In Sync: Comparing Our Poop Propensity -- The Results

Two weeks ago, Assblaster2000 [1] and I engaged in an experiment [2]: if we both eat the exact same food, will we poop the exact same poops?

For three days, we kept poop diaries as we shared a diet. Although 300 miles seperates us, we can thank multinational chains for ensuring that we're eating the exact same thing (at McDonalds, we could have even gotten the exact same dose of e.coli).

The results: completely different results -- proof that different people handle food differently. It may seem obvious in retrospect, but in the name of science, no poop experiment can be considered trivial.

	AssBlaster	Dave
Day One	EVENING: One poop, small, firm, brown -- 1 TW.*	MORNING: nice, semi-solid log, perhaps one full TW AFTER MIDNIGHT: nutty, beady (lots of little bunny craps), a reasonably healthy portion (.75 TWs)
Day Two	AFTERNOON: One poop, medium, firm, brown -- 1.5-2 TWs.	NOON: small, beady, incredibly pungent -- like vegetables. (.5 TWs) AFTERNOON: little balls, not very much at all MIDNIGHT: solid, impressive 4-inch log (1.5 TWs)
Day Three	EVENING: One poop consisting of one turd, medium, brown, firm, 1.5 TWs. Somewhat smellier than normal -- believe this was due to consumption of chicken.	MORNING: two glorious four-inchers (2 TWs). LATE AFTERNOON: 1.5 TWs, solid, nice quality.

*TW = Twinkie Unit, a proposed standaradized unit of poop measurement

ASSBLASTER2000 SAYS:

As we prepared to begin the Great Poop Sync I was very excited. Looking at the menu [3], I was almost sure that my pooping cycle would have to be affected. I don't ever eat that much healthy food in three days. I thought to myself "I'm going to poop like Dave! I can't wait. Now I'll know what it's like to poop more than once a day. My life will be complete."

No such luck. Multiple and substantial poops are proving to be more elusive to me than the Holy Grail. This became clear to me the first day of the experiment -- my bowels had pulled a rotten trick on me the day before and caused me to poop twice, both being small poops. So that day, on which the menu was, well, light, my poop chute had little to offer. I felt cheated. The next two days proved to be equally fruitless, or should I say, poopless.

Ever since I can remember, I have pooped once a day. I poop after work, and when I was younger, after school. Even my irregularities are regular: If I poop twice one day, I skip the next day or poop little. Dave, however, poops around three times daily. Why? Is it his diet, which I gather is considerably healthier than mine? Or is it that he eats more? Or is Dave just full of shit?

The answer eluded my simple mind. We ate exactly the same, so why did I poop so much less? Where did my food go?

Elementary, my dear fellow Poopreporters. This experiment proved that Dave's metabolism is much faster than mine. Any matter that his body didn't digest was immediately flushed out of his system by his trusty colon. I am not as lucky. Only some of what I didn't digest was eliminated as poop. The rest also went to my ass, but was stored there as fat.

Reflecting upon this conclusion, the only comfort I can take from this experiment is that if Dave and I both fall on our asses, I won't get hurt as badly.