Whether or not the child actually went down the slide is unclear from the article. One can only wonder what mechanism facilitated his unspeakable, ochre-stained appearance -- was it through using the slide properly? Or something worse, such as succumbing to a severely disastrous spur-of-the-moment desire to finger paint?

PC Bibbins remarked that there were numerous reports of teenagers (or "yobs" -- a term which, incidentally, sounds like a good name for a pile of poo itself) smoking grass, setting off fireworks, and drinking in the vicinity. He hopes for anyone with knowledge of their identities to come forward with information.

"We will be increasing patrols in the area and anyone found to be causing problems in the area will be dealt with accordingly," he insists. Maybe they should start by force-feeding the guilty parties copious amounts of Imodium D.