I don't fart.

It depends what made me fart in the first place.
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"You know why I like you Harry? Because you're a regular guy, yep, that's why I want you to stay regular."

FacultyPoe (8) -- 03.02.2009
I don't fart.

Then why in the hell would you respond to this poll? It asks a specific question, which, by your reply, doesn't apply to you, yet you had to waste space and bandwidth with your worthless bullshit. I, for one, have grown very tired of you.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

As have I, but at least they didn't say anything about a certain bookseries. I mean, you can't even have fun with this troll! Teddy,come back and fuck with Bilge's skull,please?
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The Original Grasshopper

Even though I originated the poll I had to go with other. I fart pretty much continuously on some days and on other days just occasionally.
Depending on what I have eaten and what the beverage of choice was that washed down the meal my farts vary from the hardly detectable to the eye watering, toss your morning waffle, kind of aroma.

The farts of old fat men, a catagory into which I certainly fit , are among the world's foulest. Like our illustrious ancestor Benjamin Franklin, I fart proudly.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Dear Facultypoe.....You my dear are mistaken. The process of living produces gases that, possibly unbeknown to you, come out your anus even while you are sleeping. Perhaps you merely ooze out little sissy farts and are truly unaware of them. Perhaps trolls don't fart. The farting process does not stop until some time after death. Even dead people fart and burp for a few hours after their demise. If you truly don't fart then you are probably due an earth shattering expulsion. I hope FEMA is better prepared for this impending disaster (perhaps that should read disasster) than they were for hurricane Katrina.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I don't know. FP has been blowing a lot of hot air here.

PD! Chatroom, NOW!!!
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The Original Grasshopper

I voted Other. Please explain.
Well, as anyone who has read my posts would know, I have a modified exhaust system on my guts. This results in my gut gasses and belly demons being expelled into an external holding bay, to be released to atmosphere at some convenient time.
The stoma sometimes produces audible farts (usually after rising in the morning), butt usually they're SBDs, and occur whenever they damn well feel like it. The bags have little charcoal filters on them, but they have limited effectiveness, so a good, long, burbling fart will overpower them.
FacultyPoe, I don't know how you do it! I don't even have a butt hole, and I still fart!
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

I am truly disappointed that we have no one that fits category one, the shrill trumpet like fart. I think these farts are usually produced under extreme circumstances, when the cheeks are squeezed extra tight. The fart I produced in church as a young lad is an example. The sounding board of the hardwood pew amplified it greatly.

I had a supervisor while in the Air Force that constantly produced the bass, tuba like farts. I suppose he had lost most of the muscle tone in his old anus through overuse.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, chatroom, now!
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The Original Grasshopper

Chief, if it makes you feel better, my dad is definately in that category.
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"You know why I like you Harry? Because you're a regular guy, yep, that's why I want you to stay regular."

Chief, my dog Gator farts like a trumpet, like the sound of someone whistling with a blade of grass in between their thumbs. Does this count? :)

I picked the SBD option. My farts are ninja stealthy. In fact, if they were visible, they'd still be invisible. Except for the little ninja shoes, which you'd see as darting around the corner of your peripheral vision. Yup. Ninja farts.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daphne, me and pance are in the chatroom. Care to join us?
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The Original Grasshopper

I had to answer the most typical fart: one tuba bass rumble. There is a high variance with this, as with all bodily functions. Farts are no exception. Usually one good one, sometimes a series of little ones. The high-pitched fart is a rare event worth remembering and discussing at length with those I know who can enjoy a good fart story (my dad and my brother). My dad bought a cartoon book in Reno, Nevada once that was simply titled "The Fart Book". It had farts by nationality and category. The German Fart is a voluminous, resonant fart from heavy beer and sauerkraut consumption, for example. Great book!

SECONDARY POLL QUESTION: EVER HAVE A FART THAT SOUNDS LIKE A QUESTION (rising tone)? These can be great when timed well among certain company. Some farts are without a doubt, an exclamation(FART!!!!). This is the fart that boldly states itself in no uncertain terms.

The worst fart is one that has a wet ending: a shart. Occasionally though, I feel privileged to have a poop that is fart-propelled; makes a great splash after expulsion under pressure. Probably the most foul farts are the ones just preceding the poop: "precursors". Fermented and flavored to a high degree!

It's OK to fart at the dinner table, just means a sign of progress!

----Captain Craptastic!!!

I picked the several low pitched bass tones one. Although if I'm sitting in a wooden chair my farts sound like jazz as played on a trumpet.
When I was pregnant I had the worst SBDs, they would hang in the air like a curtain waiting to encase anyone who walked into them. I once let one out at Walmart and then waited at the other end of the aisle. Some snooty lady walked right into it and started gagging. ahhh memories.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

My farts are a combination of #2,4,5 and 6, depending on the mood of my ass.

Your ass may have Multiple Personality Disorder.

Sorry I missed you all, Leandra. Next time I'll try to pop in and chatz.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

My loud bass blasts are useful for clearing the leaves from the lawn in autumn.

Very impressive T-box, do your anal blasts have enough power to do snow-blower duty in the winter? If you answer yes we may have a position for you in the Tennessee militia.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

My wind is strong and gusty, but I don`t eat enough chilis or curry to give it the heat for serious snow clearing. I`ll just have to stick to minor gardening work.

Tbox, I guess the occasional shart would come under the heading of fertilizing?

Good thinking, pd - I should have been doing that instead of wasting all my precious spooge.

I have heard people say they would not eat possum because the possum is an opportunistic, omnivorous scavenger, yet they eat tomatoes and tomatoes eat shit.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

By "session" I assume this question refers to a "pooping session." If that assumption is correct, I normally don't fart during a "session" but usually about 10 minutes prior to--if at all.
However sometimes, like this morning, I was on the pot, and let out a real classic fart just as my "session" began.

I had to go "Other". Depending on the fuel the result is usually "Pharp" pause of a few minutes, then "Pharp" etc. With farting of this type you have to be aware of the "last fart", or things get messy.
When I was 19 a friend and I were doing saturday morning overtime at work and were having a coffee in the office prior to starting. In walked one of the office girls, mid 20's, couple of kids and a good laugh. She stopped in front of us, lifted a leg, farted massively and said "'Morning lads, Oh, sorry Ted!" - She hadn't seen the 63yr old stock controller sitting quietly in the corner!
He just went "Bloody hell!" We cried.

I wasn't quite sure what a 'session' meant either. If you are talking about farting during a visit to the toilet, then it depends on the shit. Sometimes my arse coughs and splutters like the lungs of an old man with TB who smoked a hundred a day, while at other times I don't fart at all. On average though, when I pass a stool, if I do fart, it's between 1 and 3 blasts, often in the key of E-flat, (which interestingly is the same note that most toilet flushes produce) which starts heavily and dies to a quieter 'whooshy' finish.

As for the rest of my farting habits, I fart so much, with a wonderful variety of sound, volume, length, frequency, strength, aroma and taste. Occasionally with residue, but more often without subsequent stainage.

Perhaps I should have said series rather than session. What I really wanted to know, I don't know why, is whether your farts normally come in a series or do you usually blast them forth in a singular fashion. I normally produce both farts and sneezes repetitiously.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

People!Chatroom, now! I'm aww awone....
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The Original Grasshopper

Luigi's pizza makes me really gassy, its great! Big rumblin farts.

No, I simply fart several times per hour. There can be gaps of anything from less than a minute to 20 - 30 minutes between them.

The average person farts about a dozen to 16 times per day. I haven't counted for a long time, but the last time I kept a tally from morning until evening (maybe 5 years ago?) it was 85, ranging from silent one-bubble poppers to trouser-trumpets which if they were used in Jericho a few thousand years ago, could have knocked the walls down without all that tiresome marching around the outskirts beforehand.

Mine usually come out in one bass blast, but not so much like a tuba, but more like a trombone.

I'm working on different tones. Bass, tenor, soprano. Hopefully someday I can start my own barbershop quartet.

how come I can't vote? I voted other because I would have voted all of the above and more, if I had the choice. I have singulars and series. Both are quite enjoyable, although the series produces greater satisfaction.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Postman, when you cut your first album, can I get an autographed copy?

Postman when you go on tour hook me up with some tickets too!

If you're at the concert - remember, don't do that waving the lighters thing.

I'll not only sell the album at a reasonable price at all my concerts - each album will come with a special scratch and sniff attachment for all to enjoy.

You could become bigger than Dave.

He's in India. He can't hear me.

It varies. Usually it all rushes in one low note.

My farts vary, but here lately they have been semi quiet, low pitched rumblings. I did one when I was walking a customer over to some product yesterday and they didn't even notice.

Oh and btw, has anyone gone into the fucking chatroom to make leandra happy yet? Jesus christ.

Thank God, LBK, I thought I was the only one...
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Nope, don't worry BM, you're not alone. So how does that bag system work? Can you just walk around and burp it whenever you feel like it? Seems like you could have some serious fun with that.

I find that when I wear thongs, the butt floss part of the thong absorbs the sound. Which is a little disappointing but a great tool in public.

asiansprinkles1.....I would think that if the butt floss part of your thong was stretched tautly across your anus, and, providing it was made of the right material, your farts should come out with the melodious resonation of a fine tuned woodwind instrument.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Y'know Chief, I'm gonna yank up my tighty whities, give myself a good wedgie and try that. Thanks buddy, I thought it was going to be a boring day.

Does the undie material make any difference to fart noise? Cotton would probably muffle the blast - I`d say a pair of silk drawers would really enhance the sound quality.

Maybe not the material itself, but certainly how tight and thick the fabric is will affect the sound quality. Silk is thin and shiny, usually loose too, so yeah, there may be a more satisfying rumble.

To sidetrack a little, what I have found when LIGHTING farts, the fabric matters enormously. Essentially it's best to light a fart bare arsed with a zippo, as a gas lighter's flame gets blown out by the merest puff of wind, and although a match works sometimes, it too can be blown out easily, Farting through denim is possible but subdued, as there is a diffused spread-out flame that is nowhere near as satisfying. Even the most powerful fart reduces it's flammability through a pair of jeans. Lighting a fart through polyester or acrylic is not advisable as the fabric will melt but the gas can pass through loose-weave thin cotton quite easily and produce some very satisfying ignitions without the need to expose one's anus directly to the flame and suffering one's chums singing "Great Balls Of Fire" in ridicule afterwards if things go slightly wrong.

ES, would an oxy-acetylene torch with a rosebud tip work? And what class fire extinguisher should I have on hand? I appreciate your expert advice.

Boy, this IS going to be an exciting day after all.

I'm on my way to Victoria's Secret. I hope they have thongs in my size. This could be the day that I return the trumpeting to my farts. The tuba like sound has become boring.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Try two pairs at once for an Oboe effect.

If the pitch goes no higher I will have a bassoon effect!
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

asiansprinkles1, aren't you glad you asked?

Well we're talking about different drawers making different sounds from your farts, but I wear boxers and jeans so what I'm curious of is if anyone else has ever had rolling farts. I've farted many times and had them just kinda roll out of the bottom of my boxers, down my legs and out at my feet with a neat little *wiisssshhhh* sound. Am I alone here?

PD - this sounds like very courageous behaviour, but I doubt that the flame of the flatulence would ultimately be distinguishable from that of the torch and that of your testicles as they ignite. At least practice a bit first and work your way up to more daring behaviour. I would suggest starting with a regular gas lighter through cotton boxers, then work your way up to doing it bare-bummed with a Zippo.

If you have not ingited your farts before, there is a slight art to it. In order to avoid a non-vegetarian nut roast, the timing between placing the naked flame next to one's anus and allowing the gas to escape, needs to be precise. Also, the distance between the source of ignition and the source of fuel has to be similarly precise to within a couple of millimetres depending on the amount of power the fart has behind it. Only personal practice will establish what levels of timing and distamce are appropriate for your own ingition system. I wish you luck!

LBK - that's extraordinary, my friend! You may not be alone, but I suspect that you may be in very select company. Are you sure it's gas coming out and not fizzy arse-gravy running down your legs?

The ones I normally wear are the cotton/spandex blend, a great absorber. I must try this silk and see what kinds of toots I can produce. I'm afraid I may destroy lace though.

Yea I'm definately sure it's not fizzy ass juice. I've been making rolling farts for some ten years now. It's really an art form. I've tried explaining it to friends and family over the years, but no one believes that they really occur.

I usually go for what I call the "grand finale" fart. Like you LBK, they start out as rolling, but I keep some in reserve, and just when everybody thinks it's over....well the grand finale.

Going back to the thong theme, I'm going to try wearing some dental floss as a thong and see what effect I get from that.

Well, if not for nothing, you should get all your bung hole cracks and crevices cleaned out. Try a rinsing with Listerine when you're done.

While in the service I won several farting contests by breaking one fart that would have been huge into several smaller farts. My competition told me that was cheating but I maintain that it was perfectly legal. It's not my fault that their digestive systems were unable to compete with mine in the volume of gas produced. I much prefer the looks of pained surprise my audience gives me when I rip off a real cheek flapper but when the object is quantity rather than quality I am happy with a series of small barks.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

I tell ya'll my girlfriend is the queen of stringing together a long line of small, vicious farts. I have seen her walk down the aisles at her job with the walking farts, letting out a barely audible nut very noticeable fart with each and ever step. I counted it up one time and she made 67 successive farts in the course of one long stroll. And the stench was unbearable.

Hey Chief, I have just one question: How do you cheat when you fart?

When you fart, isn't it pretty much you get what you get?

LBK, I love those, those walking farts. I think that should be a competition, maybe taking the place of the Dog Show at Madison Square Garden each year.

Yea, tell me about it. Imagine, a bunch of purebred yankees and rednecks, walking around in a circle trying to make the loudest farts while walking, getting the most in succession. Yes, I can see it now...

What else would ESPN show on their slow hours?

A friend of mine was in Walmart a few years ago , as he walked between two middle aged women who were chatting, he let a fart that was so loud it rattled their dentures. I was behind him but I acted like I didn't know him. I held my breath also.
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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Ah yes, there's nothing quite so nice as farting among middle aged women.

Unless you're about 45 years old and you squeeze out an SBD among a group of teenage girls who are looking at the latest CD releases.

Just looking at the looks on their faces is priceless.

I always found ass floss made for a nice fart symphony when I got adventurous.

Interesting how farts are being compared with music in this poll.

Well yea, that is why beans are called the musical fruit. You eat em and then you make music out of your butt. It's pretty sound logic.

I've often wondered about the idea of one's vocation affecting one's farts (I think I postulated on this somewhere else a long time ago).
F'rinstance, would a trucker's fart sound like the air-horn on a Kenworth?
Would a construction worker's fart have the staccato of a jack hammer?
Can a biker's butt emulate his Harley?
Would a gay turbo-Jap sports-car driver's fart sound like the whizzing of the turbo? (Complete with the 'douche!' noise of the blow-off valve)?
Just a few of the things I've wondered about...
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The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

Hmmm... I suppose a politician's fart would be a silent one. Hot air and a whiff of shit.

Speaking of which, I watched the news today and watched a few minutes of footage from today in Parliament. It occurred to me that all those old men have to sit on leather seats close to each other for hours at a time, usually digesting a sumptuous breakfast of kippers and kedgeree plus whatever booze is in their systems from the night before, so their firing mechanisms must be chucking out the gas to a disgusting degree. We can, as viewers, also hear every cough, every splutter, every clearing of the throat, yet I've never heard one of the bastards fart. And they must do it with the same frequency as the rest of us, so when do they do it? I've concluded that there's a secret parliamentary code which is revealed to MPs when they take office. When the Speaker shouts "Order! Order!" this is a diversion tactic and the flatulent MP can then sneak out a silent-ish little popper. And when the backbenchers shout "Hear hear!" this loud mumble is a perfect opportunity to release something with more guts to it. Developing the self control necessary to get the timing right must be a fine art, but no doubt one worth learning.

Tuba blaster, here. The other day I was half awake and startled myself with a big KA-POW right before a rockslide.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I usually fart once as my b.m. starts, just to get the gas out of the chute. On rare occasions I have another fart during or even after the b.m. For the most part, though, my farts are spaced at odd times during the day and do not herald an immediate poop. This morning, for example, I have already blasted off twice, and am not ready to poop yet.