It has long concerned me that, after heavy bouts of drinking and subsequently not eating for a week, I continue to poop during my recovery. The main concern I have: am I going to implode? After all, nothing's going in, but there is plenty coming out!

After a number of recent references on PoopReport to the physicist Stephen Hawking, I decided to look further into this field of study. I was relieved to discover the following.

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Quantum Theory is the theoretical basis of modern physics. It explains the nature and behavior of matter and energy on the atomic and subatomic level.

Matter. Fecal matter.

In fact, mind over matter. (Or, even, "shit head.")

In 1900, physicist Max Planck presented his Quantum Theory to the German Physical Society. Planck had sought to discover the reason that radiation from a glowing body -- at this point, we assume he meant his butt -- changes in color from red, to orange, and finally to blue as its temperature rises.

Planck wrote a mathematical equation involving a figure to represent these individual units of energy, which he called quanta. The equation explained the phenomenon very well; Planck found that at certain discrete temperature levels (exact multiples of a basic minimum value), energy from a glowing body will occupy different areas of the color spectrum.

Planck assumed there was a theory yet to emerge. And he was right, albeit it took some considerable effort by the many to eventually push it out.

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It is important to understand how scientists describe the properties of waves in order to understand how waves fit into quantum theory. IBS, for instance, comes in waves.

Already, we have a simple link between Quantum Theory and poop.

In 1923, French physicist Louis de Broglie suggested that all particles, not just photons, have both wave and particle properties. He calculated that every particle has a wavelength (represented by λ, the Greek letter lambda) equal to Planck's constant (h) divided by the momentum (p) of the particle: λ = h/p. Electrons, atoms, and all other particles have de Broglie wavelengths. The momentum of an object depends on its speed and mass, so the faster and heavier an object is, the larger its momentum will be.

Again, think about an anally-discharged projectile.. The decibel quanta, to coin a phrase, of the resultant PLOP! -- and, furthermore, the amount of splashback -- is proportionately related to speed and mass. Ergo, another link. (Note: there are other variables with regard to splashback, but I feel they fall outside of the scope of this document.)

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Which brings us back to my conundrum: you *can* get something from nothing. This is due to one of the bases of Quantum Theory: if a quanta is unknown, then it exists in many states at the same time.

To illustrate this theory, we can use the famous and somewhat cruel analogy of Schrödinger's Cat [1]. First, we place a living cat in a thick lead box. At this stage, there is no question that the cat is alive. We then throw in a vial of cyanide and seal the box. We do not know if the cat is alive or if it has broken the cyanide capsule and died. Since we do not know, the cat is both dead and alive, according to quantum law -- that is, it is in a superposition of states. It is only when we break open the box and see what condition the cat is in that the superposition collapses, and the cat is either alive or dead but no both.

So, given that, it's clear that my innards are in a superposition of states. So despite not having eaten anything, Quantum Theory shows that poop can continue to flow. I am relieved that I will not implode. My world is now at ease, thanks to Max Planck, and my drinking may continue.