i wouldn't say my anal area is naturally pristine or hairless. but i suppose the hair is short enough that dingleberries have never been a problem for me.

unless i just don't know about them. how do you know when you have dingleberries?
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i love poop.

Oh trust me Pance, you'll know. You'll be forever tugging at them when you wipe your arse, and if you don't notice them, your lover will.

Wedgie has her ass hairs corn-rowed and braided...she couldn't tell a dingleberry from one of her beads....

As for me, the cat usually takes care of it, if, for some reason, I DO end up with one or two, incinerating them with a butane torch (not a lighter, far too feeble a flame) works for me.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Interestingly (well, to me anyway), dingleberries were once used as evidence to help convict the gang who were once Britain's most notorious criminals. The historic £2.6m heist from Her Majesty's Mail Train in 1963 (The Great Train Robbery) resulted in one of the biggest and most extensive manhunts in British criminal history. Indeed, several films have been made about it (including the ghastly eighties romcom Buster, featuring Phil Collins and Julie Walters).

After the robbery, the gang hid at a remote farmhouse (Leatherslade Farm in Oakley, Buckinghamshire) and following a tip off, the police raided the premises a few days after the gang departed from it. The gang had arranged for the house to be thoroughly cleansed of prints by professionals who prided themselves on their ability to remove such damning evidence, but the abilities of these "dustmen" may have been exaggerated. Prints were found, but the most damning evidence of all was to be found in the septic tank. A number of the suspects clearly had obstinate stubborn dingleberries as paper was found in the slurry with dingleberries (complete with hairs) attached, proving the presence of specific individuals.

My ass looks like Don King poking his head out of a gopher hole. I have to borrow an acetylene torch from the local ship yard to burn the berries. There's a lot of smoke produced, but it smells a bit like grilled lamb.

I just leave em. Theyll dry off and fall away on their own.

Easy for you to say Phat, but what about the poor guy walking behind you that winds up tripping over them.

I never knew there were that many different names for it.

To answer the question, I just keep wiping till the TP is clean. Anything that's still hanging on the hairs after that will dry up and fall off, eventually, I suppose.

I put them in boxes with super-sweet cereal and sell it to unsuspecting kids.

I've not had a problem with hanging poop.
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Russell the shitting queen

I send them to CEP with Doniker's return address on the box. Sorry you spooge monkeys.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go get the hedge trimmers sharpened. The plecostal foliage needs another trimming.

Why are you picking on us? We're not bad, just misunderstood.

My wife takes care of my dingleberries with the Toro weed whacker. Speaking of which, I have to get another spool of 100 test line tonight.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Who wants the job of performing a Brazillian wax job on someone with giant dingleberries? You'd think people would take care of shit like that before going to have the hair in their ass yanked off but I can safely say that no, no they don't.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Mrs. Mad Crapper, you don't work down at the Hairport Salon & Spa do you?
(Please say you don't. Please say you don't.)

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Being a fat, smelly, hirsute blue collar worker I decided to change my life by having my posterior pumiced and pruned to prevent my backside from looking like the matted dreads found at a Bob Marly concert.

Exfoliating these fecal entrapping hairs has now provided me with a confidence and a exuberance which has brought back the lovely Mrs Walcott (her yeast infections and goiter are both fixed!) and enabled me to be appointed to the position of Manager of Waste Management Systems in Apopka Fla.

Management is always right you're just jealous.

Bloody hell, me an me mate after a few pints an a bit o H start yapping bout r ass hair. Well me mate says "Oy Johnny ya feckin cunt, just roll me hairs tgether and make spikes", so's I did, you might know him, is names Skid Vicious.

I don't get dingleberries, though I have had them a few times long ago. The t.p. I use (Scott's or Marcal) doesn't seem to wad up that way, and my hairs are not as numerous as they used to be. So I wipe as well as I can, finish off with a dab of Noxzema on the last bit of paper, and that's it. Sometimes I use a wiping pad, like for hemorrhoids, followed by a dab of Balneol, if I feel itchy or sore; but that is also infrequent.

My dangling tagnuts double up as an impressive wind chime when I fart.

Oh I'm everywhere Bran Lover....everywhere.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Congratulations, Feto, on your turn around...well done sir, but can I play devil's advocate briefly? You had a similar turn around not so long ago, moved up the management ladder, with clean briefs, no less, and still got stabbed in the back by your counterparts...be careful, Feto, those fuckers are still out there, and as you know, the fall from grace is a long way down.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I use toilet paper first to get rid of most of the mess and then a washcloth with hot water and soap until it comes away clean.

Actually Bilge, that fall from grace can be as little as 6 feet with as little as 6 beers.

I pluck them and place them in my dingleberry collection. If I ever become rich and famous I feel that they will be in high demand as memorabilia.

I swear I never knew this was a real problem for humans! (or am I being naive? Is this some kind of JOKE?) I've lived in Texas my entire life so I know about horses & cows having them- they just cut or brush 'em out if they get too big.
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Fold or Wad?

"Anny (not verified) -- 05.05.2009
I use toilet paper first to get rid of most of the mess and then a washcloth with hot water and soap until it comes away clean."

Anny...you seem to possess the type asshole I cherish the most.

I really like the dingleberry wind chimes. I voted other because, I trim my little bit with scissors to prevent dingleberries. I can feel a dingleberry when its tangled in my hairs because it hurts. I am tender headed, so I guess that's tender anused. If I get one, I attempt to pull it out. If I can't pull it out then I wash it out. When dingleberries form it is time for my trim. I try to keep the trimming up about once a month.That prevents them. Beyond a month and I get them. I prefer pristine therefore I prevent.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

BTW, I am relieved to learn that there are others with the anal hair gene. I thought I was the only one. I am too embarrassed to ask my mother if I got my hairy ass from her or him. I thought it was abnormal because I have seen a lot of asses. But not many with beards.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Indeed, SP. Hairy arses are more common that you might imagine. After all, at the time of posting this, 67% of the voters clearly had winnits from time to time.

Mrs Scumbag had (and I must assume that she still has) a very hairy arse, although being blonde her hairs were not visible beyond a soft downy rug along the length of her crack. I used to tweak or pinch the hairs from time to time, which caused much annoyance for her and much amusement for me.

A girlfriend once had thick brown hairs on her arse, very much like the beard you describe, which she absolutely hated because she reckoned it made her bum look mannish. She waxed it just once and hated the growing-back process so much that she vowed never to do it again. Personally, I quite liked it. It was unusual and strangely attractive, like two coconuts side-by-side. However, I am not aware of her suffering with dingleberries (I certainly didn't see any despite frequent inspections of that area) but I assume she must have from time to time.

SP, as long as you don't have a butt beard that looks like Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top, you shouldn't be concerned.

Dredlocks Baby
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NO GRASS OR WEEDS IN MY BACKYARD

I have a particularly hairy butt crack, hair that extends from the scrotum past the asshole on either side and eventually merges with lower back hair at the northern end of the cleft. This is why I perform my morning rituals in the order that I do: brush teeth first, poop second, shower third [ALWAYS IN THAT ORDER]. Never any problems with dingleberries (fresh/new or dried/historical) for that reason: all sins are washed away!
Poops that occur later in the day are cleaned completely by a wet paper towel following the usual TP paperwork. Nobody likes an itchy, crunchy butt crack, and I don't like finding skidmarks in my shorts either!
So there! Now you know!
----Captain Craptastic!!!

To El Scumbag:
I like a gal who isn't afraid to present a furry butt. Your old girlfriend available?
----Captain Craptastic!!!

She might be. I'm too scared to look her up on facebook.

I've never had a dingleberry/ winnit. I don't have a very hairy bum and what hair is there is kind of baby fine like the rest of my hair. I guess baby hair is not prone to hoarding shit balls.

The 3 of you who trim it off with scissors, just one question: How can you possibly see what you're doing while you give yourself a haircut down there?

Postman.........I had a friend who was to cheap to go to the barber so he would set up two mirrors in his bathroom and give himself a haircut. He did a remarkably good job. I suppose one could use a similar system for trimming ass-crack hairs.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Postie, I agree; I'm a leftie and crap with scissors, so the thought of sharp implements around the ringpiece is fair terrifying!
I suppose the "back, sack and crack" beauty treatment would sort out the problem.

WARNING!

Nair for short-shorts causes extreme distress when used for ass-hair removal!

Just thought I would pass this bit of trivia along in an ongoing effort to save the dingleberry wild life.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Maybe the most efficient way to get rid of them would be to just back up to a belt sander.

Good advice postman. The method I prefer is to get one of those worn steel belted tires (you know with the metal cord exposed), put it on a high speed balancer and back that ass right into it. It'll sound (and smell a bit) like the starting line at a drag strip. Just warn others of the high speed flying winnets.

Or, PD, just have somebody burn them off with a blow torch. But the smell of burning hair along with burning shit would be too much for a lot of people to take.

Always make sure you know which way the wind is blowing. And since a lot of skin will also be burned off, be sure to splash on some rubbing alcohol and a splash or two of aftershave for that fresh tingly feeling.

Another way to deal with it would be to whip out the Schick Twin Blade. Might want to use one that's a little dull instead of one fresh out of the package. Don't want to cut any of that tender tissue back there.

Laser hair removal is another option. Laying with legs spread-eagle and ass end up for an hour or two sounds like fun! Sizzle them aromatic pellets away! Hair will grow back finer and silkier than ever. Dingleberries will find it more difficult to latch on in the future.

While we are here, let's start a home for wayward dingleberries, shall we?

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

PD, El Scummy, I dont have a heavy beard. It is just enough to bother me. I'm due for a trim as I type, but because it is a dangerous little chore, i procrastinate. Postman, i try to position myself on the tiolet with one leg up like a squat to see what i can. I cant see much in the anal region so i go by feel. I pull on a few, kind of tight, and trim closer to my fingers. Usually i catch a liile skin at least once during the procedure. Where I am really careful is around the liitle lips. So far i have'nt cut one off, but let me tell you that hurts when i cut the little lip. Everything gets trimmed, not just around my pucker. i epilate the groin. Not much there, in the groins, more on right than left, but still minimal, yet enough to poke out of bathingsuit legs. br>_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Postman, you had to ask, didn't you?

SP, do you not have a loving steady-handed trustworthy person available to trim it for you? It's always my job to shave the Mrs and remove any stragglers from the dirtbox region.

No El scummy, I don't. Nothing of the sort. I am singly unattached. After the last rape(in my 30's), I stopped dating. I am afraid now.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Sorry to hear that SP. Big hugs to you.

Be careful with those scissors though. The thought of snipping your 'little lips' makes me shudder.

Postman, I cringe at the thought of cutting the tissues of my ass.
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Russell the shitting queen

Sittingpretty, I too used to scissor trim. I got sick of that pretty fast. I now use my husband's razor. (Don't tell him.) Get a good quality razor. Just soap up the region of choice, spread them legs, reach between the string betweeny area. Pull the cheeks apart with fingers while you shave first one butt cheek, then t'other! No more scissor nips!

Dingleberries are butt a memory!

(I fear we are way in TMI territory, but it's too late now!)

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Well that explains why my razor looks like a Chia Pet.

I also noticed that I needed extra aftershave to kill the stench of shaving.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

First, I think the type of TP you use make a helluva difference. My Mom buys that extra soft Charmin, and it makes these little long rolled up pieces of paper, like little toothpicks. They don't stay in my crack but they do leave more makings for dingleberries down there. I like Scott.It leaves alomst nothing. And my ass can't tell the difference.
I also don't have alot of hair around the winker. It all went to my eyebrows. Yes,if I don't keep up I get the unibrow of unibrows. In elementary school the mean kids called me Bert, like in Bert & Ernie. Now HE had a unibrow.

pnuttycorn......I also had a unibrow in school, unfortunately this was well before the days of Burt and Ernie. My life may have been destroyed by being born before my time...Of course this was also in the days before toilet paper, for those from the NE that would read terlet paper.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Pnutty, sounds like you have a small toothpick factory in production back there. Could be the makings of a small "home grown" business. You could be a cocktail olive away from riches. Remember, marketing is the key.

I'll take a baker's dozen!

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

I'm a pro, I use flushable wipes, my bum is always clean, everyone should use these, they work!!!!

PD, I'll start saving tehm, but I only get 'em when I spend the night at my Mom's on Tuesdays.
(My Dad died in July and she gets lonely)Yeah, recycled faster degrading toothpicks. Oughta sell well with the drunken hippie demographic.
I gotta let 'em stiffen up enough to stab an olive. Guess I better start bulking up on the fiber. It was your idea, so.....70-30? ok w/you? I have to do the work.....

Chief, I'm in GA and I have always said terlet paper, but just when I'm being silly, which is always.

thanks El skummie, you are sweet. Bran, every now and then I shave. It is usually out of dire to stop the burn. Sometimes, the hairs themselves irritate my skin from wiping. I don't like the itchies from the razor.The razor irritates me too. Doctor stopped me from shaving pits nearly 20 years ago. Nothing in the pits to shave now. That is why I trim. I am too high maintanance for my own self.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

PD, LOL, yep, I have snuck the old chia roo on un suspecting brother, uncle or grandfather, or stepfather in Fla. when I would put my bathing suit on and find escaping crotch and groin hairs. Can't have a dull razor for the groins or near the hmm hmm.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Oh and FYI no stenches in the trenches here.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Hand rolled toothpicks. Sounds like a winner. The 70/30 sounds fair Pnutty. After you have about 20 pallets of them, let me know and I'll send a truck. We need a catchy name.

Jesus H. Christ there SP. Your grandfather! The poor old guy probably finished shaving his daily stubble and found himself with a full beard.

PD, like you have never ever left crotch hairs on the soap for the next unsuspecting showerer. SP is just exacting karmic revenge. That is just absolutely gross, PD! What if the next one in to cleanse is going to wash their face? Huh? It's just abhorrant!

Oh wait. That was my husband. Sorry for the rant, PD. My apologies.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

No problem there BL. My shower soap bars often look like dead Tribbles.

fantastic website. Its about time that dingleberries were given their due. Nothing beats burning off your arse hairs with a match, possibly as part of a blue flame ritual.

Well, it is like this,PD. All the men in my family know that if they leave their razor sort of out, (while we're in Fla.)to assume female usage. Well, mabe they dont know. They know i got to the razor when they find the blade dull. I never left hairs on it PD. I only left a dull blade.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Are you whittling with the damn thing, SP?

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Bilge, not these days. I whittled at my leg the first time I shaved, back in 1973. Lots of bleeding that day.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I'm thinking we should all pitch in and get Sittingpretty a chainsaw for her birthday.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Sand blaster, enuf said.

SittingPretty, my blonde haired sister, I have visions of you as Edward Scissorhands clipping away at your nether regions to produce one hell of a topiary.

Let it grow! Braid that fur! Fuck it, put it in cornrows. Get some shimmering beads tied to the ends to jazz it up a bit. Do it!

Thanks for the thought, but a chainsaw? Poopsey, im going to Florida tomorrow. i must trim tonight. If i let the pubics grow, i will have long perfect ringlets, blonde of course. It really bothers me when it gets too long Poopsey. And there is no way i could tolerate beads in the pubic fro.Good idea though.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

You know, I got to thinking, maybe 'Cousin It' started out with pubics that got away from him. You think he just kind of wrapped em around him til he disappeared behind his fur?

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

I think you are right bran. Come to think of It, his hair texture is...what do I know? I have not touched Cousin It. This thread went from dingleberry to Cousin It. Still hair related. ooohwah, The dingleberries on Cousin would put all Poopreporter reports to shame.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

After all the talk about chainsaws and edward scissorhands, i didnot do it. I epilated the groins easily. But i left the ringlets. It will happen eventually because one day i will get a knot and that will be it.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Um.... Ew! Thankfully I've never had this problem, except for those occasional rolled up toilet paper pieces getting caught in the pubes when I've been sweaty.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I finally did the trim a week or so ago. i couldnt take the knottiness. I am tender headed and tender pubed.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Are you tender tainted too? If so don't even think about crapping out a couple of mellon headed kids.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

If you squeeze, you can make the heads look like bananas or maybe other fruits.

Ohhh Yeah, mrs. crapper! There is no way i could have tolerated melonheaded babies coming out of me. I cant even have intercourse. It has been 10/10 pain ever since my first time when i was 18. i dont even want to try anymore. I get pelvic floor physical therapy to stregthen my taint muscles and the rest of my pelvic floor.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Tasteless question of the day that just popped into my sick little head: If someone gets an abortion, does that count as vacuuming the pelvic floor?

Sorry. I'll go away now.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Lol I just exhausted myself laughing. Since I have no HD signal my entertainment of choice this moment is the radio and the poopreport. I don't know why it makes my mother mad that I won't get cable.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

It is called a hot bath and good long soak.

I was born without a taint. I get handicap parking.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

I was born a total smart ass. I checked into it and they said no it's not a handicap. It actually makes me more cappable than the other dipshits around here so now they make me park way in the back....bastards.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Well that's ok MMC, I'll be back there too with the Walmart parking lot RV'ers.

I'll wave to ya from up front.

We're still frins aren't we? You won't think badly of me parked in my stately wide parking spot with the handicrapped sign on it? (You know, it's the only spot that guarantees you won't get door-dinged. Why are Wal-Mart shoppers always door-dingers?

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

You gotta open the door real wide if you've got a fat ass.

They don't ding your door here Bran they hock a louger on your window if you park to close. I personally like to rip my shopping cart down the entire side of their vehicle. It gives it that personal "fuck you" touch when I leave a note under their wiper blade afterwards telling them what an inbred fuckwit they are.. don't forget to sign it with hugs and kisses.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Lol. Keys are much more efficient in this endeavor. My hubby did that one time at our apartment. The guy with the Mercedes continured to park three inches *at best* next to our car EVERY DAY! Hubby finally had it and keyed him. Shh! Don't tell him I told ya!

I can't believe we didn't get retaliated upon. We had a POS Honda Prelude so it wasn't probly worth it to Mr. "Must Have Been a Drunk Mercedes Driver."

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

It's not Dingleberries! It's DANGLEBERRIES! It urks me when I hear the work Dingleberry. If your ass was a bell than maybe they would dingle but they dangle from your ass hairs making them Dangleberries not Dingleberries! It's like Ki-bosh or Ka-bosh. It's Ka-bosh you freakin idiots. I bet whoever uses the word Ki-bosh also uses the word Dingleberries

Well it urks me when I hear the work DANGLEBERRIES. Shall we settle this like gentlemen dAngle? Say, spelling at 20 paces?

Where I come from we say dingleberries, and maybe my ass IS a bell, it sure has a nice ring to it...:)
_______________________________________________
And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

The nerve of dangleberry calling us idiots. I don't appreciate being called an idiot. Mrs. Mad Crapper get that dangleberry!
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Yes, a good old fashioned Poop Report duel!

GO PRARIE!

I thought dingleberries and dangleberries were words anyway, not work. Although I guess they've become work now, with all of this going on...

What kind of idiot thinks that everyone else in the world is wrong when everyone else says dingleberries and kibosh?

Oh wait, I just figured it out...

Hey dAngleberries Damnit! UrbanDictionary.com is NOT a real dictionary, and stop reading illiterate websites. Twat.
(Yeah, with the short "a" sound.)

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How I beat IBS

Go after him/her, Ibbie! You're Tough
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Please use flame retardant clothing when you duel. That's all I ask. Be safe.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

It must be a regional thing, we say catty-cornered here, but I've met a lot of people from other parts that use kitty-cornered. Another one I always hated is when somebody refers to the planet Uranus as yer-uh-nus. It's yer ANUS, by god, it has rings around it and with all this new hi-def space imagery it's just a matter of time before we notice some cling-ons have taken up residence there. When that happens, we should send all our dangleberries there to learn their language and breed with them in the hopes that our differences will be forgotten in time.
_______________________________________________
And in the end, the shit you take is equal to the shit you make
GIVE POOS A CHANCE

To quote TSV, or maybe it was Di Urhea ."You say tomato, I say....fuck you"

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

dAngleberries Damnit....My good fellow, or woman as the case may be, a "dingle" is described in the dictionary as ***a deep, narrow cleft between hills; shady dell*** the sun doesn't shine on most of our anuses so the term "dingle" is an apt description of the area surrounding it. It would be very logical to call the formation of little paper and shit balls in that area "dingle-berries", I believe the use of a hyphen is called for.

PS: YOU STUPID SHIT!!..Oh...if we use your terminology shouldn't it be "dangling-berries"?

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Brannie! brannie! Brannie! Where have you been?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Aw I knew Chief my all time favorite Literary Nazi would lay the proverbial smack down on this fuckwit. I have never in my life heard of dangleberries, I have however heard of a man's balls referred to as dingleberries. Besides if we used the logic that just because the shit hangs there "dangling" they should be called dangleberries we might as well use the logic that just because an orange is an orange an apple should be a red or a banana a yellow.
Now GO STAND IN THE CORNER MORON!
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

I'm scannin' crap at the local Target. "Would you like to save an extra 5% on all that shit you just bought?"

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Go to the self service car wash and use the wand with the selector on the "de-dingleberry" setting. Then follow up with the hot wax if there is time.

OK, here's the straight dope. The word is dingleberry, for a very good reason. A dingle is a valley (see Thurber's short story "The Beast in the Dingle"), and our gluteal cleft (buttcrack) is also a valley (between our butt cheeks); so, a dingleberry is a little, often round, piece of poop rolled in toilet paper, stuck to our gluteal valley, or dingle. Dangleberry is a linguistic corruption such as often happens through the years. So don't be ashamed of saying dingleberry (buttcrack-berry), because actually it is correct.