One summer day just a few years ago, I was working my shift as a senior deckhand on a boat for a company in Pittsburgh. The company operates a ferry service for baseball games at the local ball field. On this particular day, my boat and another of comparable size were assigned to ferry service. After bringing over fans just before the game, we tied up at the landing to listen to the game on the radio. The rest of my crew -- which included the captain, the deckhand, and a bartender -- wanted to go to the other boat to listen to the game and have lunch. I opted to stay behind and monitor the boat.

Just after they walked off, I got this feeling in my gut. I definitely had to poop. So I went to the restroom on my boat (the "head") and proceeded to cast off a log or two.

It was then that cell phone in my pocket chirped. It was the bartender from the other boat, a woman to whom I'll refer as Hallie. Hallie is a very beautiful young woman with blonde hair. She's not always too bright (ok, she's a stereotypical dumb blonde). Her boyfriend is a captain with our company, although he wasn't working on this particular day.

Hallie asked if I could come over to the other boat to join the others. I said that I couldn't, because I was "occupied." I didn't want to be rude, so when she asked me what I was doing, I said that I was "doing my business in the bathroom." That seemed to satisfy her curiosity. Or so I thought.

The next day my boat was assigned to ferry service again, and Hallie was on my boat as the bartender. After the usual hi-how-are-you's, I asked, "Hallie, why did you call me up yesterday when I was taking a dump?"

Her eyes and mouth opened wide. "You were taking a dump?"

To which I replied, "Yeah."

"I thought you said that you were doing your business in the bathroom."

"THAT IS 'DOING YOUR BUSINESS IN THE BATHROOM!'"

"I thought," Hallie said, "that you were cleaning the bathroom."

I looked at her. "'Doing business' and cleaning are two different things." I couldn't believe that this girl didn't know that "doing your business" was the same as "taking a dump." I had to tell her boyfriend.

A day later, I ran into Captain Stefan, Hallie's boyfriend. I related what had happened with his little Hallie. He laughed and told me that this wasn't surprising. One day, he said, he told Hallie that he had to "drop some friends off at the lake" -- which prompted Hallie to ask, "Oh yeah? Who are you taking?"

It just goes to show that poop illiteracy is still a big problem in this country.