What, you ask?
Three-ply toilet paper, that's what!
What sort of a job is it to research toilet paper? And just how is such research conducted as regards live human subjects? Those questions are not answered by the Georgia Pacific researchers at the GP Innovation Institute in Neenah. Instead, the burning question that they do answer is this: "When will the new product appear?"
Answer: This coming Monday, the company plans to unveil three-ply toilet paper based on its Quilted Northern line [1]. The new paper, called Quilted Northern Ultra Plush [2], is billed as "ultra-soft" and is to be marketed especially to ladies forty-five and over for whom the bathroom is a "sanctuary for quality time."
As a male in his mid-sixties, I of course see this as incurably sexist. Who is to say that I, and other men, can't also view the bathroom as a sanctuary for quality time? And why should the ladies be the only ones to benefit from ultra-soft TP? Our anuses get just as much stress as theirs do; and if the three-ply stuff is any good, I surely plan to try it too -- although I hope not be laughed at in the checkout line for buying a 'feminine' product.
Although Fart Poopie first reported eagerly about this breakthrough last year [3], the South Florida Sun-Sentinel says that not everyone is enthusiastic about the new line of paper. Industry analyst Bill Schmitz is quite skeptical, saying the extra layer makes the paper stronger, not softer, though he does concede that Georgia Pacific may have added extra fibers for softness.
So this is a quest for softness? In that case, fiber needs to be in the food -- that can make for even greater comfort than thicker toilet paper. I've got Metamucil; I think I'll stick with Scott or Marcal.
Will you try it? Take our poll! [4]