In the girls' restroom of a local restaurant is one of those really fancy and expensive toilet seat bidets. Some Japanese brand. I've snuck in a few times just to see what all the hoopla is about. This machine does everything, as evidenced by the fact that it has a remote control with about fifteen buttons on it. You can sploosh your rump with warm water and get the water wand to move back and forth; it even has a butt "hair dryer" to finish up with. It's a really fun toy to play with, but it takes a while to figure out all those buttons. And it costs a bundle.

Enter the USABidet [1]. I guess I'd characterize the USABidet as a simple but direct device. No remote. No warm water. No dryer. Doesn't play a song for you. It's a much simpler and more elegant device, and obviously made from very high quality materials (spelled S-T-A-I-N-L-E-S-S S-T-E-E-L). Once installed (and installation is a snap), it's merely a matter of grabbing the directional lever on the left to swing it into place, and then actuating the valve on your right. Whoa! What a spray. More like a jet. You can instantly dial it from gentle to "miner 49'er'." You have to scooch your butt around a bit to cover all the bases -- but compared to the fancy bidets, that's not a problem, it's a feature!

As I considered this purchase, of course, I was a bit concerned about the lack of warm water. I knew I could add warm water if I wanted with a bit of backyard mechanicism and a shower valve -- but after a month, I really see no need. It's just fine the way it is.

I appreciate both the design and the simplicity of the USABidet. When you send a note to the company, you get an answer toot-sweet directly from The Man, Thom. What could be more swell than that?

Only in America (no, wait, and maybe a few other shitholes) do citizens walk around during the day, talking with people, daydreaming, hailing taxis, all the while pretending that everything is alright. We're cool. Calm. Professional. We just pretend that there is no crap-crisis 'tween our legs. That we don't really have a sheen of shite clinging to our butthairs, not to mention (as was in my case -- gasp!) the occasional swinging dingleberry!

And what if there is a REAL crisis? Like you are spraying liquid Spam out your ass like a fountain? A bidet takes care of all that. Quickly. Easily. Springtime fresh... ahhhh.

Would you wash your dishes with just a dry sponge and no water? Same goes for your tush. Get a bidet and stop pretending.