The Colostomy Bag: Mail From Readers

TO: Dave [1]
FROM: Trashcanman [2]
DATE: 4.27.2003
SUBJECT: hey...
==============================

So, still "floating around," eh?

Is your little website still getting any atention? I just wanted to see how you were doing, maybe one day you can go out and get a job. I'm a volonteer with www.deanforamerica.com [3] Howard Dean, the presidential candidate.

It's nice to see that you still have your niche, good. Someday you'll grow up and join the rest of the world. I'm glad I'm out of the gutter, and not talking about poop on the web 24/7 anymore... Hehe, I can't believe I was ever so silly. Immature is the correct word, politics these days are no less mature it seems, what with Schrub running America into the toilet, pretty soon we'll all be gettin "reported" by poop report.com. Well, I can't waste anymore time on you peter-puffers right now, later shit stain.

TO: Dave [4]
FROM: The Big Plopper
DATE: 3.28.2003
SUBJECT: for the blog
==============================

Hey, Dave!

I forgot to add the pic. of me dressed as poop for Halloween a couple of years ago...in case yer interested..

Thanks again!!

~stayC (The Big Plopper)

TO: Dave [5]
FROM: John Ward
DATE: 5.2.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

Shit has a strange and peculiar taste. It has a consistent taste of camembert cheese which has been left to mature at room temperature for about a month and has the bitterness of pureed oregon and lemon but without the tang and with a rancid accent. Sometimes it also has a taste of liquorice without the sweetness and with a salt and sour (the exact opposite to sweet and sour) accent. Often it has an ammonia taste with a sort of alcoholic bite which is a sure sign that shit can be very toxic in many cases. Occasionally shit has a taste similar to soft meat which has been sealed in a plastic bag to prevent loss of moisture and left at room temperature for about a month. So shit basically tastes cheesy and bitter and not unlike badly rotten meat. Oh so nice errrghhhhhh arrggghhh eheggggrrhhhh! Yeah right it tastes cool heh.

TO: Dave [6]
FROM: Chiapet
DATE: 4.26.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

I was probably about twelve years old when my little brother and I made a makeshift ramp in the garage out of some old wooden doors that we found leaning up against some cabinets. We were racing our cars down the ramp when I thought it would be cool to slide down on our asses.

It was fun for about five minutes, but I decided to spice it up a bit with a good old fart game twist. I went down the next time, only to fake a splinter in my ass.

"Ohhh, ahhhh, dude, I got a splinter in my ass --- ouch!" I dropped my shorts and asked my brother if he could see the splinter.

It was perfect. I felt like a sniper -- I had my little brother right in the crosshairs. I kept saying it hurts, and he kept getting closer to help find the splinter. All I needed was a big burst of air to blow him off his feet.

He must have been only a foot from the wrinkle star. Ummmph... nothing was happening. Ummmmmmmph... I kept pushing, but no fart was there. I couldn't lose this perfect opportunity! Ummmmmmmmph! -- and then it happened. A blub of slimy shit shot out of my ass and stuck to his forehead, like a big bug hitting the windshield of your car. He ran off, freaking out and screaming, as I stood there, wondering what happened myself. After all was said and done, we (well, mostly me) could not stop laughing.

TO: Dave [7]
FROM: Swfeatherstone
DATE: 4.26.2003
SUBJECT: turd
==============================

a couple of years ago I found a storie about this guy who was a clean freak and something about he went swimming in a lake with some girls and so on and so fourth but this storie had the theam song to JAWS and this poor guy crapped in the lake and the thing followed him everywhere he went. It was about the funniest thing I had ever read about at that point and I want to find it again. Do you have any ideas where I could find it? BTW I found this web sight through google and the storie I just read about walmart was GREAT!!

TO: Dave [8]
FROM: Eric
DATE: 4.26.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

So i ate brunch at the dorms for the first time this semester yesterday. It was so good but there was one problem, it actually stayed in my system for more than an hour. Then last night i went to Applebees where i had a fiesta lime chicken and then an apple chimmicheesecake which was some of the best food i've had since spring break. This morning i went back to the commons for brunch and was relieved just a few minutes ago when i had to take a crap. So i went into the stall, put the toilet paper on the seat becuase god knows what's been on those seats. After a couple seconds i was very relieved and looked down to see what looked like shades of green and blue on my crap. I was shocked and couldn't take my eyes off it...so if you have to eat dorm food, don't eat good food in between or else you might have moldy crap

TO: Dave [9]
FROM: Chris Shiddaker
DATE: 4.26.2003
SUBJECT: is this strange?
==============================

A few years ago, my family actually had a party called "The First Annual Poop Fest". My uncle started this "club" called the Poopy Pants Club. Family members would call him up about pooping their pants, or turning in someone in the family who did. He even sent out monthly newsletters telling in detail of the reports he received. Sometimes people would send in photo's of shit stained underware and he would forward the photo's with the monthly newsletter. He even called himself the President of the Poopy Pants Club. He even sent keychain flashlights that identified you as a Poopy Pants Club memeber.

So is this, like, really strange or have you ever heard of anything like this before??

TO: Dave [10]
FROM: Michael Emmons
DATE: 4.30.2003
SUBJECT: Lara Crapped: Poo Raider
==============================

This one might be a bit too long to post on your site, so i e-mailed it like they said you should if your story is over 250 words. So here goes.....(wait, before I begin, i want to make a suggestion that you allow downloadable movies of women pooping on your site, why not? A lot of other media about poo is already there, why not videos?) By the way, DON'T publish my E-mail address on your site. My story is called...

LARA CRAPPED: POORAIDER

Lara dived into the clearing with uzis firing away at the huge tiger diving at her, the jungle cat plummeted to the ground. Lara blew the smoke off her guns, "That will teach you!" She looked around,suddenly realising the rumbling through her digestive tract, she ignored it, putting her uzis back into their holsters, Lara trekked through the jungle, cautious with her every move. After a while she approached a stream, bending down to drink, a little fart escaped from her bottom, thinking nothing more about it, she continued her way to her destination.

Lara approached a bucketsized hole in the ground, seeing something, she squatted down next to the hole, 'Nothing,' she thought, just then, she farted again, this time much louder and smellier, looking around, she contemplated pooing, she hadn't shitted for three days After another rumbling feeling, she got up, clenched her butt cheeks and moved on.

Another hour passed, Lara farted constantly, in desperation, she stopped right in the middle of nowhere. "I have to poop...", she muttered to herself. The moving feeling in her bowels started to get worse, so she slowly pulled down her shorts, then her undies, getting into a squatting position, Lara let out a big, long, loud fart, a few seconds later, she started pushing, a big hard turd came out of her anus and hit the dirt with a tiny thud.

Balancing herself, she pushed again, smaller pieces of poo came out of her cute little bottom, pushing once again, a good sized poo squeezed out of her arse and fell to the ground, after a few more small lumps, she got up, inspected her handiwork and pulled off some leaves from a tree a few metres away, enjoying the feel of the cool breeze on her poo-smeasred butt crack and dirty bottomhole, she walked back to her poo pile, squatted down again and proceeded to wipe herself, after four wipes, she left the poo covered leaved next to her crap. Putting her undies and shorts back on, Lara smiled to herself, "The best poo I had in days!"

THE END....FOR NOW!!!!!

TO: Dave [11]
FROM: Tim Roberts
DATE: 4.20.2003
SUBJECT: *no subject*
==============================

I Put poop in a few Easter eggs this year One of my cousins thought it was peanut butter It was funny as hell.

TO: Dave [12]
FROM: john doe
DATE: 4.17.2003
SUBJECT: ask poopreport
==============================

anyone have cures for heavy sweating. Some days its not bad. I have tried more water but its like some days I have to change 3 x day. Any medications help?

TO: Dave [13]
FROM: Captain Crap
DATE: 4.17.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
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I was about four at the time. I was taking a bath (I hadn't graduated to the shower yet). Dinner had been loaded with fiber, so I felt the flood gates opening. Not now, my tiny brain thought. Pressure was building, and my cornhole couldn't take it anymore. I shit in the bathtub. It was nasty enough swimming in shit, but it floated. I'll blame it on the soap. And this is why my hair turned from being naturally blond to brown.

TO: Dave [14]
FROM: Stink - sss
DATE: 4.22.2003
SUBJECT: for the blog
==============================

Had a big pile of Indian Chicken Biryani, like the usual, and whammo! It would be liike touring the super colon with a rocketsled. It happens in a matter of an hour! I think the guy tainted the food with something like nitrous oxide. Kept on squattin'

TO: Dave [15]
FROM: JockStrap152@aol.com [16]
DATE: 4.1.2003
SUBJECT: Re: PoopNews ||||| doorless stalls and making
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i think doorless stalls are cool! I am a girl, and sometimes i get jealous of how guys can just pee in front of each other, i think that kicks ass. I wish i could pee in front of people, then there would be more stuff to laugh at. i would see one of my fatter classmates taking a poo and i would go "HA HA! LOOK AT YOUR FAT ASS POOPING! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE ME POOP?" and I think I'd make some true friends that way.

TO: Dave [17]
FROM: Dcrapper of idipootimus [18]
DATE: 4.1.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

well, one day I was in my last period high school class. it was almost summer and i was excited.That day at lunch I had bought 20 peices of pizza and now with the drone of my teacher going on about some math shit, I was feeling the ass rending effects.I tried to hold on to the shit, but the brown goo wouldnt stop coming. I ran to the bath room(50 yards down the hall!)and locked the stall. It was wonderful. the best ass reaping I've ever had. as the shit continued to pour down my anal crevase, I began to worry. It didnt stop for 15 minutes! when I got up there were 12 or so of my friends outside. with a tape recorder. the horror! for a month after I was known as 'ass trombone' 'shitzilla' and 'but bomber' dont eat school pizza!

TO: Dave [19]
FROM: jetsongirl11@aol.com [20]
DATE: 4.7.2003
SUBJECT: for the blog
==============================

my husband forches me to poop in my underwear just before i'm having his hundred and one babies and i like push the hardest bowel you've ever seen in your whole entire life what should i contune to do?

TO: Dave [21]
FROM: Bill Kattthos
DATE: 4.7.2003
SUBJECT: stinky
==============================

I was once in my basement (the crappiest room in my home) after my dogs had been down there all night. Also at that time i had a rabbit which lived in the wooden pen in the corner. Now, My family is the laziest people in the world, and if any of you ever had a rabbit you would know how much they crap. Well anyways, in this corner there had to be close to 4 feet of F***ing rabbit pellets. The basement reeked to high heavens! Not to mention this but, back to the dogs, there was a big juicy one in the center of the basement. My friend feeling stupid decides to spit some of the blood like candy stuff on it. Now this crap sat there with a bucket over it for about a year. After that the atrocities we discovered under that bucket were so horrible, it was too horrible to describe. A PILE OF MOLDY ANCIENT CRAP SO LETHAL IT COULD HAVE KILLED DRACULA AND FOUR FEET OF STANKY RABBIT DROPPINGS....

mmm.... delicious.

TO: Dave [22]
FROM: Givar
DATE: 4.9.2003
SUBJECT: poop in the office
==============================

One Sunday myself and co-worker were on call and were paged to go to work. My co-worker crawled under the raised floor into our boss' office took up a floor tile and took a crap. On Monday it was pretty ripe in there. He could not figure out where the smell was coming from.

TO: Dave [23]
FROM: emily
DATE: 4.13.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

i pooped and i came out liquid during my meeting with my boss. one guy saw it and asked what happened.i said i spilled some coffee.

TO: Dave [24]
FROM: Katinka Wahovanananana
DATE: 4.13.2003
SUBJECT: poop story
==============================

i pooed. in bed. And noone came to help me. I was sick. The fumes were killing my brain cells. Then i died. And when they buried me, i had hard crap stuck to the back of my legs.

TO: Dave [25]
FROM: jake youakim
DATE: 4.15.2003
SUBJECT: fun with poop
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I like to eat poop, it tastes good. People think it is nasty, but I think it is kinky and sexy. I like the feeling of warm, chunky butt mud sliding down my throat.

TO: Dave [26]
FROM: jake youakim
DATE: 4.15.2003
SUBJECT: fun with poop
==============================

>
> Hey there --
>
> I got the products you sent out. Thank you very much!
> However, I have aquestion: it says on the product "not for
> use, for novelty only." Does that mean what it says?
>
> Thanks,
>
> Dave
> PoopReport
>

Hi, Dave:
Tidy Butt is a novelty product, therefore marketed as such. Even though it is an actual enema, legally we are required to market it as a novelty item only.
Enjoy!
Deanna
Tidy Butt [27]