I search for where the bears shit and add to the compost heap.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I'm trying to remember back to the only time I had to do this years ago . I drank some water from a spring in the Texas Hill Country while deer hunting, and got a major case of the squirts. As best as I remember, I propped my butt up against a small sapling that had fallen over, leaned forward, and sprayed everything behind me for about 5'. The worst part is that I didn't have any TP so I had to cut up a really nice hankerchief I had, and it still did not get my ass very clean. What an experience!!!

I know if we were out camping before and we had to go without a bathroom for a log time we could look for a tree stump that was about the same height as a toilet seat, then you take an ax and slit it down the middle. its good for a few uses after that its gets pretty well.. shitty.

I hike, camp, and backpack nearly every weekend (when I'm not mountain biking that is) and nearly every time I go into the mountains I have to take a shit. It never happens at the beginning nor the end OT the trip. Always in the middle. The technique that works best for me is to squat and lean my lower back against a tree. It relieves the pressure on my legs and gives me something to push against if its a rough shit.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

I got my name on a hunting trip many years ago. Because I wear a traditional kilt, and are a free-baller, I can squat, dump, and hardly miss a step.

Why do I have to be in the wilderness before I can crap outside? Why, just this morning I dropped a deuce in the pasture because I didn't want to walk all the way back to the house.

I go for the serial killer method, and dig a shallow grave.

I wouldn't call it that, but I would dig a hole if I had the time. Otherwise, I'd bury it under a mound of dirt.
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I find a jackrabbit and shit on it... The little bastards! Running in front of my car and making me slam on the brakes until all my groceries hit me in the back of the head! Out in the wilderness, you're all mine! Muah ha ha ha ha ha!!!

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

TSV, I'm quite impressed that you can run that fast and hit a moving target less than half the size of a toilet bowl. Have you ever shit on a cheeta?

Dig a hole. Poop. Use single ply. Fill it back in.

Squat, you wear a kilt? That there's cool. What plaid?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

For outdoor pooping, I can not think of anything better than the kilt. That goes double if it is freezing! Indoors... That can be a problem. I discovered Poop Report looking for tips on toilets and kilts. The wee kilt, what 99 percent of people think of when they think of kilts, attaches to the waist with a couple of buckles. No trouble, just take it off. The fheilidh mor, or great kilt, is a different story. 6 by 15 feet of wool (the whole 9 yards) laid out on the ground, pleated wrapped and belted. This is not going to be taken off until you shake it out and crawl under it to sleep for the night. For indoor poop, I bend over till I look like a 7, flop the wool up on my back, and hunker down. Outdoors is easy! Daphne, I have several. Blackwatch is my favorite. I still do not have one with my family plaid. 9+ yards at $120 a yard. Someday maybe.

This calls on memories nearly a half-century old. Out in the woods, as I see it, wild animals poop regularly, and most of them don't bury anything; so I did the same, pooping on a thick carpet of leaves, far away from the trail. I did not leave the t.p. there, but rather put it in a little sack I'd taken along for the purpose and later burned sack and contents on the campfire. The only time we camped out as adults, we were in a campground with portapotties, which we used. Not exactly wilderness.

Several years ago my wife and I were vacationing in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park. We took a drive on a wilderness road (Parson's Branch Rd.) The road makes about a ten mile loop into the woods and is unimproved and very rough.

We were about halfway through the drive when I pulled the truck over and set our cooler on the tailgate so we could construct a few sandwiches for lunch. No other people drove by the whole time we were eating which led me to believe that, because of its roughness, the road was seldom traveled.

Well sated with food and beverage I decided to take an after lunch leak. I stepped across a large log and into the edge of the forest and there it was, at least an acre of human shit. Neat little piles of poop attended by neat little piles of used tissue were everywhere. They were spaced fairly evenly at intervals of two or three feet.

I suppose this is proof that the Smokies are the most visited of the National Parks.
Porta potties are few and far between so I suppose people did what the had to do.
A better name for this park might be "The Great Smoking Turd National Park."

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Squat.....Your kilts would probably have saved some lives in the early days of the American frontier. I have read that the Indians loved to encounter the frontiersmen while the were shitting because they were so vulnerable with their trousers down about their knees.

The Indians themselves were not that vulnerable while pinching a loaf since most of them only had to flip up a loincloth.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I`m in Scouts and I will did a Cat Hole Relive myself the cover it up

Most of my outdoor dumping adventures are hasty unplanned events. The main preoccupation I have is trying to make sure my ass is in proper orientation to the slope of the terrain. The last thing I want is to have piss or shit flowing towards my feet.

Tidey bowl man, even using my dyslexic powers I cannot make sense of your post.

ChiefTh, I also have (many years ago now) found places off the highway where many people had had to stop and squat. Most of these places were on lonely stretches with no public toilets anywhere near; truckers and travelers would pull off the road, one at a time, do their business, and leave. As I recall, many of them either did without toilet paper or substituted newspaper, letters, or even cloth items that remained as mute testimony to their visit. I always used to carry a partial roll of t.p. in the car for long trips, just in case.

Dig a hole, take in the scenery, talk to the nosy curious wildlife, lay some cable, wipe and cover. That`s the way to do it.

MSG.........I learned years ago, while working in construction, to carry a roll of TP in my truck at all times. I made a tragic mistake once and unknowingly wiped my ass with fiberglass insulation. I was new to construction and didn't know what the fluffy pink stuff was. My asshole itched for days. I now keep a roll of TP in both my car and truck just in case.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I've never had to do this and hope i don't get in this situation but if i did i think the bushes would be the best option! Though i would strongly advise if you are planning on going on a walking trip that you take a Camp Toilet with you just to be sure!

We keep tp in our cars, too, Chief, tp, water, a space blanket, and a can of dog food. Once my daughter asked me "is that for us to eat?" (it's part of the animal pack in case we find a stray dog we might want to coax to us or simply feed.)

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daphne, no need to carry emergency tp if you have those carpeted floor mats.

Q: Does a bear shit in the woods?

A: Only if it's an outside bear.

Pooping in nature is an activity that everybody should practice at least annually. It can be a method for communing with Mother Earth and all nonhuman creatures. It can be a source of great satisfaction and relief during hikes and exercise. If no paper is available, there are a variety of options for clean-up "au naturelle". I find a fallen tree and straddle it, leaving a nice large log on top for all God's creatures to find! If these creatures could speak they would say "Captain Craptastic was here and left a fine turd!"

Happy crapping!
----Captain Craptastic!!!

PD, have you not heard of the shitting upon wildlife triathalon? See, you start by running after the jackrabbits. Then you dive into a river and go after the salmon. Then you climb a tree and target the bears and mountain lions. Don't ask me about the pentathalon!

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

So where will this years triathalon be held? West Virginia? Tennessee (sorry Chief)? I assume there will also be mud hole belly flopping, bobbing for pig snouts and beer drinking competitions.

Back in the old boy scout days, we used to try to find a tree with a forked branch. It didn't matter how high it was, in fact it became a bit of a compitition to see how high we could get before letting loose. We never did have anyone fall out. And being boy scouts we were prepared. We always had TP with us, it had so many uses.
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-Yes, my shit does stink, thank you very much.-

i would find a near by lake and take a dump in it
lets see the beavers try and build a damn with that log lol

PD.....There are advantages to being a Tennessean...........fewer names to remember
............4 million citizens but only six last names.

If you are in a stall with no TP just shout,
"hey bubba, I need some paper!" You will get dozens of rolls.

As to the games it always tears me up a little to hear the opening notes of the armpit serenade. Other fun events
I love are, toilet seat throwing, hubcap hurling and seed or tobacco juice spitting.

All the folks in my trailer park were rooting for me last year in the tobacco juice spitting but I was beat out by a hillbilly who could knock a fly out of the air at 15 feet. I personally thought he should have been disqualified for illegal configuration, the bastard didn't have any front teeth.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

And we have all forgotten the name writing contest. Even the girls compete after a good case of the beer shits!

This years games will be held in rural Georgia. Plumber's butt county to be precise!

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

i would make myself a loin cloth like the indians and run through a forest an just let it drop like it was goin outta fashion.
or i would dig a hole.
or do it in a badgers burrow

100% guarantee that you have never met a badger in the woods. Absolutely fearless! Rather be nose to nose with a bear!

Well I've only done this a few times but I'll usually find a secluded spot, and bury the ...ahem... leavings...

Badgers are psycho. They have a special jaw. I can't remember exactly how it works, but their jaw has muscles that do not allow for their mouths to be pried open once they've decided to clamp down on something, whether it is another animal, or your butt. They are the pit bull of the woodland world. They can also run close to 15 miles an hour when pissed off, too. Coming upon a female in her burrow during baby season would be one of the worst things you could ever, ever do. From what I understand, they will not stop attacking even under the threat of serious injury of death (like a game-bred dog). Most animals will back off once the threat of serious injury is at hand, as it's a positive evolutionary trait, survival; few can have successful species acting otherwise.

Squat, we have a cat named Badger. She was born in the sewers in Fort Knox, and the first time we saw her, she was running from opening to opening, fight raccoons for her dinner. She bit an MP's hand so badly that he had to get immediate medical attention.

When she was a baby, we put her in Gator's dog crate in the middle of the living room with a few toys, a tiny litter box, and a little house to acclimate her. It took 2 months for her to be around us without hissing. To this day, the only people who can touch her are my husband and myself. As it is, I have 2 permanent scars on my wrists from this cat. Even though I know how to hold cats without being torn up - yeah - this cat tore me up. She dug into my wrists so hard once when I had to catch her to get her to the vets, her claws actually dug into my arms. I could not get her claws out.

Now, though, she's older and affectionate after everyone has gone to bed. It was hard to make her un-psycho, but when she cuddles in my lap now, it seems to have been worth it. Badger was the right name for her!

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

It might interest some of you to know that the Japanese worb for badger is "anaguma" Translated this means "hole bear". I do not squat over holes with bears in them. The bear might have a taste for balls.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Especially if he doesn't have to pick a bunch of hairs out from between his teeth afterwards.

Nature's floss!

heehee.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This is an easy one. Just find a secluded spot, squat down and shit. And there's a bonus---you don't have to worry about "tucking" your tallywhacker, because the piss just streams onto the ground in front of you

Over the decades my balls seem to have balded just like my noggin. Badgers, bears, wolverines, etc., must furnish their own floss after dining.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Guess you can't blame the badger Chief. They'd probably mistake them for a couple of hard boiled eggs dangling in a pair of panty hose.

On the derail topic of badgers, my father worked at a small Idaho zoo for a short time during his college/navy years. He always hated the task of cleaning the badger runs and frequently tried to get someone else to do it. For one thing, he says badger poop is one of the most disgusting poops he's ever seen other than bear shit. Secondly, the only way to get into the run was with football gear, a metal riot shield, and a high-powered hose. You basically stood there spraying the shit into a drainage trench while fighting off these little black and white buzz saws.

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

Mother natures floss? I feel a rant coming! What is the deal with women and razors, tweezers, waxing, Nair, etc? I was once a young hippie. (I am currently an old hippie!) To see an earth mother, Beads around her neck, feathers in her flowing hair, sunburn on her smiling cheeks, A folk song on her lips, arm pits that you could braid, was so common. I miss them! Too bad they are extinct.

Back to outdoor pooping! I was fortunate enough to be raised mostly by my grandparents. Grandpa was not the kind of guy to buy anything, if he could build it. So whenever we moved, we would sell a house, and buy raw land. "Why buy a house, we can build it!" And we did. Again and again. Of course the house was not the first thing on the list. First we needed a shop. Secondly a barn for the animals, then a greenhouse, etc. So for years, we would live in a travel trailer. Pooping, or for that matter peeing indoors would quickly fill the holding tank, so for the menfolk, it was done outdoors. A typical morning would go like this. The smell of Missouri mule coffee would wake me up. Grandpa would drink this wonderful smelling, but foul tasting inky black stuff, pack his lower lip with Copenhagen, offer me some, (I would decline, except once! Another story) Grab a roll of TP, (he called it musical paper) and up the hill we would hike, until the exercise would have the desired effect. Returning to the trailer, as if she knew the exact time of our return, Breakfast would be waiting. Ham, (from the hogs we raised) eggs, (ditto) and biscuits. (They actually bought flour!) Every building would have a timeless, funtunanial beauty to it, but best not get too attached. Someone would want to buy it, and off we would go again.

Squat, I agree with you on the shaving thing. Today women seem to need to look like little girls to be attractive, shaving just about every hair off their body. The only thing I shave are my pits and crotch, but this is more for personal comfort than looks. If my pit and crotch hair didn't yank painfully in the elastic of my underwear/bras, or stink/chaffe so bad after a hot,sweaty hike, I probably wouldn't do it all. I have never touched a razor to my legs. This idea of every woman being a clean-shaven, anorexic beanpole bothers me. (Same with that annoying fad of babydoll shirts, which I have ranted about in other threads.)

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

Squat, your grandparents had hogs that laid eggs?

For TSV....and here I thought you were wearing a sweater....
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Thank you Bilge. Seldom do I laugh hard and suddenly enough to blast beer out my nose.

Yes, Bilge is good at that. Gotta love 'im!... Alright, who put duct tape on my legs?!

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

Having spent several years as a hippie back in the 1960s and 1970s
I am not bothered at all by female body hair. It is obviously natural, and serves a purpose. Pit hair acts as a lubricant and big muffs are just cute....love them..

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Earth-momma-mops. Brings back memories.

To be a successful muff diver you must have a muff to dive into. I once saw a strip show at an overseas military club that featured a German stripper. It appeared she had just shampooed and blow dried her crotch. Her pubic hair would have filled a bushel basket.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, are you sure she didn't have Don King in a leg lock?

PD.........Don King didn't have enough hair.
Maybe Robert Hegyes when he played
Juan Epstein, the Puerto Rican Jew, on
"Welcome Back Kotter". That was a fro!!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Let's not forget Link from the Mod Squad.

i'll poop my pants

My favorite outdoors shitting posture is between to big rocks. There are lots of natural formations where a couple of rocks are next to each other leaving a crevace in the middle. Sit on top of it, and shit down the natural crevace. You'll avoid splatters a whole lot more.

If you don't have TP, DO NOT USE NEARBY LEAVES. If you are not to familiar with the terrain, you can risk using some sort of poison ivy to wipe your ass, and believe me.... it's not fun. If the only thing at hand are leafs, then take your boot off and use the good'ol sock on your foot.

If there's enough privacy, remove your pants and underwear completely and set them aside. Remember, you are in the wilderness, and you don't want a bear, snake, scorpion, raccoon, squirrel, spider or anything pop up out of nowhere, and have your ankles tied up. You still need to have the ability to run in case you need it.

Shitting near a stream is nice too, for cleaning purposes. But don't shit IN the stream, use it to clean your anus, and clean up downstream, after the water has passed the rest of the campers.

My final recommendation is to USE BIODEGRADABLE TP if you can. You can easily order it online and it's not at all expensive. It's very sad to walk in the middle of nowhere and find a pile of shitty paper all over the trail. http://www.campingsurvival.com has some Bio-TP

Happy camping and happy shitting.