A clean release occurs when post-poop wiping is merely a courtesy gesture -- when everything was so perfectly formed and executed that no trace is left behind. It provides a brief moment of pride and satisfaction -- a moment which, if you're dillegent, is just as quick and easy to engender as it is to enjoy.
Discovering the clean release formula is not something I set out to do. It pretty much came to me once I entered the 9-whenever working world. Caffeine never got to me in college -- I enjoyed coffee, but did not require it to keep my head up and eyes open in the morning. Of course I also didn't have to be up at 7:00AM every day. So once I entered the working world, I realized I'd have to succumb to caffeine's call. And just like that, I was hooked.
After a few months of regular morning coffee consumption, I noticed something else beginning to follow a regular pattern. I'd have half of my large coffee down by about 9:30 AM, at which point I'd feel a knockin' at the backdoor. So I'd hit the bathroom -- and be out lickety-split. Quick release in about 5 seconds, done and feeling fine!
That's it. That's the secret. Regular caffeine keeps you regular and clean.
Now, for those of you who think I've unlocked the secret to the Holy Grail of Regular Bowel Movements, take heed -- there are a number of activities with the power to throw this method completely off. They include:
- BEER. Caffeine's polar opposite, this oh-so-tasty-and-fun depressant is
pretty much 100% likely to mess things up down there. For me it's usually
consumption of 3 or more beers the night before. While the caffeine may jump start the
progress as usual, the process that results is neither quick nor clean.
- FOOD. Similar to beer, a fried-food frenzied night -- be it fries, onion
rings, or lots of cheesy pizza -- is guaranteed to throw a wrench into your movements.
So beware o' the grease.
- STRESS. This is a tricky one that on some occasions plays a roll while on others
doesn't seem to matter. Still, I have noticed that during some
ridiculously high stress points in my life, when everything is falling apart, the bowels
seem to follow suit.
- NOTE TO FEMALES: that time of month, with it's power to gum up seemingly unrelated parts of your body, will undoubtedly throw off your regularity too. At least this is true for me and a number of my female friends -- the caffeine may jump start you, but as we all know, there ain't nothing clean about what's going on at that point. Of course, they also say that caffeine worsens cramps, so if you suffer from those, you'll have to choose your evil.
And thus, the secret of the clean release. It's just that easy For every dollar you spend
on coffee in the morning, that's one less dollar you spend on toilet paper in the afternoon.
-- Anita Koffie