Millions of subway riders agree, loud and proud is a great way to get knocked onto the tracks accidentally. At least way until the train comes rumbling by._______Yo quiero Taco Bell.
I had to select other, I think I would have to laugh. If it was a real stinker my laughter would increase.
_______Eat chilies and feel the burn!!
i would blame it on my sassy bagle :)
I did this once in fourth grade. I sneezed and farted the loudest fart in all the world's history. The teacher was reading from some book. She kept going, but I think the American flag across the room fluttered. My butt cheek chorus echoed back and forth across the cinderblock classroom. I could have remained anonymous. I could have thought to look around to incriminate some gross guy with cooties. I could have.
Instead, I immediately slumped in the desk entrenching my plea of "guilty" beyond repair. If the slump didn't give it away, the blazing red hot blush across my face sealed it in.
Noone laughed at me to my face. Noone talked about it that I know of. Maybe the slump saved me. Maybe they thought the fart noise was really from the slump, from my skin scraping across the seat of the desk.
I doubt it, but it was worth a try. (Even if the try was on accident.)_______To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.
as long as it was only "fumes" you are ok....now if you blow chunks, you walk away quickly as though you were radioactive.
In 7th grade I farted briefly and then tried vainly to deny it. I would have gained more respect, I think, by saying, "Yes, I did it; and there's more where that came from!"
In Mark Twain's short story "1601" Sir Walter Ralegh (as he spelled it) lets a brief fart while in the presence of Queen Elizabeth and numerous courtiers, and the Queen makes inquiry of each person as to the source of the fart. Finally she gets to Raleigh (as we spell it), and he admits authorship, apologizes for having "fathered wuch a weakling", and "delivered he himself of such a blast" as shook the palace.
I voted other,I agree with Chief I think i would have to laugh to much.
Henry the man ... I was going to make fun of you for misspelling beagle but luckily I looked it up first and discovered that a bagle hound is a beagle/basset cross. My second guess was going to be that you had misspelled bagel but I just couldn't imagine that eating bagels would cause flatulence, unless you spread them with garlic and sauerkraut ... yummy!
Yet another example of Chief-O-Stomach. Blegh!!! _______To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.
Well, I'm a dummy. I thought by bagle he was referring to his sassy ring piece. (which by the way, if it looked like a bagel, I would imagine it would sound like a tuba)
By the way, if I come up with a poll, I usually don't reply right away as I have an unfair headstart on ideas.
If I happened to slide my ass on a seat in a public place and it made a farting sound, I would just get up, turn around and sniff the seat. I would then proceed to announce to the crowd that, as I suspected, it was not a real fart. If I was at the DMV, that would definitely move me up in the line a bit.
I would laugh, too. Farts are funny.
Shitting your pants, however, is not funny.
_______.....hugging bunnies since 1969 www.daphneszoo.com
PD, I will be looking over my shoulder for you, because you are obviously spying on me. :-)
I DID fart at the DMV this week! It was one of those seat slappers that is unmistakable. I blamed it on my friend in the next seat, who got a distasteful glare from the college-aged girl sitting behind us. My cowardice lost me three points in the daily fart contest.
Of course I made up for it with the large, hot gas cloud in Fred Meyer, which caused the old lady behind me to flee in a hurry.
My wife farted a silent, but extremely deadly smelling gasser in Big Lots. I walked into the cloud and promptly started gagging and complaining loudly. I thought it was the Mexican lady that just left the aisle. Needless, to say I cut up so much that my wife didn't admit to the attack till we were in the car and on the way home.
I had to go to the gyno two days ago for a lump near my hmm hmm. It turns out its a varicosity. But while I was waiting to be seen I farted loudly and it smelled like what I ate the night before. I was waving the smell away when the NP walked in. I know she had to smell it. Then she left and don't you know I farted again and she walked into it again. I preteneded nothing happened but I know she had to smell it again. Thank God I didn't have to fart when she and the doctor had their faces near my hhm hhm._______...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17
I just farted so good & MY wife didn't hear it & when she did smell it she puked all over the rug
If I'm alone, I act like nothing happened. If others are with me, I look at them, nod at the chair and either grin or laugh (depending on their reaction).
No she didn't.
If it were a chair, I'd keep moving around so it's obvious it was a chair noise. If it was an actual fart, well, I'd do the same...
I selected "Other" since I would grin and give a satisfied sigh of relief! Most of the human parasites at the DMV would have their miserable lives improved by being farted on. I try to handle as much DMV business on-line or at the AAA office to avoid this cesspool.
As I have told a few coworkers: ALWAYS MAKE THE MOST OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO FART IN THE ELEVATOR! Bonus points awarded if not alone and brave enough to let go an audible! Please refrain if prone to SHARTS!
----Captain Craptastic!!!
Addendum:
Also, TRY TO GET MORE INSECTS IN YOUR DIET. CHANGES THE DEPTH AND CHARACTER OF THE FARTS! Glad to be of service with helpful suggestions to improve your quality of life, that's what nursing is all about!
I teach, and my best teaching shoes occasionally make a slight farting noise, which my students heard. Once, as I turned from the whiteboard, the noise came; a few students tittered, so I said, "Aha! You thought I had committed an indiscretion, eh?" and made the noise again with my shoe. End of story.
A few months back I lived in my truck and would have the worst smelling shits (farts - military speak) that I later found out were due to my being lactose intolerant. Anywho, a month ago, I parked my truck at work in a way that it would more than likely have to get moved and so my supervisor got my keys and moved my truck. Apparently I had gotten used to the smell so it didn't affect me, my super on the other hand lost his entire dinner after getting out of the truck. What I didn't know was that the smell ingrained itself into my entire interior.
String cheese: $2 Jug o Milk: $3 Estimate for detailing the shit out of my truck: (Priceless?) over $3500
Sometimes it actually surprises me when I'm in the company of a nice male friend who admits to like spending time with me, but then lets out huge ass farts. It's the people I'm not dating but are friends with that I would never fart around, only because I don't love them enough. So what does this mean when a guy will rip ass next to me? He's wayyyy too comfortable. That's what.
_______Remember, even hot chicks poop and fart.
There is a new German Site with Fart Videos and Sounds (Furz Töne) in German Language.Choose "Furz Töne" and there you can listen to the Sound of Fart.Watch this: http://www.darmgas.de/
Wunderbar! Danke German Krout! Wilkommen!_______To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.
I always wanted to learn how to fart in another language. I hear farting in Japanese is very difficult. I was hoping Chief could help me, but he says his wife doesn't fart.
I chose "Other" because I would pat my fat belly and ask the closest person if they enjoyed it. I would then fart for real.
while it is slightly unclear as to who makes the fart sound (me or the seat) I would claim it anyway, grinning & nodding at anyone that cared to glance in my direction, whilst offering out a pinkie for anyone to pull _______Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!
_______German Kraut Maybe we can make a fart Contest.Tell us your Fart Sound .Go to http://www.darmgas.de/ ,go on "FURZ TÖNE"(Fart Sounds), and tell what sounds comes out of your Ass.The way to record your Fart by your own, and send it via E-Mail (mp3) is not profitable.There are 81 different Sounds of FARTS.I think you will find your personal one.What of this 81 Sounds is your favorite,and what does come out of your Ass (in the morning after a big Party and a lot of Beers) ???? I´m cirious and waiting for your answers .
I sit there and look around the room with a large shit eating grin on my face.
This is a kind of deja vu situation for me. A few weeks ago I was in a Tunisian shuttle train, in Tunis, the capital: it was crammed with commuters, students and pickpocket scumbags taking advantage.
I`d eaten an enormous amount of veg with my dinner the night before and let a most horrendously long, but luckily silent, fart out among the bodily crush of the space I was in between the carriages.
Pickpockets disappeared in a calamitous rush for the doors.
I should have been claimed a hero!
Normally I would recommend carrying your wallet in a front pocket where you were Tbox, but in your case, I'm sure the back pocket was more secure.
I'd laugh meniacally while fanning the air and gagging, even if it wasn't a stinker. I like having lots of space between myself and others in public places like that, and a good old fashioned triple flutterblast is a surefire way to make it happen. _______Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!
Those damn ducks!
Actually, I would do my best to repeat the noise by moving on my seat in an exaggerated manner so that others could see that is was only a vulgar chair noise and not not the escape of noxious fumes from my bum. _______Do I smell chili?
I try to make the sound again as if to say "Look it wasn't me...It was the chair...*fart* see!
AC, it was you, you disgusting pig. How would you like a square, splintery leg up your ass?
The chair
I gotta say, I'm so shameless, if I ripped one, I'd go about my business as usual. and if I had to fart again, I would!
_______"You will spray oil when you fart. You will have diarrhea. You will be shitting constantly and you will lose control of your bowels." - Mr. Angry on alli
I applause myself and tell all Guy´s who look at me: "I like the smell of a Fart in the morning,come here and take a Nose full of my personal taste of Poo ,you realy enjoy this like your first Coca Cola"
I try to make the sound again when people look over at me so they know it wasn't a fart.
If the line is short, you hang in there. If the line is long, you leave and come back later AFTER the air has cleared.
I couldn't help but laugh. Daddy taught me :)
I usually do it so loud that everyone hears it and I end up falling down laughing sometimes. It's pretty hard to put blame on anyone else so my excuse is I laugh before anyone else does. It usually works ^.^
Hopefully i would have someone with me so i could smack their arm shout u r disgusting i told u not to eat that then stomp out in a huff. Yeah that is mean. Depending on the person nxt 2 me i may pretend nothing happened. Of course if it were hubby he probly did fart.
I would say, "Oops; please excuse me, sorry y'all gotta put up with me in addition to the people at the DMV."
I would quickly try to make another noise that sounds like a fart, such as moving my shoe along the ground or moving the chair. Something to make people think that the noise was made by something other than my fart.
Well, I'd move around in the seat to see if the noise would happen again, but it usually doesn't...so I voted for "acting like I did fart, and saying 'excuse me'". Nobody ever believes you anyway when you blurt out "It was the chair!"
Whether it was the chair or not, the fact is this; everyone farts. Sometimes it stinks, sometimes it doesn't. Some people get embarrassed or disgusted, some people think it's hilarious. I just laugh about it, say "excuse me", blush a bit, and move on. Just for the record...I'm usually the first person to break into giggles if somebody rips one!
I selected other. Reason? I would hold my hand up in the air for the person next to me. He/She'd give me a high five and congratulate me on an anal biscuit well baked.
Shift in the chair more, recreating the sound enough times that if it were really a fart, it would be absurd, lending everyone and their ears to the notion that it wasn't a fart, after all.
realist ... And if the sound is not recreated, what then?
i would crack up, then keep fartin it up
AC ... You need to go back and read the original poll, your seat has made a "farting sound", there is no actual fart.
I would claim it as my own and grin like the asshole I am, then seek out the nearest old lady or small child and let one go near them.
JagerStein ... You sissy, a real man would fart in the bearded faces of a group of tattooed Hell's Angels.
I would stand up and announce that I just farted, and proceed to walk around the room with my fumes following me. Maybe a few more would join me!!!!!
Have some of Dave's Mega Death Sauce - then you could really have something to claim!!!
in general men eat more red meat than women which is why they suffer from colon cancer more often. (its also why women are more sensitive to the cold a lack of iron in their diet) But its not just your daily intake that is making your meat eating poops stink so bad. High protein low fiber diets cause the poo to literally stick to the sides of your colon for weeks months or years. So that horribly stinky poo you made today is partly being scented by that double cheeseburger you had last month.
Recipe for quick stinkless poops: 20g of insoluble fiber each day. no red meat (once a weeks is ok) fish or chicken for dinner with veggies snack on fruit and nuts all day instead of having lunch egg whites for breakfast with a small bowl of high fiber cereal
AC, in the interest of fairness, could you publish the recipe for quick stinky poops.
If u act like u didnt do it, so should everyonelse!
Make an announcement, as loudly as possible: "DAMN, that was a good one!" or "Ah, that feels much better."
prarie doggin, the recipe for quick stinky poops is 1/2 of a box of raisins over the course of a morning. By mid afternoon you should be starting, and by nightfall your spouse will not let you anywhere near the bed.
I had this happen. It was a sticky hot day and my leg stuck to the seat. I moved and made a ripping fart sound. Everyone knew it was the chair, so I said loudly "Why is it that something that feels so good has to smell so bad!?!" I couldn't help it.
I would jump up and act like the noise came from the lady at the front desk and yell," Ughhhhhhh! You old hag! I don't want my driver's license from you! You're an old fart in a woman's clothes!". And then I would run out of the place with my head in my hands, screaming for a gas mask.
I bet you wouldn't!!!!
My wife is a gorgeous women, and all ways dresses sexy, even when we go grocery shopping. I get a kick when she stops to read a label and i let out a silent gag me bomb, i walk to the end of the isle and watch the people as they smell then look at her !! She gets really pissed off.
Dear Puppy,
Please come see me soon. You obviously are suffering from drastic insecurities due to the fact that your wife is a stone-cold hottie and you are a shit-stinking gas bag.
I suggest that you either start sniffing Beano or marry someone in your social demographic. Is your sister available?
Ziggy, you may be right but I need some more time to study this guy. Things don't add up.
Charlie Darwin
I would give a sigh of relife.
Poll
Oh no! You wipe your ass and you get poo on your hand.... What do you do?
* Smell it * Take a little taste * Wipe it off like it never happened * Wash hands over and over * Ignore it completely German Kraut, visit: http://shitlogger.com
Well, I would have a small packet or two of apple butter (sick brown color) squirt it on my leg so a little bit runs down and stand up and say "Shit, not again" and run to the bathroom cupping my glorious poop shoot!!!
Usually when this happens to me, I turn bright red and try to appear like I'm really uncomfortable or embarrassed. When I get up I attempt with success to squeeze out another musical "toot" and then proceed to do one counterclockwise spin and go about my business as if nothing happened.
I fart and the 3 poeple next to me drop dead!!! So do I... Is that normal...
Yes AC .. that is perfectly normal, your ability to post comments after death and your apparent IQ of 50 or below are also quite normal.
i would try to get the chair to make the noise again!
I would immediately go wide eyed but cross my eyes and yell "which onna yuse stole my banjo".
I voted "other." I'd probably make the sound again and again so that everyone would know it was the chair and not me farting.
"other" Try to replicate the sound.
I would do the same thing I do when I'm actually baking brownies in public: Look around like I've been startled and ask "What the hell was that?!"
Blame shifting Butt Dragon? I like that. Are you from NJ too?
OK, I'm sitting in a public place, in a chair that makes farting noises... After the first instance, I'd most likely put on a mock shocked look, and say to the rest of the people "Hey! This chair makes farting noises!" Then ask a few other people if their chairs do the same. Good chance that most people will avoid even making eye contact after that. *Grubby thought- if I could find a way to discreetly vent the colostomy bag, I could add "Hey, this chair even SMELLS like a fart!"_______The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.
BM, knowing you, I'm surprised you haven't installed a vent valve for use in subways, elevators and long checkout lines.
I have a vent valve that I use in subways, elevators, long checkout lines, and even fine dining establishments. I call it an asshole. If I wore a colostomy bag I would insist on the same capability.
I would likely blame the "fart" on the person in the seat beside me, and offer a hearty, "Good one, buddy..."
I would act like it wasn't me, and like i didn't hear anything or know anything. Our expression is what gives us away. I have farted right in front of people and act like I didn't do anything. I will sit in a chair and turn my head and raise my butt up a little and blow off a couple of good farts like it ain't nothing.
i would then pee. after i shit i always pee. if i peed my pants then everybody would assume i shit and not farted. i dont want people to think i farted. that would be rude.
I had my gallbladder remove this past Thursday and after reading the after effects with my diet I am concerned. Can you tell me what will help me most of all.
Don't eat or shit again.
AC, it wuold have helped you not to eat so much fat before the gall bladder had to be removed. Now that you had the pay the price of gall bladder death, you probably ought to wake up and eat a healthier diet from now on. Your liver is next. Or is it the kidneys? I dunno, one of those useless organs we abuse but don't think about until it malfunctions. _______To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.
It wuold also help me if I didn't have dyslexia. Chief, don't hit me with the typewriter key too many times!_______To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.
Other...I'd most likely be like, "Whoops!"
_______I'd rather be pooping...
Poop Force 5, "Whoops" is usually reserved for shitting ones pants at the DMV. Farting is so common place there that rarely is such a strong expletive necessary, unless the people immediately around fall to the floor dead. I'm assuming you don't drive yet.
I would admit it and say: "Fucking Hell, it doesn't just smell like a fart, it smells like there's an acutal, full on, real live shit in the room"
I just say better out than in! I am a lady that burps and farts and dont care who hears or smells it!!
Wow this site cracks me up! I haven't laughed this hard in years! Thank you poop report!
I generally just laugh. When one takes things on a humorous level, everything is forgiven.
Except murder.
I would act as though nothing had happened and start brewing up a real nerve-gas fart. Wouldn't want to disappoint anyone and I hate lines.
Well.... I would most likely try to duplicate the sound with my mouth and pretend like aim beatboxing. If the person believes it or at least tries then I just go along with it and if the person does not i start laughing and potentially walk away.
THIS POLL HAS BEEN UP FOR A LOOOOOONG TIME! ABOUT AS LONG AS THE LAST POOP I LAID OUT IN THE WOODS [here's the technique: straddle a fallen tree and scoot forward as the poop emerges so it gets lain along the top in a continuous piece!] ANY IDEAS OUT THERE FOR A NEW POLL QUESTION? ----Captain Craptastic!!!
Look around as if someone else did it then shrug your shoulders.
I'd try not to bust out laughing!!
This would happen to me in grade school quite often. You go to slide your chair out and it makes an embarrassing fart noise. At this point, everyone looks over. I found the best thing to do is slide your chair back in to try to replicate the same fart sound. Most people will then see it was in fact the chair and not your anus. This same tactic can also be employed to cover up real farts.
I usually laugh when an accidental boofer happens. When a youngster, sitting on a wooden pew during Catholic mass, many a "one cheek sneak" would occur: that's the stratigically lifting of the ass cheek to expel without notice. It only worked a few times, for usually, if many farts were to be had, it became a funny game until my mother would ask me to excuse myself to the back of the church so to save more embarrasment for the family (i think another story is in the making)...The DMV is a cesspool of anomynity and loudness. so it's fair game.
I would, and do, laugh. Farting is funny and if the people around you are to stuck up to know that then I hope they shit their pants on the way home. Stuck up assholes._______Earth, insane asylum for the universe.
I would look around for the first person looking my way nod and say "Sounds much better since I had it worked on.".
I'm a very sneaky person. I'd let out a thick juicy small sbd that travels at the speed of a snail but hits with the wave of a typhoon, wait ten seconds for it to vent out of my pants and then leave.
Silent and takes time to spread while your gone; no one knows it was me. It's great, and worth losing my place in line.
I think I would laugh it off and make small talk with whoever heard it.
