i chose the first option because it's inescapable. i hate being around stinky people, and it's so much worse if there's nothing you can do to get away from it!
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i love poop.

I had to agree with wonderpance on this one. I couldn't go with option # 5 because I am the senile old person who farts while in the checkout queue. The dog shit option would be the most offensive if I were barefoot at the time.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

A modification of #2. Finding the stray turds AFTER you've sat down.

#1 - There was a lecturer who stank of shit when I was at college - and his breath was a million times worse; you NEVER called him over to help explain something. He was one of the reasons I did so badly at Electronics.... that and the fact that I was as pissed as a rat every afternoon!

Spattacus....I had a high school biology teacher whose picture is probably in the encyclopaedia in the section on halitosis. He smoked el cheapo cigars and I think never brushed his teeth. If he looked over my shoulder I would have to stick my nose into a pickled frog or up a fetal pig's ass for fresh air.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I am currently living with my 79 year old mother in law, and I can state unequivacably(sp?) that an old person fart is the worst. That nasty old quim can fart like a longshoreman and since she is almost deaf never owns up to it or excuses herself. I was following her up the stairs one day, and the old cunt actually farted in my face.On ocassion, however, I do get even. One night, she fell asleep in her easy chair watching Wheel of Fortune. She was leaned over sideways with her mouth open snoring. I checked to see if she was still alive, then spun around, dropped my shorts, spread my ass cheeks, then ripped a huge wet fart into her mouth.She woke up sputtering and gasping, and went back to watching The Wheel.I've actually promised myself that when the old twat finally croaks, the last thing I will do is fart right before they close the coffin. That way she can smell my shit for eternity._______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

This would test my patience:
After getting off a plane, where I'd had to sit next to someone who smelled like shit, getting into a taxi driven by a fat, perspiring Middle Easterner, arriving home after dark, only to step on a hot, fresh turd in my front yard, which had been left by my senile, aged, next door neighbour.
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

I chose #1. Not because of the smell. I hate flying. Let me rephrase. I HATE flying! Give me midnight, in the Bearing sea, in a blinding snowstorm, with 30 foot waves, in a leaky ship, over an airplane. Every time I look out the window at 30,000 feet, my brain screams "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE UP HERE!" Having a shitty smelling passenger next to me might be a nice distraction. That and lots of scotch!

I fly a good bit, and the thing I could never figure out is, who are these dumb fucks who buy the seats right next to the bathrooms. There's no more leg room, and I don't believe your chances are better in a crash. I've been in sold out flights, but I'm sure these seats were not the last to go. On all the other flights, there are vacant seats, but there are the dumbasses breathing in the freshest vapors coming from the asses of most of the rest of the passengers. I often wondered if they call their travel agent or airline and say, "please book me a seat as close to the bathroom, as I am a lazy fuck, or I just enjoy the smell of airline food as it's passing out of many strangers bowels". I will fly again soon, and this time I will study this rare breed of flyer carefully to see what they are all about. Meanwhile I will give them a treat of my own.

What I hate the most is to open my windows to smell cat poop of my neighbors six cats. I'd like to trap them and put them out in a pasture about 2000 miles away... I need a dog, but then Id have to deal with dog poop.

The garden deal is awful first, as a threat of e-coli on the vegetables. Second, the idea that someone actually had to go out of their way to crap in garden crops. The other events, while awful, are everyday things...people being people...the garden thing is close to turd terrorism.

I couldn't stand being stuck on a plane for HOURS smelling someone's crusty stench. As for the e-coli thing Chili, your veggies are washable. Who knows, could be the best fertilizer you ever seen. I grew up on a farm and have stepped in more than just dog doody, so that's just life!

Shitty smelling folk on planes are bad (ones that stink of stale barf are even worse), but the old farting folk take the biscuit. They all should be forced to wear t-shirts that say "Beware! Stay upwind! Mobile Bio-hazard!" on both front and back......no offence, Chief.

Fanny & TB, there is nothing else better than being in a confined space, with the smell of shit in the air, y'know, that heady warm aroma... its kinda comforting

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Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

T-box....No offence taken. I plan on giving those behind me in various queues an international tour of aromas soon. In honor of my friends in the UK I shall start with a whiff of tatties and neeps washed down with scotch whisky. I eat a great variety of food so I can give them a globe circling tour in just a few weeks.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, when you undertake your tour, if I may so bold as to make a suggestion for a suitably flatulence-inducing British menu, it may assist you in creating truly memorable intestinal explosions that will be the envy of all your friends.

Breakfast:
The Full English, comprising of fried eggs, bacon, sausages, mushrooms, black pudding, grilled tomatoes, hash browns, lots of baked beans and wholemeal toast washed down with several mugs of tea.

Lunch: steak and kidney pie with chips, gravy and lots of mushy peas, washed down with a couple of pints of decent English bitter.

Dinner: Poppudoms, chutneys, lime pickle and as much hot spicy curry as your stomach can contain (anything milder than a madras and you risk being labelled a homosexual), followed by jam roly poly and custard, then as many pints of rich dark English ale as your wallet can afford.

This combination of culinary delights will ensure the foulest wind imaginable, with alarming frequency, and will provide you with your own personal mobile 'exclusion zone'. You will be guaranteed a seat on any train or plane, because people would rather spend the duration of their journey in the lavatory than sit within 10 feet of you

Chief's no pussy. He'll have a phal.

He`d better change his name to ChiefVolcanobutt in that case. The government will have to declare a 5 mile exclusion zone around him.

I chose some other horrid situation. Hows about wrapping your hands around the shopping cart handle at Walhell only to discover that the underside is doppled with a fresh smearing of shit. True story, seen it happen before. I always wipe the handle down first now.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Oh my God!
Under the handle of a shopping cart???
That is a particularly foul form of turd terrorism, and it would be pretty hard to 'target' a victim that way, i.e. it would be a random attack. Much like smearing poo on the door handle of a public toilet. Some poor innocent bastard cops a handful of doodoo for no good reason.
*In the tone used by Klink to dismiss Hogan*-
DIIIISSS-gusting!
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

By the tone of that reply BM, I'm guessing you are on your way to the supermarket right now.

Oh, don't forget, the wife wants you to pick up some fresh koala burgers.

Now this was a good poll!

El Scumbag.....Your menu sounded wonderful. I have never eaten black pudding but I have had both German and Korean blood sausage. The Korean, called sundae, is delicious. I had to do a Google search for poppudoms but they definitely sound like something I would enjoy.

I was once in a packed Japanese train car, standing room only, slightly the worse for wear, after an afternoon of beer chugging, when I relieved some internal pressure with a hearty fart. Much to my amazement all the other passengers were able to pack themselves into half the car leaving me half all to myself. I was not perturbed in the least by their glowering.

--
Conceit is God's gift to little men.
- Bruce Barton

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

pd, until I can get a higher-paying job, we won't be eating koala burgers.
The little buggers are so hard to catch that the price is prohibitive.
Roo meat is much more affordable, and theres millions of the bastards.
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

I chose some other horrible situation.

Nothing worse than going to a formal dance and brushing against the wall on your way in, later to have your girlfriend point out that everyone is looking at you because there's a shit smear on the side of your 250$ tux from Hugo Boss.

How old are you LOC? You sound like you're around my age to be going to a formal dance...
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The Original Grasshopper

Leandra....I checked the profile of Levi OConnel and was amazed to learn that he was born on March 21, 2008. He is also the father of five, and has a very sweet girlfriend. I would say she was very sweet to allow herself to be impregnated five times by a one year old. I think I am missing something and possibly did not pay enough attention in college biology.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

:O THINK you're missing something?! Holy shit! I think I need to go back to 9th grade and pay attention in Bio.
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The Original Grasshopper

I'm 26.

Can't remember what I screwed up there when I was signing up. =P

Too lazy put in my birthday maybe.

OK Levi.......I was to old to go back to school anyway.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I picked the shit in the garden. The thought of someone getting over our six foot fence and pooping in our back yard is very unsettling. I could handle the shit stinker on the plane; I'd just order a double Jack Daniels and then spill it all over the person. Booze is better than poop.

Mullet, I liked your comment.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I am not a biologist, but if is true that the koala lives on eucalyptus leaves wouldn't that make a koala burger taste like a cough drop?
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Koala burgers. A new cold treatment. You may be on to something there Chief.

Koala burgers? How many other animals are you going to kill and eat? Uck...
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The Original Grasshopper

Just a few more, then we'll start on the reptiles.

Alligator burgers?
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The Original Grasshopper

Gecko hotdogs. we could use that annoying little bastard from the commercials.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Not enough meat. Let's just roast one of the cavemen.

That Aflac duck would look good on the table too.

I have never eaten dog but the little wise ass dog with no fleas tempts me greatly.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Lewis and Clark ate dogs regularly on their exploratory trip through the Louisiana Purchase territory, and kept journals of it. Several were brought on the trip specifically to be dinner.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

wow Snoopy you taste delicious, that's what you get for pissing on the carpet!
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Escapees from Siberian prisons routinely take a "cow" with them to kill and eat. The "cow" is a newbie prisoner that pretty much doesn't know whats going on.

Bilge.....I have read, don't know if it was Lewis or Clark, that they regretted eating dog because it was the most delicious meat they had ever eaten.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I can take the smells but seeing actual logs just don't seem to settle right with me.

Indeed, Chief, they had a difficult time reconciling their taste buds with their guilty conscious.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

What about that cottenell dog? Would anyone eat that? Would it taste like shit?

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Definitely the shit smeller. I actually created a bumper sticker on my website that says, "Smoke more. You too can have poo breath."

When I took that cruise with my mother in 2005, I was forced to dine with four of the most obnoxious old fucks I've ever met. The two men sat around the entire time talking about politics, "queers"(as they called homosexuals) and how lame they were, and other annoying topics that I really didn't want to discuss over dinner.

The senile wife of the more obnoxious one took as long as she possibly could so that we were the last ones at the table EVERY... SINGLE... STINKING... NIGHT!!! Because of course we had to wait for her before we could get our next course in the meal. I sometimes contemplated rolling her wheelchair down the stairs just so dinner didn't take two hours.

And then there was Mrs. Shit-breath. Yes, the coffee-chugging wife who never brushed her teeth in the twenty-first century. (Or the twentieth, from the smell of it.) And of course I had to sit by her every night! I can't imagine being stuck by her brown fumes in an airplane, where I can't stuff my nose with shrimp to trap out the odor.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

TSV.....I had a biology teacher in high school who smoked cheap cigars and had the foulest breath imaginable. When I was doing lab work
and he came up behind me to lean over and check my work, my only recourse was to stick my nose up the ass of the formaldeyhyde soaked frog I were dissecting.....

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

My young daughter had to go for a couple visits to the dentist for a dental procedure. On the way to the office for her second visit she freaked out and said she was afraid, and didn't want to go. I tried to calm her by saying that this visit wouldn't hurt. She calmly told me that she could handle the pain, it was his foul salami breath she couldn't take.