"When you drop a Ghost Poop: You know poop comes out, wipe....no poop, look in the toilet...no evidence of poop, where does it go?"
-- Joe C, 11-23-01
Abstract
My research has convinced me that there could be some sort of wormhole in the space-time continuum in which poop is free to move from one universe into a parallel universe. Additionally, this process is capable of occurring in reverse --- for example, when you poop what you think is a rather insignificant poop but, upon inspection, you find that apparently a large brown submarine has surfaced in your toilet.We call this phenomenon "The Valsava Hypothesis." It was named after the
Bulgarian proctologist Brakov Valsava, a man truly ahead of his time in the study
of poop physics. Dr. Valsava vanished one autumn afternoon after doing a TV
interview at which he made wild proclamations regarding the wormhole theory. It is
widely believed that he was taken by Russian intelligence (possibly the pooping
wing of the KGB) to reconstruct his experiments in a lab somewhere in Siberia.
Introduction
Society as a whole has benefited significantly from the invention of the flushing toilet. Prior to this invention, the general population was forced to do their dirty business into unsanitary receptacles, and dispose of their excrement as they saw fit -- which meant that sometimes it was simply thrown out the window.It has been argued that civilized society and proper sanitation systems have gone hand in hand. However, with the advancement of said sanitation systems, the human race as a whole has encountered one of the most puzzling phenomenons of our short, sanitized history: The Ghost Poop. Odds are very good you've encountered it, either by hearing stories of it or experiencing it first hand. Either way, it has left you, and thousands of others, grasping for words.
What is a Ghost Poop? To put it simply: you have planted yourself on the toilet and are going about your routine. Once you feel you have sufficiently emptied the contents of your lower GI, you begrudgingly begin the process of wiping. Upon inspection of the TP, not a trace of fecal material can be found. Bewildered, you stand, look into the toilet, only to realize that there is nothing in there either.
By this time, feelings of utter despair and confusion have encompassed your entire being. You sit back down, with your only option being to wipe again, thinking you may have missed "ground zero" with your initial pass. Wipe... yet again, nothing. At this point, you exit the bathroom, looking back at the toilet as you leave, wondering what had just happened and what mystical cosmic forces are at play.
The Ghost Poop. After experiencing this phenomenon multiple times throughout the span of my pooping career, I began searching for answers.
My quest led me to the research of renowned Bulgarian proctologist, Dr. Brakov Valsava. Dr. Valsava was a man with an incredible passion for pooping. As a youth, Brakov encountered the Ghost Poop, (called Lu Osturug Kagat by his village elders) many times. He made it his life's purpose to determine the cause of this phenomenon.
After exploring several potential causes, including aliens and underwater gnomes, Valsava came to the conclusion that the only plausible source of this phenomenon was the presence of some sort of crack in the space-time continuum --- possibly a wormhole -- found in toilets that allowed feces to move from one universe into a parallel universe.
His findings were supported by another phenomenon, although not as frequent but equally puzzling: The Mystery Loaf, the opposite of the Ghost Poop. This has occurred when you look into the bowl to admire your work, expecting an average, run-of-the-mill turd -- only to find a brown Leviathan that has somehow managed to pass through you bunghole unnoticed.
Imagine the possibilities of Valsava's wormhole theory -- the transportation of poop through space and time! Your Mystery Loaf could be in fact the Ghost Poop of some famous and important historical figure. Or, vice versa! Your Ghost Poop could have made a trans-dimensional journey through space and time to become Julius Caesar's Mystery Loaf!
Because of his unfortunate disappearance, Dr. Valsava was never able to finish
his research. So I have taken it upon myself to see if his findings have any
scientific merit.
Results
In order to determine if the wormhole theory is plausible, I had to do research on wormholes themselves. First, I needed to determine what exactly a wormhole was. My research led to the following (from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes [1]):Wormholes are theoretical shortcuts through space and possibly time. A wormhole has two entrances, which are situated in different places, and are connected by a tunnel in hyperspace. Wormholes make third-dimensional distances shorter by transporting matter or energy through the fourth dimension.
That being determined, I needed to figure out if wormholes only occur naturally,
or if they can be somehow manufactured. I managed to attain the following (also from Mysteries of Space - Time: Wormholes [2]):
This exposition pokes some holes in Dr. Vasalva's theory. First, the amount of
energy required to create a poop-wormhole would surely vaporize the transient (the
turd, in this case) into an unrecognizable entropy of particles. Second, and more
importantly, I find it highly dubious that my colon, or indeed anyone's, is capable
of harnessing the energy of multiple stars. At best, I could harness a single
star, but even two is pushing it.
Further research is underway analyzing the material properties of porcelain, in
order to determine if it is indeed an ideal conductor of enormous amounts of
energy. But the results have thus far been inconclusive.
After identifying the material requirements to create a wormhole, I have
determined that Dr. Valsava's theories are not sufficient to explain Ghost Poops
and Mystery Loafs.
Although revolutionary and quite exciting, it looks as though the wormhole
theory has no scientific merit. Mankind will simply have to live with this
phenomenon for many years to come. Hopefully there are many more young Brakov
Valsava's out there to someday solve this quandary, and finally answer the question
that's haunted mankind for centuries:
When you drop a Ghost Poop: you know poop comes out, wipe... no poop, look in
the toilet... no evidence of poop... where does it go?
Do they {wormholes} naturally occur in space, or do they need to be created
artificially? If they do exist at all, there is a pretty good chance that they
appear naturally, but it might also be possible to create one artificially. Here is
one theory:
Thanks to Thinkquest [3] for the image.
Conclusion