I'm a very regular guy. I get into the office around 9:30 every morning, eat a bagel and drink some OJ, and then have my coffee. And every morning, almost exactly at 11:15, I go to the bathroom to take my morning poo.
There is something about my body that loves to be regular. When I was in college, I would poo at
exactly the same time every weekday. I hung out in the Orange Source [1] office during the afternoon, and the SECOND I stepped into the office,
the poo urge would hit me. It was inevitable. (And yet somehow, my poo urge knew when it was the
weekend, for I had a completely different Saturday/Sunday poo schedule.)
And even though I'm out in the real world, nothing has changed. Like clockwork, I poo three times
a day -- morning, afternoon (around 4:00) and just before bed.
The problem with pooing here in the office is that the bathroom is out across the lobby, on the
other side of the receptionist's desk. Which means the receptionist gets to keep track of the
bathroom habits of every member of my company. If only we could recruit her for PoopReport!
The receptionist knows all about my pooing habits. She probably sets her watch by me. I dread the
day
I have spicy Mexican food for lunch... I wonder what she'll think when she sees my sweating forehead
as I pass her desk back and forth five times an hour?
We should give her a camera. Imagine the facial expressions she must see -- people with worried,
pained looks on their faces as they march stiffly towards the bathroom, only to emerge fifteen minutes
later with a swagger and a goofy grin.
All the things Michelle could help us discover! For instance, is there any correlation between poo
habits and rank in the company? Who spends more time in the bathroom -- the intern or the CEO? Who
poops the most in the company? Gosh, all the fascinating information dear Michelle could provide! I
must recruit her!
Ah, Michelle. What a PoopReporter you could be.
(And here's another interesting question -- what would my boss do if he found out how much time I
spend working on PoopReport every day at work? Hee hee) Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [3]!
--Dave [2]