Dear Poopreport,

Like any normal human being, I cherish a good poop. But I suffer from an extreme fear of pooping in public. I can clench for hours until my legs go numb and sweat beads form at my brow. I have gone to great lengths to avoid pooping when others are around. Relationships have been ruined because I abruptly leave restaurants and friends' homes. My career is taking a beating because I mysteriously vanish for long periods of time to embark on an often futile search for the perfect bathroom. I am beginning to isolate myself from friends and family who have normal pooping behaviors.