I chose other because generally there is not splash (and I don't think I have long logs), and if there is a splash I do not relish it or hate it, it just happens. I know some friends who use the protective tp method though.

My missiles are purely for launching satellites. They make no splash.

Kim Jong-Il

Since my ass is so narrow, I just submerge my rear and launch torpedoes, no splash.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I assume you keep the "periscope" above the water?

Yep, dangling in the sink. In the other bathroom. Upstairs.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

I am either straining and sloww turds with no ploppage, or butt foam. I take pain meds for a pinched nerve so it's one or the other, but no spash. Actually I've never had that problem.

Just easing the turd slowly out is my best hope. Not a slam-dunk method by any means.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Prarie doggin - 나는 네가 어디에 거주하는 지를 알고 있습니다. 나는 당신의 개를 먹었습니다.

Backsplash is good. It lets you know that you`ve had a successful launch. Means you don`t accidentally stand up to find a couple of feet of turd dangling out of your bunghole.

I would think that if you had a dangler of massive proportions, you would know from the change in your center of balance. That is, unless your the Bilgemeister. I don't think anything could counter-balance that hose.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I'm into the whole Zen of shitting. If the turd must splash, then it splashes. The only time it's a problem is when I've pissed in the toilet before airing of the turd.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

The whole process is over in either: one blast plus backsplash, or a rapid continual outage smoothly entering the bowl. Problem is, I'm never quite sure which it's going to be, so no time for special plans.

Only on very rare occasions would I experience backsplash. None of them within recent memory. Not all of my poops are long though so the lack of backsplash is not entirely due to that. I think it is because most of my butt nuggets are slow launched, dropped like bombs, not rocket propelled like missles. And when I have diarreah, it is butt pee or ass foam. In those shituations backsplash would be a welcome relief as it would help wash the mess.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

I only worry about splash back on public toilets. To avoid such a problem as the missile is launched I jump up from the toilet and run out of the stall screaming Take cover! Then I dive, pants around my ankles, out the main bathroom door. So then I have successfully avoided splash back once again.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

I've never tried guiding my turds to avoid splashing (I rarely splash anyhow, unless I'm dropping it from a hover); I have, however, tried to make them land so they show their full length. At one time I was fairly successful in sitting as far forward on the seat as possible, pushing the missile just to the launchpad, then pushing suddenly and hard to send it to maximum length as quickly as possible. Sometimes, yes, nice length; other times, a splat pile right under the front of the seat. A couple of days ago I tried something new: Begin letting out the turd near the back of the seat, then move forward as it emerges. A bit labor-intensive, but I did get a nice 10" length that time. I may try it again.

Kim Jong Il.....I hate to tell you this but Mr. Doggin's dog that you ate was poisoned with a slow acting chemical so I must tell you;
당신은 끔찍하게 죽을 것이다

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Shit Chief, he gave me a drumstick.

Oh my God PD you need an immediate anecdote so her goes; when I was just a small lad I had a dog named Brownie.......oh.......wait a minute..I think what you really need is an antidote, haha...my mistake. Can I have all your leftover gin?

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Not a problem for me. Mine are long enough so that the head of the snake is usually in the water before the tail has come all the way out.

Chief, I think I've just identified the culprit who left that monster anaconda in the staff bathroom here at DTU.

Postman......You are a valued employee but, consider this as a warning.

br>_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Oops, my bad. I coulda swore I flushed that thing.

Chief, Dr. Brady Barr has arrived along with a contingent of snake experts from Venezuela. He said they will all pounce on that monster at once and try to wrestle it out of the swamp. He wants you to pitch in and throw a towel over it's head. I would do it, but I've got a....uh uh bone in my knee. Yeah a bone.

All of y'all are so funny that I had to Great Comment one after the other but only 2 made the cut. One was already Greated so I my mod wasn't needed. Lol Lol LOl.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

EXCUSE ME!!! That was my log and I don't apppreciate Postman taking my credit. I was there dropping off my undies that Posty left hanging on my tree!
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I voted other because I guided with tp and with hand covered with tp. The most convenient backsplash preventer is the public toilet seat tissue cover. My little brown smurf lands gently and doesn't rip through the paper unless its a Poopa smurf
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I can't stand the toilet seat protectors. It seems that no matter how much I wipe the seat the protector STILL ends up wet when I put it on the seat. Plus it sticks to me ass and makes it difficult to wipe. Aargh!! It irritates me just thinking about it. Does anyone else have this problem?
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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Ahh there nine incher, when you get around as much as me, you learn a few tricks. After placing the parchment paper on the seat, generously spray your ass with Pam non-stick EVOO spray and then dust with flour (don't use self-rising flour for obvious reasons). That should solve your problem in a jiff. Tee hee hee.

Rachael Ray

PD........I would be only to happy to help Dr Barr but I unfortunately am suffering from a..
er...uh..ah...I'll let you know as soon as the Doc gives me a diagnosis.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

The only times I have any splash problems is when I have the forceful diarrhea. You know the type: as soon as cheek hits seat, a gallon of semi-liquid paste with chunks of solid turds mixed in comes flying out. Sometimes propelled by a fart that adds to the explosive power. Wham! Splat! Dribble....Drip...
Oh great, now I've got poopy water dripping off of my nutsack and peckerhead. I'll bet the bottom of the seat is a disaster too!

Back to the topic at hand: long solid poops generally don't splash much at all. Either they are long enough to make it to waterline before the final pinch-off or my toilet is shallower bowl-wise measuring from seat to water.

[knock, knock] Excuse me ma'am, I need to measure your toilet bowl depth, it'll only take a moment and I will be out of your way! Oh God! Who let the moose use the toilet? Ma'am do you have a pet moose, or possibly a polar bear?
----Captain Craptastic!!!

Best comment thread in a long time! This is the kind of stuff I missed when I was gone.

Anyway, I am with the Captain on the pyro-ass-tic flows causing the most tsumanis. (And lahars if you don't watch it.) I've never really thought of ways to stop the splashage, though when I was a little kid my mother always told me about the TP method. Never worked for me, but she tried.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

I had to go with the 'thanks for the idea'. Although I consider myself shameless, I prefer to go at home, where I don't care about splashing. If I suspect a splash in a public crapper, I usually just dodge it by standing up. I have, however had the occasional misfortune of being splashed in a public shitter. In that case I shower as soon as I get home. I didn't realize that splashing was such a wide spread problem, thanks for the suggestions.

unless im at work and the restroom is full, then I like it to be silent

Frankly, a wet bottom isn't usually an issue for me. My turds are like brown-clad ninjas. They slip out silently, glide down through the air, and slide into the water with nary a splash or sound.

In fact, my poops are so stealthy that I often have ghost shits, which never ceases to infuriate me when I know I've dropped a huge log and want to admire my work. Does anyone else have this problem?

Run silent, run deep.

I prefer be loud, be proud.
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

TSV? Was that you? You're back? Where have you been? You never called, you never wrote. We were all so sad!!

Anyway, I never really have the backsplash problem as I mentioned. However, I find it strange that in one poop session my poop consistancy changes. It starts with the long, firm, round logs. Then a few minutes pass, then come a series of small, softer nuggets, then a few minutes pass, then comes toothpaste. It feels like my body is rolling up the tube and squeezing every last bit out.

Between phases there is often a bit of cramping too. Please note that this isn't every poop. But it occurs at least once or twice a week and total poop duration is upwards of 15 minutes.

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Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

While stationed in Japan with the military I studied the ancient martial art known as "Dung Foo". My instructor was a 5th degree black log by the name of Wan Hung Low. Sensei Low taught me the technique of setting my O-ring to different sizes mid poo thus changing the diameter of different portions of the same poo.
I never have splash back because I start with a small diameter turd and gradually increase the girth until reaching mid-turd at which time I start tapering down so the completed turd glides effortlessly into the bowl. They very closely resemble the wing tanks on an F-89 Scorpion.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How often do you have to change your O ring gasket? Every 60,000 inches? So graphic Chief. I loved as gross as it made me feel out.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Chief, is it poisoous for humans to eat freshly picked young bamboo shoots, like the Panda?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Freshly picked and properly prepared bamboo shoots are the only ones eaten in Japan. They are delicious and very low calorie.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Properly prepared means what? You can't just pick it and munch down.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I'm guessing marinate them and cook them on the grill next to your T-bone. Low calorie and high fiber will help counter the fat and cholesterol in the steak.

Bamboo shoots need to be peeled and soaked. Boiling takes all the crispiness out of them (canned chow mein, for example), good shoots have a crunch, sort of like water chestnuts (one of my faves)

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

SP, try canned hearts of palm. They are from the core of baby palm trees and are very tasty and tender. Very similar to bamboo. You should be able to find them in Nawlins.

sittingpretty.....If you have fresh bamboo shoots here is how they are prepared; Fresh bamboo shoots (takenoko) are harvested around March to May, and they are a great spring delicacy in Japan. Fresh takenoko become bitter and tough, so they need to be precooked. Here are instructions on how to precook them.

Wash harvested shoots.
Cut out diagonally the top edge of takenoko and remove bumps on the bottom edge.
Make a straight cut on leaves from the top to the bottom.
Put takenoko in a large pot and pour enough water to cover the takenoko.
Add about 1 cup of nuka (rice bran) and a couple of togarashi (red pepper).
Put on high heat and bring to a boil.
Turn down the heat to low and simmer for about one hour or until takenoko are softened. Turn off the heat.
Let it cool in room temperature. Do not drain yet.
When it cools, drain takenoko and wash them.
Remove leaves and wash takanoko well. Cut them into some chunks.
Boiled bamboo shoots can be kept in water in the refrigerator for a week. Change water daily.

One of the more common ways to finish cooking the shoots is to simmer them in dashi (fish stock) with a little soy sauce and sugar......
delicious.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, you need to have your own show on The Food Network.

i have bamboo growing in my little courtyard. i saw these new spikes growing out the ground saturday. It looked so fresh.I peeled it and started to eat it then canceled for fear of poisoning myself. i cant cook.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Chef Thuderbutt, Gallopooping Gourmet!

BAM!

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bless his heart. chief spent alot of time on that bamboo recipe and all i want to do is eat it raw out of the ground peeled.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

some varieties of bamboo contain cyanide, its best to cook it, steam it, boil it, something, to get that stuff out.

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

We eat a lot of foods that can be poisonous under certain conditions. In a food pinch the peas that are contained in the pods of the sweet pea flower are high protein and nutritious, if you continue eating them for an extended period the accumulative poison they contain will kill you. The same with the green portion of the rhubarb plant, accumulative poison, this was discovered the hard way during WW-1 when they were fed to soldiers.

Good old southern poke salad (or salat) is OK if you only eat the green leaves, the red stems and the roots are poisonous. The green peels, eyes and sprouts of the noble spud will do you in if you eat enough of them. Fortunately it takes a rather heavy dose to be lethal.

Ever swallow a seed or two when eating an apple? They contain cyanide but you would have to eat a lot of them to suffer any bad effects. I am a cheap bastard and usually eat the apple core also and I am still kicking, for the time being at least. The seed of the pickled Japanese umiboshi plum also contains cyanide but in small amounts, I always crack them open and eat the center which tastes like an almond (probably because of the cyanide).

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chef, are you tempting fate or making yourself grow antibodies so that you will live longer?
Hmm....an interesting theory for DTI perhaps?

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bran Lover....I plan on developing immunity to poisons and electricity so I can pursue a life of crime with impunity.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Forget it Chief, they can always put you to death with Michael Bolton music.

or worse Yanni
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Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Chief is so smart. He knows everything. I notice apple seeds taste like almond too. Maybe one day I will boil the bamboo to see if i like it. Im not going to poison myself with cyanide. i usually dont use the stove because i often boil the water out of the pot and the pot jumps off the stove and skips along the kitchen floor. i am running out of pots because i ruin them that way. My mom won't let me have a propane barbie q pit because she thinks i will blow up myself and my neighbors. I don't understand why i can do something as hard as dialysis but i can't manage a kitchen or a household for that matter.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SP That is indeed worrying. I Thank God my kidneys are in good order..... and I'm in the UK! :-}

PD.....I always liked Michael Bolton because that strained quality his voice has sounds like he is taking a dump and singing at the same time.

sittingpretty......if you live near an Asian market they have had a bamboo shoot product for a few years that I really like. The shoots are in a cryovac package that must be kept under refrigeration. The taste is far superior to the canned ones. Their is another product available in Asian markets that is delicious, the shoots are prepared with oil and chilies and packed in a glass jar that must be refrigerated after opening. They are not real hot and they make a wonderful side dish with an Asian meal.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, i have seen an asian market not far from where i work. i might have to check it out. i will tell them Chief Thunderbutt of poopreport sent me.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I hear that fried cat is delectable there.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Now Brannie, i wouldnt tell you they have fried child there and its fingerlicking good. I love my cat.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

So SP, how do you love your cat then? Steamed? Boiled? Sauteed? I wouldn't recommend any of Bilge's cats no matter how much you cook them.

Why not? They come pre-basted!!!

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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

PD! hahahaha ha i love my cat alive and well. not rare or well done.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Besides, I'm not good at cooking meat anyway. My sister gave me a bad rep and told everybody I cook dogfood. I can open a jar of bamboo shoots but I'm not so good at putting it back in th frig. Hey Chief, can I just eat the jar of shoots? I mean can the shoots be my main dish. Is it good by itself? And Spat you are not the only one that thinks that. I can tell you that my two sickest patients were in the hospital more than they were in clinic befor I took over the clinic and in one month I have kept them out ouut the hospital. The sickest one spent 27 days each month inthe hospital before I came along. Now he is standing and bearing wt and pivoting. AND HE has stayed out of the hospital for a whole month so far. And that is just a tiny bit of what I've done for these people. Now isn't that more important that I do that well than it is that I don't do the other well?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SP......The prepared shoots are good with rice. Tonight Mrs T-butt and myself had sauteed bamboo shoots, cabbage and onions on brown rice for our evening meal.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Cabbage and onions Chief? I assume the second course will be some sort of flambe?

Prebasted in what, Bilgenberger.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

I can cook rice. I've never cooked cabbage. rice and shoots sounds good. I have brown rice basmati rice short grain rice uncle bens rice jasmine rice. Yep! I can cook rice! Thanks Chief. Finally there is something I can do with shoots.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Oh and I have onions!

I once had a cat. I never make fun of cats. (Cept when they poop plastic easter grass.) I was just tellin ya that the asian market had CAT. I heard that it tasted good. I didn't say I et none!!! I dint ever GO there!!!!

(Heard it tasted like chicken though.)

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Lol Brannie, lol. I heard they sell chilren at the latin grocery and it taste loik shii ott.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

first i stand up, and when the poop comes i sit down.

Huh?
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

SP, don't be confused by that AC post. It's actually prison code. It's a recipe for tossed salad.

Yeah, okay. I don't get it. Again.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

The AC is sew brighte that it hurts my I's.

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Ha ha Braannie, corny but cute.
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...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Hey Bran Lover,
I let my poo land on the porcelain and then it slopes gently into the water, which creates big skidmarks, but it prevents backsplash and plopping noises. After flushing the toilet I use bleach to dissolve the skidmarks.

Ahh, the ole shameful skidmark tactic. Ya outta at least leave the trail for others to behold if you are too shy to make noises!

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To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Just scoot forward on the seat. You might get some splash, but it'll be a lot less than usual.

I now understand what the letters "BM" mean in the term ICBM.

Only the Eskimos have ICBMs; I learned that from a girl I knew in college, 45 years ago or more. In my own case, while pooping I rarely make enough noise to worry about, so I don't worry. Even if I did make some farts & plunks, since I'm shameless, it doesn't matter.