Surely many people presented with this topic would just say call it gross or disgusting, and not give it another thought. I however, enjoy hearing about weird things done with poop, and anxiously anticipate new and exciting stories from PoopReport.

But hearing about it is where it stops. I certainly wouldn't want to be in a bathroom that someone just sprayed ass juice all over. Seeing just a small splatter of diarrhea on a pubic toilet turns my stomach, especially if I am at a restaurant. And the smell of shit in a public toilet grosses me out even more than the sight of crap. Can you even imagine what the bedroom of a couple of scat freaks rolling around naked in a bed of crap is like?

Like most teenagers, I pulled pranks with shit and urine when I was younger. But it always had to do with revenge. The old fart across the street confiscated our Frisbee when it landed on his front lawn... we later put a turd on his front porch. The assholes next door let their dog out at 6 A.M. on a Sunday to bark for an hour... turd in mailbox. And so on. But purposely using shit to destroy a public place for no reason is wrong. An innocent person gets stuck cleaning it up.

I am almost 40 years old; but being a PoopReporter and having shit always on my mind gives me some odd ideas. I have not used poop as a weapon of revenge for well over 20 years. Still...

In my neighborhood there is a little corner store. For years I went to this store several times a week to buy beer, lottery tickets, bread, milk, etc. I was a good regular customer. One day about eight months ago I had no cash on me, so I went to the ATM machine to withdraw $100. Five $20 bills. I went to the little corner store to cash in a $10 winning lottery ticket and buy $22 worth of new tickets. I also bought a loaf of bread and donuts for my daughter. The store was crowded, and the owner of the store got confused.

I handed him my winning ticket and paid for the new tickets with a $20 bill as he rung up my food on a different register. I still had $8 change coming from the lottery, but he claimed I had only given him a $10. I told him I didn't have any $10's when I walked in, but he didn't believe me. So I told him to stick it up his ass and I would never come in his store again. For a measly $8, I told him, he just lost a good regular customer.

I have never been back and I forbade my family and friends to ever go in there. But being the freak that I am, eight months later this still bothers me. It's not the $10 -- it's the fact that I am right and yet he won the fight.

For weeks after that incident, I plotted revenge. Of course, many plots involved poo being placed in his store. But I have yet to do anything -- my biggest fear is his security cameras, and getting caught on tape planting a turd bomb. I would like to do something with poop that would harm his business, but not hurt an innocent customer. I wonder...

There is a 99.9% chance that I will never go through with it. I am a grown man, for Christ's Sake.