It started when Matt forwarded this article [1] to his friends:
OSLO (Reuters) - An American woman had no need to fasten her seatbelt on a flight
from Scandinavia to the United States after a high-pressure vacuum flush sealed her
to the toilet seat of the transatlantic airliner.
The woman filed a complaint with Scandinavian Airlines System (SAS) after her
ordeal on a Boeing 767 flight last year. She got sucked in after pushing the flush
button while seated, activating a system to clean the toilet by vacuum, the airline
said Monday.
"She could not get up by herself and had to sit on the toilet until the flight had
landed so that ground technicians could help her get loose," a SAS spokeswoman
told Reuters. "She was stuck there for quite a long time." Matt included this note with the story:
And thus it began.
"However, I am still hung up on the fact she wasn't turned inside out like an old sock. Does anyone have the vacuum pressure threshold statistics of the human rectum? (preferably in torr, but pascals will do)."
"p.s. I'm on it."
"However there is a
chance that your prolific amount of gas discharge could be construed as a constant
state of negative pressure exterior to your colon and thereby making you an
expert on the matter. However who am I to speculate whether your gaseous excretions
are caused by taking it in or giving it out to exacerbate the pressure
differential ("it" being defined as standard atm pressure air).
"But if you let me take this one unmerciful step further; if I base a hypothesis
that Joe truly enjoys taking it in the rectum then it must true that a lower
pressure exists within his colon and thereby he cannot be an expert. Some may contend
that Joe has a choice to take it or give it but remember scientists are still
debating whether taking in it the rectum is a genealogic predisposition or a social
decision.
"An alarming number of scientist believe the former and therefore Joe
has no choice but to take it in the rectum and thereby discounts any claims to be
expert in the rating of rectal response to negative external pressures. I do
believe that Joe should not be discounted for all matters concerning the
physics/biology of the ass. He could undoubtedly be used for expert testimony in the
subject of rectal friction, but that is for another discussion.
"I have included on the CC list a "vacuum" expert that may be of some help in
shedding some light on negative pressure, "vacuum", ratings of rectum. You may or
may not know Mr. Jim L-------, but he's well known in my circle for the ability to
rate vacuum suction and base it on a unique rectal scale. I can remember
distinctly when we purchased the ShopVac Wet/Dry Vacuum for our house on Summit. Upon
turning on the unit Jim exclaimed, "That thing could suck the ass out of a cat!"
It seems that Mr. L------- has determine a simple relationship between rectal
size and vacuum amps/HP."
"Some suggestions to Mr. L------'s feline/anal scale (which is quite
revolutionary) Dr. Calo MD BM PP, you should pay attention here as well:
"Given the fact that a standard wet/dry shop-VAC (take for instance the SEARS
CRAFTSMAN 16 gal. model # 17026) advertises 6.25 HP / 12.0 AMPS of sucking ability.
Now, before moving any further along, we must agree on some things: (1) Horsepower
is normally defined as a Rate of Work (POWER) however, I believe that the
manufacturer is using the definition of motor HP here (torque X speed). Therefore
(2) As motor speed will be variable from shop-VAC to shop-VAC we must agree upon a
standard convention, in this case, WATTS (the SI unit of power where 1 WATT=1
joule/second). (3) One can deduce that (using OHMS law) since W = A x V then said
shop-VAC will operate at about 1440 WATTS (10 ohms). So, if this shop-VAC operates
at 1440 watts, then we have approximately 5,184,000 Joules in one hour.
"Let's now apply this to Mr. L------'s "CAT HYPOTHESIS". Say the average cat's
rectum (and I am going out on a limb here) is about 1 CM (about the width of a
pinky finger, or so I would imagine) and it would take no more than 5 seconds to
completely "suck the ass out of a cat". We can arrive at the following conclusion:
first, reduce 5,184,000 J per hour to J/sec, which equals about 1,400 Joules per
second. Then, multiply 1,400 J/S x 5 seconds and you have the answer:
"It takes about 7,000 Joules to "SUCK THE ASS OUT OF A CAT".
"Now, applying this theory to the "Airline Incident": If the average human
rectum is approximately double to triple the size of our feline counterpart, say 2
to 3 CM (but all other things equal, sucking threshold, etc.) We'll use the average
2.5 CM (about the width of my middle finger) to discover the amount of force
present in the plane's toilet bowl.
"Based on the theory above (which may have some 'holes' in it) it would require
about 17,500 Joules (2.5 CM x 7,000 Joules) to "SUCK THE ASS OUT OF THE PASSENGER".
So, the Airline toilet had to have LESS than 17,500 joules of 'suction' present or
she would have been turned inside out like a sock.
"I am currently working on the force required to adhere the woman to the seat,
but I don't have any height/weight information. I can only come up with a vague
range. I need more data.
Rochester, NY -- Alcohol is the suspected cause of a
strange string of events that occurred early Sunday morning
in the 1600 Block of Broad St. in Rochester.
Police report that Mr. Matt D----- was found in the early
hours of Sunday morning behind the well known gay nightclub,
The Purple Kitty, in downtown Rochester. At the time of his arrest,
Mr. D------ was visibly intoxicated and had in his possession a micrometer
and an extremely distressed cat. Police suspect that Mr. D------ was
in some way harming the animal due to the extensive lacerations on the
posterior of the animal.
Mr. D------- was charged with Animal Cruelty and was fined
$1500.00. Sources inside the Rochester PD say that officers
are baffled as to what D------ was attempting to do.
"It looked like he was measuring the damn thing's
behind!" said Office Kip Steele of the Rochester Police Department.
When questioned by authorities, D------ was reportedly incoherent.
"I NEED TO MEASURE IT!", shouted D------ as he was loaded
into a police cruiser. "Its SCIENCE!!". Police say that the investigation
will continue.
Flushed with Anger -- Sky Toilet Horror
Tuesday January 22 8:58 AM ET
"The logistics of this happening are truly mind-boggling. For one's arse to form a perfect seal around a toilet defies logic. I mean, as far as I know, most people have an anatomical feature medically referred to as a 'crack'. That, and the fact that she wasn't turned inside out (through the butt-hole) makes her a very lucky person. I see an "airtight" lawsuit on the horizon."
Editor's note: This debate has been official resolved. Please read Airline Toilets and Vacuum-Sealed Asses: A PoopReport Investigation [3].
"dude - that's just gross! it must be one hell of an arse! was her butt stained blue from the chemicals?"
---- Jen
"Or did she have a giant ass hickey?"
---- Matthew
"All good questions.
---- Matt
"This sounds like a academic challange perfect for Dr. Joe Calo, MD BM PP [2]!"
---- Dave
"I find it disturbing that when one thinks of the "vacuum pressure threshold" of the human rectum, they think of me??! My mom would be sooooo proud. Good day.
---- Dr. Joe Calo, MD BM PP
"To be truthful we normally think of Joe under the complete opposite scenario; the
"internal pressure rating" of the human rectum. I think Dave was confusing Joe's
vast knowledge of rectal pressure relief mechanisms (as well as a more general
technical intimacy with his ass) with a knowledge of a vacuum pressure threshold
(or more precisely a negative pressure rating, since a vacuum is defined by a void,
in this instance of pressure) that the human body may have.
---- Matthew
"I will be flying on an airplane next Wednesday, to Tampa.
In the interest of science, I will attempt to use my ass to form an airtight
seal around the airline toilet seat, and flush. If all goes well, the
suction will strongly affix me to the toilet, but hopefully not turn my
colon inside-out. I will write a dissertation of my findings for Poopreport.
Professor Joseph F-------- will be present to verify any
discoveries I make (and potentially pry me off the toilet with a fork).
I want to see if that woman's claims are valid, or if she's just a big, fat,
lawsuit-happy, publicity hound."
---- Dave (a different Dave than above)
"Hey, you call my mom a publicity hound again and I'll kick your ass."
---- Dave (a third Dave)
"{Matthew's Corporation} would be proud to know that one of their expert
contract engineers is dabbling in the field of rectal pressure. I see a theorem on
the (vertical) horizon.
---- Matt
Actually Matt, an average cat's rectum is 1.5 cm in diameter. Or so I've heard.
---- Shoe
Preliminary Data: As you can see, there is undoubtedly a direct, and
proportionate relationship between one's weight and the force required to
maintain the adhesive seal on the airline toilet. Now somewhere along this
line is the R(T), the R sub T, also known as the "RECTAL THRESHOLD" (which
we believe to be about 17,500 Joules). This graph opens the door to many
questions: Is it possible to be so fat that you wouldn't be able to be
stuck to the toilet, because your innards/entrails would be sucked out?
I'm still working on it!
Area Man Charged with Animal Cruelty
Friday January 25 4:10 PM ET
---- James
