I have always been proud of my ability to create a masterfully stinky shit; but this story puts my prowess in perspective. I am a doctor with a fairly small office in a small town. One day, an elderly lady patient came in for an appointment. As this person was waiting in the waiting room, she asked to use the bathroom. Our shitter, incidentally, is small and located directly in the middle of the office.

I was in the middle of seeing another patient when I heard a small, soft moaning: "Hellllppppp." I asked the receptionist to check on her and went back to the patient I was seeing. A minute later, my receptionist came rushing into my operatory, completely hysterical. I pulled her off to the side and asked what was wrong. She said the patient shit all over the place!

"What?" I said.

She said it was everywhere... on the floor, on the walls, down her legs... a shit catastrophe!

After some heated argument, I got her to go back in there and start cleaning up. Eventually I dismissed my current patient and as I made my way toward the bathroom to evaluate the hazardous waste spill, my nose was attacked. My stomach contracted and I needed every ounce of strength to keep from puking. I ran as fast as I could to get away. I realized the next patient -- the last of the morning -- was waiting out in the waiting room. So I bolted out there and told him he better just leave, and that we would call him to reschedule.

By now the foul, foul odor was heading towards me in the waiting room. I held my breath and ran around looking for a patient mask. I slipped one on, but it was powerless against the odor. Then, remembering a trick from Med school, I put some mouthwash on some gauze and stuffed it in my mask. It had some effect -- but the entire office was now consumed in the most wretched and putrid odor known the civilized world.

I began to open every door and window in the place. The receptionist cornered me, crying for me to help her. I firmly ordered her back into the combat zone to finish cleaning up.

The patient's pants, underwear and support hose were saturated with the stinky shit. The patient was ordering the receptionist to clean the support hose she had been wearing. I told the receptionist to double bag the clothes and put them outside. She did so and then, like a true champion, cleaned the shit out of the patient's butt crack and legs. It was shit like I had never seen -- pure black, with diarrhea-like consistency.

The odd thing is: the receptionist didn't even wear a mask. I theorize that the odor immediately killed off every olfactory nerve cell in her nose.

We gave the patient a pair of old scrub pants and sent her on her way. The patient had the nerve to be pissed because I wanted to reschedule her!

-- Dr. T