My sounds are not at all consistent. Sometimes there is the traditional fart (which I prefer) However, other times there can be a hiss, or a blast, or just a light splash as the last section of the turd hits the water. Once in a while I fart both before and after I poop. I really enjoy that also.
Picture, if you will, a red-lining f16 engine that has just ingested a supermarket carriage.
Mine usually scream "FREEDOM!"
After drinking a frappuccino, mine sound like: "frap-frap-frap!" _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
All of the above, but another choice should be- freight train.
I always refer to mine as, "The sound of a flock of 1000 pigeons, all taking off at once". Princes Square in Brussels provides the perfect acoustic.
_______like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.
I cant stop laughing at " a moist sliding sound." flllaaflalflflflaaaapfleeeeh. That's the best way I can describe what I do. Or just the loevley peeing out the butt the next day after tee many martoonies. And this bunny at the end of the page getting corn holed is cracking me up. Between this and the moist sliding sound, I'm gonna pee myself.
At breech, my poop starts its rendition of "Hello Dolly".
Depends- usually small farts or a soft hiss. The explosive blast only happens when I'm in a public shitter.
Postman, with all due respect, I wouldn't start a sentence here with the word "Depends".
Bilge, I have a fix for your stage poop.
Don't wear breeches!!
Kiddy pants, I find, just hold everything right up there. I think maybe you should check them out, J.C. Penny is doing a special on the outsized type, all through the spring.
Mention my name, and get a further discount. (Just don't tell anyone)
I have elected the moist sliding sound, however all of the above really apply to me. It really depends on a large amount of factors, anywhere from constipated to diarrhea, well to sick, and what I had eaten prior to any given poop. The "bottom" line is that it is all good once it comes out.
_______In search of the ever evasive BM
Normally just the sound of plops in the water below - but occasionally a SQUEAK, as it is 'actually emerging' - which makes me laugh. It isn't connected with any constipation or impaction. Anyone else experienced this? Can anyone suggest a reason? Perhaps I need some WD 40!
I have made all the sounds listed, but more often than not I can hear nothing but the plops. I think my favorite is the soft fffff, which usually happens if I am doing a very long continuous turd (rare nowadays). My least favorite--and, fortunately, rarest--is the explosive blast, though that did happen a couple of times during last week's illness.
Mine sob softly because they know they'll never be as happy as they were with me. _______.....hugging bunnies since 1969 www.daphneszoo.com
I have experienced all of the above, depending on my food/beverage intake. I have, however, had shits that sound like Satan himself shouting curses at my colon._______Assaulting toilets since 1977!
As others have mentioned above, it really depends on the type of shit being expelled:
If I have eaten shrimp, MSG, or anything with a retched amount of cholesterol, it whizzes into the bowl with that sputtering hissing sound you hear on the Hawaiian lava fountain videos.
If I have eaten at TGI Fridays, the sound is more of a rumble like a glacier landing in an Alaskan bay.
For long drives with little water and too much meat, a space capsule landing on the ocean suffices.
For too much pasta sauce, it's sort of a disappointing crackle, followed by a light tapping sound on the water. Then, of course, it is followed by a string of curse words and half a roll of toilet paper.
Last night's meal sounded like an old re-run of Wild Kingdom goes to the Jungle. Not exactly sure HOW many animal noises it made. _______Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.
I've now re-named it the "crappuccino"! What's in this stuff?
Hey all, explosive blast is what happens each and every time I poop. I bike and I'm athletic, into health food and fitness, and I guess everything gets rolling after a while. Pretty much after each and every bike ride, I have to find a place very quickly near the path. And then the fireworks begin. Cheers thepoopguy34
So thepoopguy, are you telling us you shit in the woods cave man style on a weekly basis? do you keep tp on your bike or do you just grab a fistfull of leaves? I'm just cuuuroius.........
I think I've made ALL of those sounds - plus others - at one time or another.
_______And it burns, burns, burns - The ring of fire.
"Cave man style" I love it! Oh, you forgot to list the painful ripping sound as an option!!_______Would you like me to throw you a rope?
Usually, my pooping noises come out of my mouth. I tend to click, grunt, say "meh meh meh" or something like that, with the intent of not being swept up into a hemorrhoid-causing anal overreaction. I need to keep anal pressures low, so when I poop I focus on letting it slide out on its own rather than actively pushing (especially when pushing is not needed).
Hey all, to answer your question. No I do not poop in the woods or I try not too anyway, and not on a weekly basis. I usually find a washroom near the path. And yes for long rides into northern Ontario and trips abroad, I do keep a roll of TP in my knapsack for just those emergencies. cheers thepoopguy34
its usually diffrent at times but it always follows a "aaahhh yeeeaaaah" after the initial plop.
I hear nothing until it hits the water then i hear it trying to swim ashore, i try not to steer too long at the poopy log cos it will scream out for help and tell me its drowning. Does anyone elses poop talk to them?
There is always some degree of variance here, no two turds sound alike! Much of it has to do with consistency and other intestinal products like farts. I always like solid well-formed turds followed by a fart that sounds like a question (rising tone) but some of the most humorous are diarrhea and gas mixed together. Those require extensive paperwork to seal the deal! Blrrrgl, splat, rumble, glorp! ----Captain Craptastic!!!
I had a nice long slow ffffff sounding movement at school (work) a couple of days ago. Usually mine are in the plop-only category, but that one definitely made the soft hissing sound coming out. I don't know what makes it do that occasionally.
MSG, maybe the long, slow ffffffffff... noise is the result of some fart-gas escaping past the turd, possibly via a fold in the donut muscle. If the poo itself is solid enough to have taken the shape of the bowel, and is too hard to conform to the contours of the balloon-knot, then maybe there could be just enough of a mis-match to allow some propellant blow-by. Maybe...
Uh... Thanks for the poop physics lesson, BM. Perhaps we should get you here to explain the science behind the other bum sounds listed above, though I am terrified to learn why my ass screamed the other night. _______Born right the first time.
Ahh, so that's what that blood curdling sound was that I heard last night.
Does anyone remember those cheesy English horror movies from the '70s? Usually made by the Hammer House of Horror. I can just hear the preview trailer voice-over...(sounding like Vincent Price) "How much terror can you stand? Can your heart take it? Next week on Thriller Theatre, The Curse of the Screaming Asshole!!!"
What are turds pointed? So your asshole doesn't slam shut and wake the neighbors! _______You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....
Hi I'm jasmine my turds feel soft and sticky as they come out and as I am about to push the last bit out I get quick strong fart and the las turd slides out
Jasmine, you're my dream girl. Will you marry me?
but i don't know who you are where you live and weve never met parrie doggin?
Careful, PD. Something tells me that Jasmine is really a Joshua.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Mine says, "Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty I'm free at last."
Postman, do they ever come out in the dead of night?
Sometimes.
By the way, PD, I notice you're closing in on 2000 points. Are you eventually going to replace Dave as the Grand Poobah of Poop Report?
You got me Postman. I was planning a 9000 point "surge" in September (the 9th month). Will be taking to the mattresses tonight. Im well stocked here at PD Central. Plenty of alcohol, trail mix, canned beans and tp. Now if I can only think of something to say.
At PD central, I'd add a couple of hookers and maybe some raisin bran. Then you'll be all set for your coup.
PD, with all that ammunition, you should be ready for an up-to-the-minute report on the exact sounds your next poop makes upon its exit. Mine's been mostly silent until the plops lately.
I always thought my poop came out silently but I was wrong. Using the stethoscope that came with my blood pressure monitoring kit I was able to hear my exiting turds doing an almost inaudible rendition of an Avis commercial, "when your number two, you try harder."
_______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
Chief, mine come out pretty much like a clumsy OJ hurdling through the airport.
While going through the airport, was it looking for the real killers?
Yup, and unfortunately he didn't pass any full length mirrors.
But remember, if it don't fit, you must acquit.
No, Postman... If it don't fit, you must break it up with the "special coat-hanger" and plunge carefully. _______You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....
Can we do that to OJ?
Especially to OJ. _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
No, we can't do that to OJ. The coat hanger has a better lawyer. ;)_______You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....
Lawyer, Liar. You say tomato I say Tomarto.
_______Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!
I have been slightly constipated for a few weeks and the poops have been coming out rather silently. Last night I ate a greasy fried tout, miso soup with tofu, brown rice and a huge dish of hot kimchi. I am not sure of the spelling of some of these sounds, but to the best of my writing ability my morning poop came out sounding like this;
SPLORT...SPLORT...FRUUUMP...SPLUT SPLUT....SPLUMP....PLBBBT...PUT... PUT.
After all this there was a sigh of relief from me.
PLEHHH, SPLATTT, HOCKKKK PLOOIE
Chief, thats the sound of me vomiting on the tile floor. Thanks pal.
Don't mention it buddy,by the way, that was trout I ate and not a tout.
It didn't require correction Chief. I knew no one in their right mind would eat a greasy tout.
This morning at work mine went ffffffff followed by the plop. My turd was so damn big this morning it felt good on its way out.
Where was it going? when I go out its usually to the local liquor store.
Hey, Chief, phonics strikes again! I can imagine the symphony of splats, the cacophony of craps--great job!
I always hear the Hallelujah Chorus.
I meant to compliment Hayley also--bravo for pooping at work and enjoying the satisfaction of a good big one. I enjoy the ffffff sound on the rare occasions I hear it (of course, in summer, with air conditioners running, that sound would not be easy to hear anyway).
I got a nice moist sliding sound this morning--definitely not a crackle (which I have heard, but very rarely achieve), but a moist slither. It felt good, sounded good, and, when I got up to see, it looked good.
This morning mine made no sound at all until the plop sound. You have to like a turd that keeps its mouth shut and leaves quietly.
Well when I really lean into it it becomes a series of dirty farts followed by the actual dump. Its better that it happen at home because I have to usually clean the toilet from all the bowl splatter. There is NOTHING worse than a dirty fart._______AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)
MSG, you brought back memories for me. The crackle crap has eluded me for years now (tears beginning to well up). Sorta like shitting Rice krispies. I miss them. I gotta (sniffle) go.
depends what I ate and if I'm sick mostly its the ffffffff sometimes its quiet. most recently its becoming the longest loudest fart ever and then rabbit turbs. or the sound of a loud duck escaping my ass followed by the sound of my giant brown baby doing a belly flop in the bowl. I also have experience with the words escaping my mouth when I'm sick, fists clenched, cold sweats and ohhhhhh goooooddddd. i'm dyingggggggggg. strain strain, cue vein popping out of my neck.
I get a very quiet crackling sometimes, I'm assuming that's what the ffff choice was. Majority of the time tho, it's the moist sliding sound with the sticky crackle in it. Like a small piece of paper being crunched while it's sliding out. You guys get what I'm saying?
Sorta like a cheap pork chop hitting a hot frying pan?
_______I like poop coming out as much as food coming in
usualy my poo is gassy but sometimes it is very very loud!
"Harlow" (say it softly) is the sound poop makes slipping out of your butt. Then you hear a splash. Case closed.
But gentler, like when you tickle a droplet of water onto a hot pan to see if the temperature is just right and it gently fizzles into your soul.
Today my morning poop sounded like a rogue elephant doing a belly flop in lake Victoria.
Mine sounded like Rosie O. doing a belly flop onto a buffet table.
Which begs the question, "Why are you shitting on the buffet table, PD?" _______ The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
sometimes i hear angels singing when i drop anchor and sometimes . . . sometimes it sounds like an old ww1 machine gun and quite often it reminds me of a huge balloon that someone has comedy style let whizz around the room untill it finds its final spurt of slightly higher pitched Air up in a corner then the bubbles start. . . calm b4 the imanent Shit storm. somehow during the storm there are 2 tones the rapidly deflating balloon and sten gun together! i find keeping my feet flat on the floor at least contains the blast but i still feel sorry for my penguin toilet seat.
I don't know. Can't hear over the sounds over my own screaming._______Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', about to give birth to another Texan.
My arse has made many sounds during the act of shitting, the vast majority were a good healthy assortment of perfectly normal burps and whistles. Two vocalizations however do stand out. Once, whilst emptying myself after a night on the Stella's, my pert little ring made a sound identical to that of an emphysemic old man hawking up and spitting out a king sized loogy. The other little nugget of bum-speak was not strictly during the act of dumping, it in fact happened a few seconds after the banana had split, and can only be likened to the noise a hamster would make whilst being sexually assaulted by a Doberman Pinscher.
"Rosebud!"
Squat, in my opinion, you have in one word, just written the funniest comment on this site.
After today's gorging, tomorrow morning it'll probably sound like an atomic bomb being detonated.
How about "High-Deeeee-Ho!!!" like Mr Hankey from south park!!!
A turd coming out of the anus would probably be happy getting out of that damp, dark, stinky place. I would guess it would be singing the old Todd Rundgren song, "I Saw The Light".
Wouldn't poop be more interesting if it were alive? Anyways, mine always sings achy breaky heart if ya know what I'm saying... You guys like toilet humor huh...look on Utube for "Inside Steve's mind". That's some funny shit...literally
I'll fart most of the time while I poop, but my farts are really big and loud. After farting big chuncks of poop splash out.
It would be cool if there were sound effects like the old WWII movies.
This morning my poop emerged with a zipper-style fart, then a tiny soprano moan, then a sudden SPLORTT! followed by a few soft plops. Not encouraging. It was soft but with several formed turds, including a few reminders of last night's beets (small red spots on the poop, slight red tinge to the water).
Well it's back to the Veterans Administration for me to make a plea for upgraded hearing aids. I don't know how they will respond when I tell them I can no longer hear the sounds of my turds. If that is not a right, guaranteed by the constitution, it damn well should be.
Chief, have you considered lowering a mike into the bowl and transmitting the sounds to your stereo system. I'm sure your wife will understand.
Whoa! Don't do the karaoke at Chief's place....possibly PD's too.
Thanks Spatt.....That explains why my last few karaoke parties have been duds!
Or you can have the lighthouse for the blind put your poop/fart sounds in braille_______...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
sittingpretty.....The last person who felt one of my poops said, ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!
I imagine reading braille in poop would be pretty ewwwwwwwwwww. Hahaha ha._______...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
yes yes yes all of these are true but there is one thing you forgot to mention it the fact that sometimes when you have trouble getting them out they wizz right out of you butt hole when you least expect them. usually with the slight squealing sound with a sound of sweet relief afterwords. does anyone else get a bit light headed by the ones that are just so hard you grunt at them?
Yes, you can get lightheaded from prolonged pushing; it can happen with yard work, hard playing at sports, etc. If that's happening when you poop, I think you should stop pushing until you feel normal, then try again. If it still doesn't come out, try some of the things suggested in the "getting out stuck shit" column on this site.
moist sliding sound. i once looked in a mirror while taking one it looked cool and the anus felt so good.
It makes a sound like a hot running torpedo on the movie Crimson Tide.
I just returned from my morning constitutional and must admit I was a little startled by the sound it made. For my evening meal yesterday I enjoyed a dish of Caribbean pigeon peas cooked with tomatoes along with kielbasa cooked in chopped Kimchi and its fermenting juices. I extruded a plug which was immediately followed by a gaseous deluge of soft chunks. The sound that I heard was a distinct plunk as the plug hit the water followed by a musical and rhythmic splort-frap-splort-frap-splort-frap-frap-frap. I wish I had a recording that I could post so it could be enjoyed by all.
"And now, the lyrical stylings of...
Chief Thunderbutt's Ass!"
and the crowd goes wild yeeeeaaaaahhhh!!_______How I beat IBS
far and away, my favorite is the explosive blast. However, the roid reaction can cause rectal hemmorhage, and the resulting blood bath really impedes the view of my handiwork. as we all know, everyone looks.
For the comfort and safety of other patrons, all turds over 5lbs are to be lowered by hand...
It's a Turd-le!!!
Only when the bathroom is really quiet can I hear the soft and subtle sounds of the event: the entry of the poop into the world. Mostly I still hear nothing but the plops, but recently I have had a couple of movements with the soft ffffff sound; they were exiting pretty quickly.
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