Well it appears that here I actually owe Dr. James an apology. As many of you know, I
edit for diction, grammer and flow -- not every story comes in written as well as one from Mastercrapper or The Big Wiper.
In Dr. James' case, as anyone familiar
with his previous writing [2] knows, grammer isn't exactly his strong point. He sent
me a funny story; but I couldn't put it up as he sent it [3] because it was, well, unreadable.
I thought I'd be doing the kid a favor by helping him out with his writing.
From his original:
You can see how I'd think Wilson was wearing a towel. Subject/verb/predicate and that
whole thing. Sorry about that, Doc.
> From: "Dr James"
> To: Snapper
> Subject: SNAPPER! the truth about DAVE from POOPREPORT
> Date: Fri, 19 Sep 2003 18:25:00 +1000
>
> Dear Poopreporter.
>
> You should know that DAVE from poopreport is a fraud.
>
> If you were to go here:
> http://poopreport.com/Stories/index.html [1]
>
> You would find plenty of stories about poop. What you should know
> about these stories, is that they have been altered. Dave has
> altered them, to make them more funny. He has added things, and
> taken things out, and in some cases, almost changed the story
> completely, all to make it a bit more funny.
> Now, as far as I am concerned, theres nothing wrong with this,
> however, many people seem to think that the stories should be told
> AS IT HAPPENED, and should not be exagerated. This makes the story
> unreal, and when you are reading a story like this, one of the
> things that makes it so funy, is knowing that it actually happened,
> but now, not knowing what is true and what was added in just to make
> it funnier, well.....I suppose now you have to admite that what you
> are reading may be fiction rather than fact.
> The thing is, DACE is very secretive about this. When I posted this
> fact on his forum, there was a sudden IP placed on the network I
> use.
> I use a public computer, at my UNiversity Campus.
> This particular network is used on every University and TAFE campus
> in the STATE! there is approximately 100,000 people who now can not
> access the poop report site. Dave knows this, and as far as he is
> concerned, it is a small price to pay to keep me silent.
>
> So I have resorted to this. Emailing you all personally, to prove
> that DAve can not silence me.
> It is entirely up to you wheather you wish to care wheather or not
> he changes the stories. Some of you may not care in the slightest,
> but some of you may be disapointed to know that what you thought was
> truth, is actually fiction.
> DAve is certainly embarased by it.
>
> You may be wondering, how do I know all this?
> I know because I sent him a story myself.
> When I read it after he had added his little alterations, I kept
> silent. I thought..."oh, wink wink..nudge nudge..itll be our little
> secret"
> But then Dave couldnt handle it when I began to tell everyone, so he
> baned me.
> I had previously critisized him over something, and immediately he
> put a TEMPORARY ban on me, and said I had been banned for two weeks.
> I emailed him, appologising and telling him that I had learned my
> lesson, and that it was fair.
> Two weeks passed, then thee, then four.
> Finally, when I asked him why I still wasnt allowed back..he
> repplied
> "I guess I lied."
>
> Well Isnt that convinient. Thats when I logged on under a false
> name. He emailed me telling me that he knew what i was doing, and
> that as long as I behaved myself, it was okay.
>
> But then I made that post on the forum about how he changed the
> stories..and over night, there was a ban placed on the IP I was
> using.
>
> I admit, that the stories on Poop Repot.WERE funny, that is until I
> found out they were grossly exagerated.
>
> I sent him a story. He eddited it. I was silent, and when I spoke
> out, i was silenced.
> If you care to read my story, here it is. Through out it, I will
> tell you where it was changed:
> :
>
> Here is the story as it apears on the site:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Enema at the Gates
> Posted 1.7.02003 by Dr. James
>
> One day about a year ago, I was at the shopping center with Mum. We
> were just about to leave when I needed to take a dump. I could feel
> in my stomach that this was going to be one of those long painful
> dumps -- the ones where you crap, wipe, and think you're finished,
> but just as you're about to put your pants back on, realize that
> there's more to come... you know what I'm talking about.
> [this entire sentence was added in by dave..I never said any of
> that.]
> My mum is a cranky and impatient nagger of a woman, and told me that
> I had better be quick.
>
> I went to the toilet and pushed hard, but I just couldn't do it -- I
> had some weird case of performance anxiety. The more I looked at my
> watch and pictured my mum outside in a furious rage, wondering what
> was taking me so long, the more constipated I seemed to become. I
> tried several anti-constipation techniques, but nothing seemed to
> work.
>
> After twenty minutes, I just couldn't stand the pressure. All I
> could think about was my big fat angry mum yelling her head off:
> "What the hell have you been doing in there? What took you so
> long?!"
>
> Of course, I couldn't just tell her that I was constipated, because
> then she'd nag on and on and bloody on about it: telling me how I
> wasn't eating right, constantly asking me every five minutes for the
> next ten years if I was constipated... so I just walked out,
> silently faced the nagging bugger and went home.
>
> Mum dropped me off at home and drove off somewhere else. I was in
> desperate need to rid my bowels of this brown bastard bunging my
> hole.
>
> My old man told me once how he used to give his greyhound dogs
> enemas to clean them out and make them lighter before they raced. He
> told me he'd just stick a hose up their bum, gently pour in a bit of
> water, and then a few minutes later they would dump all over the
> place.
>
> When I asked more about this practice (I'd never really known what
> an enema was before I heard this), he told me that once in hospital
> he had been given an enema. He had to hold it in for a few long
> hours, after which he let it all gush out in a torrential flood of
> relief.
>
> Well, I thought I'd try this technique on myself.
>
> I couldn't exactly stand out in my front yard jamming the garden
> hose up my arse, so I let the hose in through the bathroom window,
> placing it in the bath as I went outside and turned it on. Then I
> went back into the bathroom. I grabbed the hose and folded it over,
> clamping it so the water stopped running. Then I bent over.
>
> For you non-Australians, a quick lesson: we call the room with the
> bath and the shower "the bathroom." The room with the toilet is
> called "the toilet." Some houses have the toilet in the bathroom,
> but most don't. In America, the urge to poop begets the phrase, "I
> need to go to the bathroom." If you said that here, we'd wonder why
> you suddenly have this intense need to go wash your hair.
>
> I looked over at my puckered ring in the bathroom mirror. So small.
> How was I going to fit the end of a hose up in there? But I knew I'd
> produced some enormous craps before... one's hole is nothing if not
> accommodating.
>
> [This whole paragraph was Daves work. I never said any of that]
>
> With a bit of effort and a lot of Vaseline, I managed (quite
> uncomfortably) to fit the nozzle into my anus. I slowly released the
> clamp. There's no weirder feeling than filling one's ass like a
> water balloon.
>
> Great. I had gotten this far. I had an ass full of water. Now all I
> had to do was wait a while, then go to the toilet in the basement
> and poop it all out. Right?
>
>
> [I dont have a basement Dave!]
>
> Wrong. As soon as I pulled out the hose, a wave of brown water shot
> from my ass. Thankfully, it was aimed over the bathtub... no big
> deal. I'd just go to the toilet now straight away.
>
> Then I turned and looked into the tub, and at the wet sloppy hunks
> of feces floating in it.
>
> But first things first. I bolted (carefully, so as not to leak any
> shit onto the carpet) down to the toilet. More chunky poo juice came
> gushing and spurting.
>
> [that last sentence was Daves work]
>
> After I was done, I walked back towards the bathroom to clean up the
> disgusting mess in the tub. Except -- there, standing right there,
> there was Wilson, the man who boarded in our house. Wilson, who had
> come home early from work. Wilson, who had been in the house for God
> knows how long. Wilson, who was wearing a towel.
>
> [that last sentence was not in my story at all. It doesnt seem like
> much, but that one statement alteres the WHOLE story dramatically.
> Ill talk more about htis at the bottom of the page]
>
> He said hello to me. I froze.
>
> Had he just been in the bathroom? Had he seen the bathtub full of
> buttleak?
>
> [I have never used the word butleak]
>
> Our encounter pretty much ended at that, but I was paranoid about it
> for months. Every conversation we had, I could hear his thoughts: "I
> came home from work early, went to the bathroom to wash my hands (or
> whatever) and found the bath full of crap! What a disgusting little
> creature this boy is!"
>
> [got you there dave! I said that he had come home to wash his hands
> or whatever, but you thought that that wasnt god enough! You added
> in the bit about wearing a towel, just to put an added image in the
> readers mind. In actual fact, he probably didnt go in the bathroom
> at all!]
After I was done, I walked back towards the bathroom to clean up the disgusting mess in the bath. On my way back in, just wearing a towel, Wilson, the man who Bordered in our house had just unexpectedly come home early from work, and had been in the house for god knows how long?
>
> To this day, I still don't know if Wilson had gone into the bathroom
> while I was in the toilet, or if he had seen the damage even if he
> had. As for the enema, it cleaned me out nicely. But I don't think
> I'll be trying it again.
>
> -- Dr James.
>
>
>
> Allright. There were many other small things he added in, just
> changing the sentences around and things like that, using
> expressions other than what I had used etc, but i dindt think it was
> worth mentioning.
> The major thing that dave changed, was the fact that Wilson was
> supposedly wearing a towel, so the reader would think:
> Gee, he must have been in the bathroom just about ready to get in
> the bath...
> In actual fact, he was not wearing a towel at all...he probably
> never even saw that stuff in the bath, I merely said that he mAY
> have, but dave changed a lot of the wording around to imply that he
> just about MUSt have.
> This one sentence alone makes this story just THAT much funnier, and
> I thought it was a good touch, but think of this:
> Next time you are reading a story on POOPREPORT, and you come across
> a line that you think is really funy, think to yoursef: Gee..is that
> true, or is that one of those things that DAVE added to spice the
> story up a bit. I mean, from now on, how can we ever actually know
> for sure how much of these stories are true or not?
>
> Shame on you dave, now we can only suspect that all of the stories
> are edited by you, and who knows whats real or fake anymore? I mean,
> if you look down the bottom of the stories, people have added
> coments, and sometimes those comments say that they dont beleive
> certain things about the story, and now, how can you blame them?!
>
> Ahh dave, why did you do it? Now youve ruined it for everyone!
>
> If YOU have posted a story on poopreport and it has been altered,
> then let me know. Let us ALL KNOW!
> Please pass this on to other people who frequent this site.
> Thankyou
>
> Dr James
I have to admit, I edited this story pretty heavily; perhaps too much. Like I said, he had a funny story... I wanted it to read well. I guess I shouldn't have been so zealous.
For the record, I banned Dr. James because everyone asked me to -- he was a jerk on the forums.
Additionally, in interest of full disclosure, you should know that I also club baby seals. Man, I'm deplorable.