I'm not talking about being three years old, and calling for Mommy -- I mean, suppose you were an adult and for some reason were unable to do it yourself? Humiliating? Duh! But once you get past that, you'd be surprised at the things you notice.

A few years ago, I was seriously injured and spent several weeks in a rehab hospital. My arms weren't working very well at the time (I've since recovered), and I had to depend on the nurses for practically everything -- including what they called "toileting." I must have had a dozen different people wipe my bum during that period, and interestingly enough, they probably had a dozen different ways of doing it.

As you might expect, there were some who were grossed out by the job. One nurse, a somewhat overweight and naturally grouchy woman, would take a deep breath, give you one hard swipe with a giant wad of TP, and then she was gone. When she was on duty, I always knew that my underpants were going to have more skid marks than the Pasadena Freeway. She's the same woman who thought her patients could really do it themselves, and seemed to think that asking her to take care of this task for us was simply proof of our laziness or perversion.

On the other hand, the majority of the nurses were pretty meticulous. They obviously just viewed it as a job to be done and were determined to do it as thoroughly as necessary. There were two or three who seemed to need to make about ten passes and use half a roll of paper in the process. One of them always finished with a vigorous back and forth "buffing" rhythm, as if she needed to sand the rough edges off of my sphincter.

The best of the lot was a young male nurse who simply did the job quickly and efficiently and finished with a warm damp towel which he promptly dumped into the soiled linen bag.

I always wondered, but was too shy to ask, if they used the same techniques on themselves that they did on their patients.