroom just like you instructed. When do I get my $10,000?"

(4) If there's only one big poo left in me, start the countdown at "T-30 seconds." At "T-10" add something witty like "Commencing primary ignition." At the appropriate time, bear down in order to make the biggest splash possible. Jump up just a little bit as the turd rocket hits the water, then loudly state "Houston, we have Lift Off!"

(5) If there's going to be hurd of turdlets or maybe some Hershey squirts, hum the "1812 Overture" and let fly at the appropriate moments.

(6) Squeal loudly, "Oh, contraction!" Pant loudly and quickly three times then make a loud bearing down noise. Periodically state "Must remember what they taught me in Lamaze class."

(7) Beg out "Oh, gawd, not the Ha-a-ben-n- eros-s-s-s-s."

(8) Take shirt off and hang over common divider wall. Follow this with T-shirt. Take shoes off. Take socks off and hang over common divider. If dorkboy still hasn't vacated, loudly snap belt out of belt loops.

(9) Make loud rustling noises with backpack, followed by much lip-smacking and yummy noises. Belch, if possible. Ask the other guy "Hey, buddy, you want some? The missus makes a mean beef burrito."

(10) Quickly finish business, clean up and dress, wash and dry hands, then turn on all of the water faucets full blast and walk out. If you're really into terrorism, throw a paper towel into each sink first.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I have never had a thread where I've wanted to plus one almost everything posted! Another first for Poop Report!

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I would start with that Tarzan yell as loud as I could not caring if others were in the bathroom with me. Then I would announce that I feel five pounds lighter. I would pull out ALL the poop cliches for this one. Things like OMG THE GAS AHHHHH WHAT A FART. THAT ONES GONNA SPLATTER THE BOWL!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Good call Robo. I say we christen Bilgey's wipe-cat "Poopsie".

I have an SOP for when people are on a phone when I'm in the bathroom. I ask them where they got their phone and comment on how good the reception is.

"Wow. I wish MY phone got reception in bathrooms. I think it's the steel doors and tile that messes with it." Or something similar.

I then put extra TP in the toilet and flush. 9 times out of ten the toilet can handle it and ends the flush with a loud gurgle.

_______
Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

I fling poop at them, like a crazed chimp!
_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

I've had this happen to me mucho times in my travels. I've walked into bathrooms where someone was already talking in a stall. With the acoustics in there it was like a PA announcer giving a play-by-play of a game.

It was almost, but not quite, like: "One grunt, two grunts, three grunts, it's out!"
Yes, I've walked into bathrooms where guys were not just chatting with their wives about the family. They were describing their situation on the pot to someone, as if auditioning for 'America's Stankiest Videos."

I'm always appalled at cell phone abuse, wherever it occurs. But it can be especially unnerving in the bathroom.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Thank you, Your Majesty.
Now what does 'Poopsie' look like before wiping?
Male or Female? Fixed or not?
Declawed? (Ouch! Probably...)
Breed?
This could be another discussion! Dave?

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Blow loud fart noises with your mouth and on your arm. Start saying "Damn taco bell! It always runs through me!" Helpfull if you have a bottle of water with you...hold it up over the bowl and let it splash in with more fart noises, followed with more swearing about taco bell (or any food).

I would wipe my ass and throw the paper over the cubicle wall.
Tht should shut them up

I generally grunt and heave and make cartoonish panting noises. Then I throw a cantaloupe into the toilet.

What about making loud sex noises while someone is talking it the shitter? Go like "OH OH! YESSS! THATS GREAT! KEEP GOING! YES...OH" and grunt and stuff. Maybe bang on the wall during the fake orgasm.

louder the better the poop should be able to poop in peace need to concentrate

I was at our county courthouse for jury duty. We had our afternoon break and most of the other women on the jury went outside for a smoke, but I stayed inside and went in to pee. At first, I was the only person in the restroom. I peed and was just getting ready to wipe when this girl, probably about high school age, came in carrying on a cell phone conversation while she opened the stall door and sat down in the next stall. I don't think she missed any cadance in her conversation as she pulled down her clothing and placed herself on the stool. She immediately went into a rant about how she hated the judge who had been snotty to her, how the car accident hadn't been her fault, she cursed when her butt first landed on the seat because it was cold, there were a couple of moderately large farts before her shit started to come. She told the person she was talking to "I think I'm gonna be here a while--I don't remember taking a shit in the past five days." She said she had been eating too much pizza and although she was able to feel it, she didn't know how long it would take her to get it out. "It will probably be so ######' large that I'll blow out my anus!" She and her friend were talking about some of the biggest shits they had experienced. "Do you get horny when you're in a public place taking a huge shit?", she asked. Then they were talking about the size of their boyfriends' organs. She became impatient when she was not able to get the largest part of her shit to come out. She cursed about the time it was taking and how she only had about five minutes to get downstairs and pay her traffic ticket so that her parents wouldn't be notified of the accident. Next there was about a 30-second pause and she repositioned herself and she skirmed and pushed to get it out. "I just took the largest ######' shit of my entire ######' life." She then put the phone on top of the toilet paper roll holder, pulled for her toilet paper and the phone fell off slidding under the partition into my stall. I wiped fast, flushed and kicked it well outside the stall and under the sinks. I didn't say a word to her. I didn't even stop to wash my hands. I knew I had a couple of minutes on her and that I had better get out of there.

i would put toilet paper down the toliet first so my shit wouldn't make a noise when it shoots out my bum.

Now, THAT is something that the Big Wiper would appreciate, Good Citizen. I hope he reads what you posted.

This gives me an idea for a new poll.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Good Citizen, maybe instead of kicking her phone, you should have just stomped on it instead. Something to keep in mind if it ever happens again.

Or even better, grab the phone, toss it in the toilet, and flush it down. But then you'd better really haul ass out of there.

Or even better yet, wait till she stands up, grab the phone, reach under the stall partition, and flip it right into her poop filled toilet.

Then really motor on out of there.

As difficult as it sometimes is, I simply try to tune the blabbermouth in the next stall out. All the while, I pray that the person drops their phone in the toilet, mid conversation.

It is a thing called selective hearing.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

I am amazed by all the doors that have opened for me just because I changed my slothful and stenchful ways. Who knew that a little soap and water plus some improved dental hygiene practices would change my life so eventfully?

My co-workers and the underlings that used to make fun of me (but whom I now manage), are urging me to run for President in the next election because I have such a wholesome appearance now. I haven't decided yet, of course, but last night I did make up some posters with pictures of Hillary and Obama crying underneath my campaign slogan of "Your Just Jealous!"

I work for a financial house downtown and on my commute back to my suburban apartment, I frequently stop at one of our area's largest malls to shop. Kudos to Good Citizen, but the problem is greater than many realize. For example, one evening recently I spent three hours at the mall, went to the bathroom twice, and each time was appalled by the really hostile and graphic conversations I was hearing from high school-age girls using their phones in the stalls. My husband says many stores will not allow employees to answer calls or make calls on company time. Therefore I guess that's why the employees make their calls while they're on break in the bathroom.

Since I was in my stall for about ten minutes because I was moving my bowels, two employees of Penneys came in and used the stalls on either side of me. One had a really explicit conversation with her boyfriend and swore at him because he hadn't returned her call from a couple of hours earlier. Then before I could hear her pee start, she called one of her parents and was very rude to them about something that happened at school and how she knew she had to get her math homework done. The girl on the other side took an immediate and noisy dump, then cursed when she called home and apparently a kid brother or sister answered and then hung up on her.

Three ladies--one with a small child--were waiting when I exited my stall. I remarked to one that I hoped the cell phone conversations were not holding them up, but she said she was use to it, especially in places such as malls and discount stores that employ lots of young people. She said the language and rudeness overheard was of greater concern.

If local ordinances have been successful in getting smoking out of public restrooms, could cell phones be next? Sure, I would want clean facilities first, but a close second would be more peace and quiet.

well I grunt hard and bang on the walls and say stuff like o crap thats a bad one. and trow tp over the stall to grose the other guy out.

I would simply raise my bottom off the seat to give my turds maximum falling distance and projection, preferably when the person at the other end could hear it. If I had a fart to contribute, I'd do that, too.

Grunting & banging on the walls is good, screaming out 'OH LORD PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!' or 'SOMEBODY HELP ME PEASE!' or even.. 'ARRGH!, I'M GONNA SHOW THIS TURD WHOS BOSS!'..... might be a giggle!_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

How about a Tarzan Yell before splash-down?
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I would poop a poop ball in a big wad a tp and then wrap my shoes in tp and kick the poo ball into the stall and say "hey, the ball is in your court" or throw it over and say "want to play volleyball" or "poo mitten" or "pooquet". Then I would run out of the bathroom before I could be caught.

How about a brown hand under the partition. TAG YOU'RE IT.

I just throw the cat over the partition wall when I'm done wiping.

Bilgepump, Why torture Poopsie any more than you have to??
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....