Improving The Automatic Office

I work in a modern building with all things automatic, including the toilet. One of my favorite stall techniques is to moisten a Charmin square and make it stick to the wall, covering the evil red electronic auto-flush Cyclops LED. Otherwise, ours work so well that by the time you've barely stood up, the auto-flush has whisked away your brown torpedoes before you can even throw an over-the-shoulder admiring glance. Who invented this device? I hope he/she is now unemployed!

On one of these trips, and after admiring my deposits, I neglected to pull the square off of HAL 9000, thereby leaving my Little Debbies for the next hapless person to pay that stall a visit. As I re-entered the restroom to remove the paper, I saw a guy stick his head in my stall, say a couple choice curse words, then sashay over to the handicapped stall to take care of his business. (Does that count as a Fly-By [1]?)

I slyly waited until I saw his pants drop to the floor to sneak into my stall and pull the square off the auto flusher. As I did this, I heard, "You bastard," whispered from the handicrapper. I ran from the restroom, stifling my laughter until I could get into the hallway.

This heart-thumping experience got me thinking of all the times I've walked by the restroom suggestion box without filling out a suggestion form. So here are a few of mine:

Install Post-It Notes in every stall so HAL 9000 can't read your ass lips and flush the fruits of your labor before you've paid them the proper homage.
Instead of having to tell your closest co-workers about your doodie-deeds, have the facilities team install a digital camera in the toilet. Prior to the flush, a photo would be snapped and immediately sent to the email inbox of your Pooping Friends Network.
Install an Emergency Override switch on the Auto Air Deodorant sprayer. A spray every five minutes just doesn't cut it!

While we're at it, let's create a little competition out of these frequent visits. We need to give HAL a little more power by letting him be the impartial jury in deciding the top 10 high scorers per stall. Scoring would be based upon:

The amount of water displaced by turd volume
The amount the bowl water temperature increased
How much turd surface area appeared above the waterline.

A score would be determined and high scorers could enter their initials in the stall via a data terminal, just like Donkey Kong! Scoring in the top three would result in an immediate notification of your Pooping-Friends network, so they can high-five you as you exit the restroom to the theme song of 2001: A Space Odyssey. And finally, after they're done admiring your handiwork, they can remove the Post-It!

-- David Snook