Poop: Possibly residing on a hotel television remote near you

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So you just arrived to a hotel destination after a 16-hour, one-layover flight from Hell. You are tired. Your clothes are clinging to body residue from that long trip through three airport terminals, sitting on your ass in a small space for long stretches of time, and a taxi ride on the Autobahn that had you thinking mortality while fear sweat oozed from your pores. You are ready to check into a clean room to unwind.

You payed a high price for a queen-sized, one-bedroom overlooking the Rhine. You enter the room. Everything looks sparkling clean; the bedding looks as tight as a snare drum head. There's even a packaged mint garnishing on top of the bed spread.

You draw the window curtains to scenery Goethe probably wrote about. The bathroom and all the accessories are immaculately placed. The towels are hung in perfect alignment and the packaged eucalyptus soaps, shampoos, and skin moisturizers are fragrantly pleasing, so much so that you will definitely stash a bunch during your stay to take home.

You turn on a powerful shower that quickly turns the room into a sauna. You wash away all that body grime to the sound of your voice wailing the Scorpions "No One Like You." You emerge and roam around the room, drying off, and taking another look out the window. Your naked body is one with the Rhineland. You are refreshed and hop on the bed to turn on the television and relax to some obscure American situation comedy dubbed in German. But as you reach for the remote control and notice something is not right.

You sniff the air, trying to identify a quaint odor. You take a close look at the remote, and there is is, the source--an almost unnoticeable smidgen: poop. Everything was perfect until that moment.

In an attempt to develop better hotel room cleaning practices, researchers at the University of Houston, Purdue University, and the University of South Carolina found fecal bacterium E- coli in 81 percent of hotel room surfaces from swab samples. Even though the study was limited to hotels in three states in the U.S., one can only imagine ineffective hotel room sanitation practices extending to lands far and wide.

While study is an eyebrow-raiser, the average person has a healthy enough human immune system to stave off potential contamination and resulting sickness. Still, the findings should serve as a wake-up call for hotel management. With the onslaught and influence of cyber hotel guest reviews, a discovery of fecal residue from a guest could make or break a hotel's reputation even when no outbreak occurred.

As for our tired traveler on the Rhine, let's change the story and assume the television remote and all other corners and crevices in the room were fecal-free. But one must still wonder: Who and how, and what practice, lead to fecal residue in such curious hotel room places?

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4 Comments on "Poop: Possibly residing on a hotel television remote near you"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

An excellent article, TTBL! We have seen our share of hotel and motel rooms as a military family.

One of the worst was in Alexandria, Louisiana. The carpet was fucked, and there were people milling around our car by the time we had entered our room, looking in the windows. Mr. daphne found another room in less than 20 minutes of searching the strip, and that 20 minutes cost us the entire night's stay. The manager was such a piece of shit that she felt 20 minutes was worth the entire night. I think she knew how bad the room was and needed the money. We did not have a credit card yet, and so we could not dispute the charge.

And two years ago Mr. daphne stayed in a hotel by the airport up here in Seattle, and he came home with a huge bedbug bite on his forehead. The bathroom was leaking into the closet, and there were water stains everywhere.

This charge we did dispute, because another piece of shit manager refused to give a discount for the room's condition or the third eye that ended up growing out of Mr. daphne's forehead.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I think the worst hotel I ever stayed in was in Trenton, New Jersey. I had just returned from Iceland and couldn't get a train to Nashville until the next day. Air travel was not that popular way back then and trains were not only cheaper but more fun also.

I had to share the room with an army of cockroaches and sleep on a bed that was covered with a sheet that, judging from the abundance of pecker tracks, had been the arena for a number of sexual encounters without benefit of a towel under the ass. Luckily this was in the days before AIDS had been invented.

I don't think there was a phone or TV so the dried splooge was a much bigger threat to my health than shit smears. There was a glass in the bathroom and I had a gallon of duty free whiskey but I decided it was prudent to drink straight from the bottle.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Good story, but you have to realize that coliforms are pretty much everywhere. You really can't avoid coming in contact with them and most strains of E. coli are totally harmless--some are even beneficial and live in our intestinal tract as part of healthy flora. If you are very creeped out by that, just always wash your hands before eating or touching your mouth/eyes/nose.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Anonymous's picture

Great article!

Although there is problem with e-coli, and other dangerous bacteria, at any given time we have about 10 times more bacteria on us, or in us, than there are cells in our body. If someone were to scoop you up in a bag, and measure all the DNA in the bag, it would be 90% bacterial DNA. When we think of "ourselves", we rarely consider the fact that we are mostly bacteria.