Dear Poopreport,

Shocked. Appalled. Mere words cannot convey the horror of my discovery yesterday.

My brother-in-law picked my son up from school and went with him to my house until I came home. Upon arriving, I commented on a strange odor in the house. My brother-in-law said he hadn't noticed anything and changed the subject. We talked for another half-hour before he went on his merry way. Unsuspectingly, I walked into the bathroom to relieve myself of the day's stresses. As I entered, I noted the peculiar odor I'd noticed before was a lot stronger.

I opened the lid of the toilet and was bowled over by a most hideous sight. Sitting in the bottom of my once clean and shiny shitter bowl was a gigantic log with little unidentifiable flecks of something in it, sitting on a bed of saturated toilet paper in a very shallow pool of yellow water.

My son walked in to find me near tears at this horrible atrocity and said, "Oh, the toilet's clogged." I asked if he had wreaked this havoc on our toilet; he adamantly denied any association with this particular piece of vandalism.

I began to work on freeing my toilet's gullet so that I could wash this horror down. The plunger churned the mess into a nasty cloudy brown, breaking pieces of the enormous log off to float free of the mother log. I flushed and prayed that something would break loose, but the bowl filled just short of the brim. Oh well, at least now I had some water to try to help things along.

I continued working the plunger and had the misfortune of it turning inside out. I carefully tried to flip it back to where it should be only to have shitwater splash all over, as though someone had thrown a large rock into my pond of sludge. Now I was really pissed.

I plunged with all my might and was finally rewarded with the slow gurgling, signaling the beginnings of a successful flush. My throne, ashamed by what had been done to it, was finally able to accept the horrendous gift upon which it had been bestowed.

As I cleaned up the shitwater around the bowl, my wife called. I casually asked if she'd left a present for me this morning, adding that it was astoundingly huge. She said that she had not used the toilet. Shyly, I asked, "Bob (brother-in-law's name changed to protect his foul identity) wouldn't have left this here, would he?"

"Well," she replied. "Jane (sister-in-law's name to changed to protect her less soiled identity) has complained before that he frequently clogs the toilet."

I was devastated. This man, whom I'd welcomed into my family -- my home! -- had turned against me. Not only did he clog the toilet, but he left this shocking monstrosity to ferment and never mentioned that there had been a problem. What does one do to counter such an unprovoked attack?