A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I ordered food from a wings place and I found myself sick for five days. They had left tomatoes on my sandwich; I tried to pick them off because of my acid reflux, but of course it left seeds and goo. Well, a while later, the report of tomatoes causing salmonella was in the news.

I have no idea if my incident is related, but after some of the worst stomach cramps EVER (they rivaled the ones when I was in the ER with a ruptured ovarian cyst), An Event Took Place.

I looked in the toilet and there was a poop so massive I could not believe it was humanly possible. But -- but -- but -- IT HAD BIG WHITE SPOTS ON IT. I'm talking bigger than quarters. There was some white stuff floating in the toilet, too.

What in the hell happened?!