Al Bundy's Ferguson

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PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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The love between a man and his favorite commode is nothing short of kismet. Searching throughout modern and ancient history, toilet love is fairly evident. But the greatest love a man has ever shown his crapper was the love between Al "Crazy Legs" Bundy and his mighty Ferguson.

For those of you who have been living inside your own toilets, Al Bundy was the alpha male character in the great Fox sitcom Married... With Children. Al's total and utter despair in modern suburbia showed us all exactly what a truly miserable life would be like. His children were morons, his wife was a lazy, red-headed, nagging monster, and his neighbor was a maniacal lesbian. When he left his shitty castle, he went to his shitty job selling shoes to fat women.

Al: When I was growing up, I had two dreams. One was being an astronaut and landing on the planet Jane Mansfield. The other was having a bathroom all to myself. Well, Daddy got blown off course and had to crash on a much darker planet. (Al touches Peggy's head.) But family, I'm going to realize my second dream. I'm going to build a bathroom -- the greatest bathroom in the world. And I want you to know something, all of you -- NOBODY USES THAT BATHROOM BUT ME.


Yes, a truly miserable life was his. His only escapes were watching his favorite TV show Psycho Dad, holding council with his men's club NO MA'AM, and driving in his beloved car, the mighty Dodge. But mightier than all those joys in Al's life was his love for his Ferguson.

Al: When I was a boy I told myself when I grew up I would have one thing. A toilet bowl like my dad had.

Peggy: I thought it was a head like a peanut. He had one of those, too.

Al: you're not going to ruin my moment, Peg. Now stand back and feast your eyes on... this!



Kelly: is it just me, or is that a toilet?

Al: Not just a toilet... a FERGUSON. The King of bowls!

Rarely would you see Al ever happy in his life of hell. His only smiles came when he was watching TV and when he was entering his place of Zen: his bathroom. There was originally only one bathroom in the Bundy household. But in Season three, Al takes it upon himself to build himself the bathroom to end all bathrooms, replete with Ferguson. In typical Al Bundy style, it comes out as a cold, dark place. But in a future episode, when Peg remodels it into bright, vibrant colors, Al destroys it and rebuilds it using his symbol of manhood: his father's hammer.


Al: Bud, sit down. Let me tell you the story of the Ferguson. Now these babies were made in Maine, you know, at the little Ferguson factory. It's the Stradivarius of toilets. And my Dad could play it like a violin.

Yup, I'll never forget the time my dad took me to Maine to visit the factory. I had to go to the bathroom. And I begged him to pull into a truck stop. He said no, wait until we get there! It'll be worth it! It was!


How could a man survive such a horrid life? He could survive because his Ferguson got him through it. Whenever Al was feeling down, he would go one of two places: to rest upon his mighty Ferguson, or down to the local nudie bar. And, really, what else does a man need?

Bud: Excuse me, Dad, but a toilet is a toilet.

Al: (grimacing) Bud... the toilets today aren't worthy of the name! They come in designer colors... they're too low! When you flush them, they make this weak, almost apologetic sound. But not the Ferguson. It only comes in white. And when you flush it... BaaaWOOOSH! That's a man's flush, Bud. A Ferguson says, "I'm a toilet. Sit down and give me your best shot." Oh, if only a Ferguson could speak, the tales it would tell!




And now I've got one of my very own!

I just wish... Dad could be ali--- (Al breaks down)




Al: Oh look, Dad, I'm sitting on my own Ferguson! Just like you always knew I would!


The bathroom is a man's sanctuary, a place of rest. When life gives your lemons, you take a big shit. And that's exactly what Al did. After a bad day of selling women's shoes, he would retreat to his bathroom. After wrestling traffic to make it home to his ungrateful wife and kids, he would go and bond with his Ferguson.




Al: Daddy loves you!

Peggy: What does that toilet have that I don't?

Al: A job.

Al's bond with his toilet speaks volumes about our society. It wasn't an accident that Married... With Children was on the air for ten years. Writers base sitcoms on our lifestyles. How many of us can't wait to get home, not because we want to see our children or spouse, but because we want to sit down on the pot? After a long day of work and stress, the only place where we can let go and be stress-free is the bathroom. The bathroom is our Eden. For me, after dealing with all the bullshit of my job, nothing cleanses my head better then a good, hearty dump. I feel almost vindicated, like I finally accomplished something in the day. No matter how bad my day has been, getting home to my familiar Ferguson always takes the edge of. No more stress, no more people yelling, no more phone calls. Just peace, serenity, and my favorite magazine.


Kelly: Well. Daddy finally finished his bathroom. You know, the living room seems so much bigger without the Ferguson.

Peggy: Yeah... this must be quite a moment for your father. He's in there breaking in the Ferguson as we speak. Must be having fun... he's been in there for over an hour.

Al comes in.

Peggy: How was it, Al?

Al: (Sits down on the couch.) I don't know, Peg. I'm constipated.


Al: This is the worst day of my life. I wonder if this ever happened to Dad?

Peggy: You want me to undercook you some chicken, honey?

Al: No, but thanks anyway, Peg. It'll take something a lot stronger than raw chicken to get me fixed up.

Al turns on the TV.

Announcer: And now stay tuned for the rest of our exciting ABC lineup. Roseanne! Moonlighting! And the award-winning Thirtysomething.

Al nods, picks up a newspaper, puts it under his arm, and heads to the bathroom.


I'd like to hear from the rest of the poop community. Do you share a special bond with a certain toilet in your house? Do you go out of the way to make it home to shit? Do you feel like you're cheating on your toilet when you shit at the local gas station? Does your bathroom resemble Al Bundy's -- cold and dark, with a toilet that could suck down a whole turkey? Put down your seats, fellow PoopReporters, and stand atop your favorite toilet. Tell us about your Ferguson. Because everyone has a Ferguson. For some of us, our Ferguson is metaphorical, something we strive for. For some of us, like Al Bundy, bless his tortured soul, our Ferguson is all that we have.

sfx: BaaaWOOOSH!


Al: Now that's a MAN'S flush!

-- Pill Pooper

All screenshots and script excerpts copyright Sony. Buy this episode!

83 Comments on "Al Bundy's Ferguson"

Sib's picture
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Funny article. I too feel al's pain. today's toilets are worth a shit. i am having a house built and the only things i can get are those crappy 1.6 gal\flush. My friend made a trip to canada and picked up (3) 3.5 gal\flush throwns worthy of planting my ass on. Those california hippy bastards that got working toilets banned can suck my nuts.

General Colon Pow!'s picture
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Great article! My favorite terlit was the one in my apartment when I lived in NYC- it was a pressurized monster that could suck down a human body if it had to. The only terlit that I never overflowed! (Didn't even come close!)

No other toilets have ever built a rapport with me- all the rest were just holes into which I shit....and all the rest overflow frequently.

As a memorial to this momentous article, I will go defecate on my Ferguson. (Do keep in mind, that my Ferguson is a tractor....)

Shit monster's picture
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I want the 5 minutes of my life back that I spent reading this

ThreePly's picture
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Ha Ha! Great article Pill Pooper. I had my own Ferguson back at mom and dad's house. We had four bathrooms in all, and it was bliss. There was never a case of one person holding up everyone else's defecations. My Ferguson was in the basement underneath the staircase, next to the laundry room, where none of my other siblings, save for my older brother, would dare to go. It was pure white, with a neverending stack of auto, music and girly magazines. I later added a Gameboy. It was the only original toilet since my mom replaced every bathroom in the house with low-flow toilets - every bathroom but the basement bathroom.

It was primitive too, like Fonzie's garage apartment. We didn't actually have a doorway due to some low hanging air ducts. So when we needed to use the john, we had to close the door to the laundry room in order to get some privacy. If someone came downstairs to do laundry while you were dropping a deuce, you had to announce your presence, otherwise you'd be giving a show. All of our other bathrooms were much cleaner and much more pleasing to the eye. But that toilet was powerful. There was no log or pile that it couldn't handle. And for that, it was the perfect companion. It was the man's toilet. All my buddies would come over and we'd head downstairs to watch TV or play video games and drink beer, and we all relied on that toilet. And our Ferguson never failed. We had a pact.

Some days, I really miss living at home with mom and dad. If I could convince my wife to move into their house, I'd be packing a U-Haul that day. Our Ferguson was worth that much!

C Everett Poop's picture
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Al Bundy is a GOD! That was the best episode of the best TV show in history. It made me proud to be an American.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Al Bundy is my hero... I don't sell shoes, I sell toilet paper to fat old blue hairs...and although, as far as I know, "The Ferguson" is fantasy, my American Standard is...well...my little slice of heaven. No 1.5 gallon flush for me, nosireebob!!! Give me 5 gallons or give me stench!!!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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Great article, PP! God bless al bundy.

Brian's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i like the horor stories better

dude's picture
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Sorry, but as much as I enjoy defecation, I'm a soulless whore for toilets. I just need it to be reasonably clean, somewhat private, and some reading material. I abuse both my home toilets equally, both are stocked with the same TP and reading, and both get cleaned about the same time. Oh, and both need 2 flushes for the bigger poops- G-d I wish I had a Ferguson!

Critic's picture
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Though it was a good article, I have to admit I hate Al Bundi and that stupid show.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Great article, Pill Pooper. It certainly captures how I feel about my time in the bathroom at home. It is there, and there only, that I feel safe from ever other concern and demand. I won't allow anyone talking through the door to me for that reason. It is a place beyond communication, beyond social concerns and responsbilities. It's my time.

I haven't built my fantacy bathroom yet, but in addition to a Ferguson, it would also have a powerful shower and a large jacuzzi, with room enough to lay on the floor under heat lamps after climbing out of it -- basically like laying on the beach. And it would be all mine. I'd keep it sparkling.

Logjam

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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It may have just been the air conditioner blowing dry air into my eyes, its hard to tell, but I think I shed a tear on this poop report. It just doesn't get any better than this.

I myself live in an old house with the original toilet from 1954. I don't know what the capacity is, but I'm sure you could flush a child down it.

Must caution you about bad-mouthing Peg Bundy though. I know she was annoying and lazy, but how would you like to crawl up on a great-big woman like that (with those big tits and that huge ass) whenever you got a chance. Wow! Al's life wasn't all hell.

PatrioticPooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I came to love the quiet solitude of the bathroom at a young age. Like ThreePly, I was able to lay claim to the lonely half bath in the basement. When I was about thirteen I tacked a poster on the wall and put my bookcase with all my paperbacks in there. The bottom of the vanity had about an inch of clearance from the floor -- making for an ideal hiding spot for porn mags. Given the perfectly legitimate excuse for having the door locked and spraying Lysol, I was able to smoke cigarettes and pot in there too. I'd even bring the cordless phone with me in case my friends called.

Short N. Sweet's picture
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I don't remember ever watching an entire show, but that was a very well done PoopReport, Pill Pooper. Excellent.

the frequent farter's picture
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Married with Children was overrated.

Log Flume's picture
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Married with Children was the only sitcom I ever liked. Seinfeld,Friends and any other don't even come close. Long live Al Bundy!!

Tank Girl's picture
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"Married With Children" is a classic- and so is your article, Pill Pooper! What a fantastic read!

Dr. Dentz's picture
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Dave, a few points, if I may...

"Actually, the Ferguson of today is like a plumbing services and distribution company. They may have made toilets in the past, but they don't any more."

Ferguson is, and always has been, a distributor. They have never manufactured their own product. They re-sell the products of others. It just so happens that they are the largest distributor of these types of products in the U.S., hence the reason their brand name is so well-known.

"Their site is full of managementspeak, so it's pretty hard to understand what they do"

They buy others' products directly from the manufacturers, and re-sell them in their showrooms, turning a profit in the process. Think of it as the Wal-Mart of plumbers.

"Furthermore, if you click on "Showrooms", you see that they sell all sorts of brands, but none of them are their own."

Not true. Ferguson does apply their brand to a large number of products, *including* toilets, but this is accomplished through agreements with the manufacturers. Think of it as the "store brand" stuff you see in the supermarket. Food Lion may have slapped their brand name on that yogurt, but they sure as hell didn't make it.

The "Ferguson brand" logo is not on the showroom website because they want to promote the many big-name manufacturers they distribute first and foremost.

"So I guess Al's Ferguson is either a relic of the distant past, or a mythical toilet for which we all strive -- a Phoenix from the asses."

Neither a relic nor a myth. Visit a showroom sometime.

How do I know all of this?

I'm a former Ferguson employee.

turd turdgutson's picture
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AND THE DOCTOR HAS SPOKEN!!!!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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Doctor: Thanks for the clarification. I really appreciate it. I couldn't understand a word on their site.



I'm guessing Al's Ferguson was a combination of reality and fantasy, then... he says his dad took him to the factory in Maine. From what you said, they don't have a factory of their own; and their site says they started in DC and Alabama.



But that's not the point! Al's beloved Ferguson, real or not, is more importantly an allegory. And Pill Pooper did a great job of detailing exactly how important that allegory is in our lives. It may be a Kohler or a Toto or an American Standard, but each of us deserves a Ferguson of our own.

poop's picture
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Yeah. Thanks Dr. Dentz and Dave.
The program still sucked.

Poopaloopas's picture
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When I venture to attempt a deuce dropping at a pal's, say after a taco bell run, I'm always reminded of just how blessed i am. My car may not always start, my girlfriend might be a nagging bitch, my job might pay damn-near minimum wage, but at least I have a king-sized toilet. I seem to be the only one out of my large group of friends that has the huge, egg-shaped bowl made of porceline. Nobody likes having their dong dangle on the seat, and at my house there is no fear of that.
I love you, flushie.

Lady Ballbuster's picture
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Marcie (the neighbor) was NOT a "maniacal lesbian". A maniacal nymphomaniac, yes, but definitely itching to do the deed with men. She was horny for her first husband Steve, horny for her second husband Jefferson (whom she married when she got drunk and fell madly in bed with him, in Vegas), horny for male strippers, and...well, you get the idea.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points
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The confusion may be that the woman who played Marcie was a lesbian in real life. Al always made fun of her for looking like a lesbian, but her character was, in fact, quite straight.

For What it is Worth's picture
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I always thought Christina Applegate {Kelly}was kind of cute.She had a sister who worked in porn movies under the name of Shauna Grant. She {Shauna} commited suicide.

Chuck's picture
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I think part of the "MWC" toilet subplot is part homage to "All in the Family". Archie Bunker would flush his toilet, but never recited such love for his throne as did Al Bundy. I look forward to the "MWC" reruns on FX, although "M*A*S*H" seems to dominate syndication. To think "M*A*S*H" was on CBS for 11 seasons, yet the Korean War was only three years long.

Dr. Dentz's picture
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Wow. This single story was much better than any of the steaming piles of shit that "Married With Children" tried to entertain us with.

Bravo!

The show sucked, but this story was great.

Dr. Dentz's picture
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Bilgepump, "Fergusons" are anything but fantasy. They're the real deal, and their distributor, Ferguson Enterprises, is headquartered here in Newport News. Here's their website: http://www.ferguson.com/

I've never, ever used a toilet that was as comfortable and could take as much abuse as a Ferguson. I really do believe it is the pinnacle of shitter evolution.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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Actually, the Ferguson of today is like a plumbing services and distribution company. They may have made toilets in the past, but they don't any more. Their site is full of managementspeak, so it's pretty hard to understand what they do:



"Our Mission Is...

# To be the premier customer oriented supplier of value-added services.

# To continually improve our performance.

# To partner with vendors who help us meet our customers' needs.

# To provide our associates with a work environment that promotes communication and opportunities for personal growth and career development.

# To make a contribution to our communities as individuals and as a company.

# To succeed as a business and to provide a return to our shareholders.

# To operate with integrity and achieve our mission in an ethical manner."



I have no idea what any of that means. However, if they made toilets, I think their mission would probably a bit less ambiguous. "Our mission: to sell toilets. Proactively! A new paradigm."



Furthermore, if you click on "Showrooms", you see that they sell all sorts of brands, but none of them are their own.



So I guess Al's Ferguson is either a relic of the distant past, or a mythical toilet for which we all strive -- a Phoenix from the asses.

bluejay's picture
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God, I loved the Bundy's...Al and his toilet, hey, that's where I do all my reading too! I finish whole novels in the bathroom, don't even read them anywhere else in the house! An hour later, my butt & legs are numb, but what the heck? I love my toilet!

nicky's picture
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that is so crazy i remember watching that episode when i was 13 and that is when i got interested in poop. something about Al being constipated really got my attention and I felt sorry for him, i wanted to be there with him and help him go, maybe rub his belly a bit, so lube up his hole

king john's picture
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the royal terlit sits in a green bathroom adjoining the moon room. the bowl flushes itself whenever we do laundry. somebody in the past took the time to paint the pale green walls with some hunter green swirls. there's a clawfoot bathtub (the ladies love it :D) and a wine rack.

kahramisthebomb's picture
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damn this shit is awesome
al bundy is the shit
man i wish i had a ferguson toilet

Poopetmaster's picture
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Al Bundy was my childhood hero. I wish he would kick Dr. Phil's ass.

paradise pooper's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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good call, Poopmaster. But, Ido have a favorite commode. That is the closest one I can get to when I need to be on one. Some are better than others, but it's better than leaning up against one of the tires on my truck. (I done that a few times).

Hanus Anus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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"I always thought Christina Applegate {Kelly} was kind of cute."

Well, that was part of her job. :)
They never showed enough leg on that show, though. :(

"She had a sister who worked in porn movies under the name of Shauna Grant. She {Shauna} commited suicide."

Ah, yes. Colleen Applegate, iirc. I didn't know that she was related. (The suicide was a bit fishy, too. Shooting one's self with a shotgun is rather tricky.)

Happy crapping! (_o_)

Sperma's picture
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LOL :-D

James Reitz's picture
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Great story. Sitcoms have a way of expressing the strange and the wierd. A man who loves his toilet, who can argue that it isn't hilarious. (*cough*, LAME!!)

Fuhrmi's picture
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Its so great to find anything about this man toilet. But I'm so sad because I couldn't find some stuff like that Ferguson in europe. By the way is their really a company which produce Fergusons in USA?
Kind regards from Villory & Boch, favourite toilets of Germany.
Fuhrmi

turdmongerette's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Pill Pooper, this report reguarding Al's Ferguson makes me want to go and ride my own white horse. I acknowledge all of Al's comfort criteria and have the same in my own abode. Although sometimes I enjoy the rocking action while seated on my American Standard porcelin steed.

Dos-x's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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i too loved my toilet. the toilet at my parents house. ones bum becomes accostomed to a toilet after living in the same house so long.
now i live in an apartment with my husband and we have a shitty toilet, not literally of course, but often times it needs the double flush and i'm no powerpooper *sigh* one day i will have a good strong flusher.

Cracktacular's picture
l 100+ points
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Al Bundy is a man for all seasons. O come let us adore him.

Crack kills

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points
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I remember the toilet episode, with the last scene of the mighty flush (and the water pressure effect on the public fountain). In fact, I was a loyal viewer of "Married...With Children" for it's entire decade run. Pill Pooper is right, the show resonated with the Common Person. And, a toilet is a Man's - and Woman's, in my case - best friend.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I don't own a Ferguson but my idea of living on the
dangerous edge is to use just one piece of single ply
toilet paper!

PooperGal's picture
k 500+ points
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I just recalled that there is a big Ferguson warehouse-display center near me. I drive by it on the work commute. I'll have to stop in and pay homage sometime.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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I haven't watched anything on TV since 1974, other than "The Weather Channel" (where I keep hoping to see TSV, anxiously wiggling her boobs like Stephanie Abrams), so I can't speak to the axiology of this thread. I can, however, speak in a monumental way to its ontology, since I have lived in the same house since I was 7 years old (I am now 48), and THERE HAS BEEN THE SAME FERGUSON IN THE HALL BATHROOM ALL THE TIME!!! This crapper has survived, if not quite my toilet training, at least my adolescent identity crisis (this isn't a masturbation forum); voyeuristic friends of my teenage sister; my Mom's death; my Dad's dating and getting remarried and selling the house to me and Mrs. Dumpster; our divorce; doubling the size of the house; catboxes; constipated mothers-in-law; Little Dumpster; baby diapers; nervous neighbors; petrified pastors; reified relatives; two seats; three kits, but NEVER. ONCE. Has it stopped up or overflowed.

I can go to Mr. Ferguson with the biggest dump since D-Day, content in the knowledge that he will eagerly drink it down and beg for more. He will fight on the beaches; he will fight on the landing grounds, etc. I could back a cement mixer up to this guy and he would take it in stride. You could cram all the crap of Christendom in this crapper and he would eagerly comest it. My house is over 100 years old, so either its builder laid a 24 inch sewer main, or Potzilla discharges directly into the Turd Circle of Hell.

No wonder that when I have to eliminate one of the epic loads of my life, I visit Mr. Ferguson in the downstairs hallway bathroom. I am a fortunate man. As the Beverly Hillbillies said,

"You're all invited back next week,
To this locality,
To have a heapin' helpin'
Of [my] hospitality!"

Come to see me, my friends--sanitary napkins; bursting condoms; full-meal-deal chunks of vomit; partially dismembered human corpses: You name it: this big guy can swallow it!
I rest my case AND my ass!

He is the King of Crappers; the Father of Fergusons! He belongs on the National Register of HisTURDic Places!

Knickersdown Nicholas's picture
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Ferguson's toilets are a new one on me. BUT I had a special affection for the outside toilet at my grandparents' house - where I graduated from sitting on a potty to sitting on a toilet, at the age of three, and where I learned to wipe my own bum.

I also learned not to be embarrassed if neighbours saw me going in. They knew exactly what I had gone to do, by the length of time I was inside, and when they heard the toilet roll being pulled, and the rustling of the San Izal paper.

Somebody has written on another forum about listening to neighbours' gossip while on the loo. That was an added bonus - a reason for staying there a bit longer. The woman one side worked part-time at the pub down the road. She was the source of all the news, shouting it from her back yard to the one the other side of my grandparent's place. I used to go back in and tell my gran all.

Yes, I loved that old toilet with the wooden shelf, especially in summer time - eaves-dropping, sitting with my trousers round my ankles during school holidays was an enjoyable pastime, which my mother, my uncle, and my grandparents assured me that they had participated in - something from the past which I suppose has virtually disappeared.

That old lady always called me 'Nicky', even after I had a doctorate. (At school, rather predictably, I was called 'Nickers'). Over the years, when going for my morning trouser-drop, she would often be outside, hanging out washing, or sweeping up or whatever. One of the last occasions when I was 25, she was announcing some news to neighbours, I heard someone say 'I think Nicky is in there.' I shouted back 'Don't mind me'. Shortly afterwards she had a stroke from which she never recovered.

Not long after that, my grandparents sold their house, which by then had had quite a lot done to it, including a modern bathroom, for a small bungalow. So it was a sad goodbye to that outhouse, forever.

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points
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Dumpster, awesome homage to your Ferguson!! Reading your post made me proud of it myself and I've never seen it! Poop shooter

Poop Shooter!

Thos. Crapper's picture
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One of my college buddies graduated and worked for Ferguson Enterprises. He was a classic "Good Ole Boy" and he said the company's unofficial motto was "Your number Two is our Number One."

...and Al Bundy was a big hero of mine. Sex-starved Peg would always try to get a little action but uninterested Al's response was usually, "Peg, has it been six months already?"

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Dave says, "[i]t may be a Kohler or a Toto or an American Standard, but each of us deserves a Ferguson of our own."

How right you are, Dave. Although I penned the tribute above to my mythical "Ferguson," the actual commode, which has been there since 1964, is an American Standard, as are the other two loos in my 100+ year-old house. But as I said above, that joker knows how to do his job, better than any of us could teach it to him.

In all the viscissitudes of my life, it has always been a consoling constant to know that I could count on this champ to dispose, without a murmur, whatever stress and Mother Nature had combined to wring from my anguished guts.

Every life must have its bright spots; my crapper is mine! To paraphrase Chevalier, "thank heaven for little girls, and for humongous swirls!"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Dumpster, what is your obsession with Stephanie Abrams? This is like the fourth place I have read about her from you. And I thought I was horrid for drooling over Jeff Morrow.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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She has boobs. She wears a tight t-shirt. I am a man. Need I say more?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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The you'd LOVE me on my weather footage. I wear a short tank top that is four sizes too small. Hell, it's hot out there in hurricane season!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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And it's ALWAYS hot in Volcano season!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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TSV, when are you going public with your "weather footage" AND your "weather cleavage"?

Plumber John's picture
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A Ferguson Toilet is actually a Proflo toilet. It is only sold at Ferguson. It has a big blue ferguson stamp on it between the seat and the tank. However, it is not made by Ferguson. It goes back to that Food Lion example. Proflo is actually a full line of products only sold at ferguson ranging from ball valves and hose clamps to whirlpool tubs and kitchen faucets. None of which is made by ferguson or Proflo. Im sure back in the day, it was just a ferguson Toilet. But now, If you go to ferguson and ask for a ferguson toilet, they will sell you a proflo. and if you take off the lid, it will say briggs. So Briggs makes there toilet. on another topic, the person who drove to canada to buy 3.5 gallon toilets, is an idiot. they could have just gone to ferguson and bought some. plus the people in europe only use .8 gallons per flush. toto, kohler, american standard, st. thomas creations, jacuzzi ect... all make toilets with that new flushing technology that will suck down golf balls. They expanded the trapway size from 2 inches to 3 and added a few other things. go to kohler.com and check out the cimmaron 1piece toilet and 2piece toilet. it only uses 1.6 gallons. no more watching the water spin and spin. it sucks straigt down. they call it the class five flushing system. I have one, its the best toilet ever made. unless you wanna pay 5 grand for a toto that will wash your ass for you.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

Reminds me of the old guy I met once who said he was chopping with George Washington's axe.

"Really," I said, "is that the actual axe George used to chop down the legendary cherry tree?

"Waal," replied the owner, "hit's had two new heads 'an three new handles, but ah reckon hit's still th' selfsame axe!"

Rat Droppings's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

That report made me wish I had a special toilet. It saddens me that I haven't fully honored my toilet.

_______
"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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0

I would like nothing more than to un-honor my toilet by bashing it up with a sledgehammer. No amtter what, I have to planuge and flush at least 3 times. I had a plumber in, and he made it worse. But at least I have a toilet.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Dumplestiltskin's picture
0
0

This was one the greatest eps in TV history.

When I was looking to buy a house, I was planning on installing a new toilet that I could break-in and make my Ferguson. Sadly, the market has gotten out of reach for peons like me...

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

*lies down on floor, pounds fists, kicks feet*

I want a toilet like Al's Ferguson!!!!!

This horrid apartment-toilet can't suck down one of my cat's hairballs, much less one of my IBS-patient offerings ... *sigh*

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
0
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Don't know what a Ferguson would do for me, but I really like Sloan valve toilets (as I keep saying). Maybe I should look into these. Oh, and my reading material is my laptop computer.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Dumplestiltskin's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
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Whenever I feel down, I come back and reread this story and things don't seems so bad. So many good memories of a great episode. Thanks for immortalizing it.


_______
Toilet, I don't like you and you don't like me...

Toilet, I don't like you and you don't like me...

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

The Ferguson website must truly be representative of a company that is a mighty purveyor of toilets. I never saw so much shit in my whole life.

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
0

May good toilets like Al's live long and prosper, and may they always be there to receive our bodily wastes, no matter how small . .or how big. God bless the pot.

Anonymous Coward's picture
0
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All hail the mighty Ferguson -
One flush a lo! your merde is gone!
(Do you have any idea how damn hard it is to find a word that rhymes with ferguson?)

Stanley's Best Friend's picture
0
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My toilet has been dubbed "Stanley" by my 15 year old niece. (I don't know why, but I kinda like it!) His full name is Stanley Lowflow Craphole Shiteater Kohler.

In other news, a baby boy born at the hospital where my aunt works was named "Shithead" by his Hindu parents. Apparently its pronouced "Shuh-theed". (If they ever have a girl, I recommend the name "Asswipe" pronounced "Az-weepay" of course.)

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points
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0

That episode was a riot. Great story Pill Pooper.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

jeff brennnan's picture
0
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yes oh great yanks but your fergy days are over
tour cananda if you want great flushers now that your gov..has outlawed the hover dam of crappers..long live al and the mighty FERGY

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Jeff, I'm liking your name link today.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com