It all started Sunday afternoon. I entered the bathroom with electric razor in hand, to shave my face. Upon completion, I opened up the razor over the toilet like I always do and proceeded to dump out my whiskers. I had the 2 inch wide triangular plastic cover for the razor in hand, and it slipped and fell into the toilet. The toilet contained urine (not mine) and a lot of toilet paper, so in a haste I decided to just flush it.
Big mistake.
Later that day the toilet was still flushing, but incorrectly. The water would fill up the bowl and then slowly go down.
On Monday at lunchtime I came home for my noontime shit. At work I have access to an empty office building and can easily go over there to shit in peace, but due to the hot temperatures of late I am too lazy to walk over there. Also I seem to be in such a routine of going home at noon to shit. Anyway, I took my dump and after wiping three times, I overflowed the toilet. I got out the plunger, and after a while I got the shit down. The toilet worked Monday night and Tuesday morning but it was still slow.
On Tuesday at noon I went to shit in it again. This time it was clogged for good. Tuesday after work I bought some drain opener that is safe for toilets, but it didn't work. While at the store, my wife and daughter back at home had to shit. My wife, who recently had asshole surgery, was in possession of a sitz bath, so she placed the thing over the toilet and first my daughter, then my wife shit in it. When I got home, my wife was exiting the wooded area behind our yard after having dumped her "bowl of shit".
This morning I woke up at 5 AM with the urge to shit. I have been eating alot of vegetables and salad to clean out my system, and boy does it ever! Well, my wife was in the bathroom at this time, shitting on her sitz bath (now her "shitz" bath), and I was wandering around aimlessly figuring out where to dump MY load.
I went outside to let the dog out and here comes my wife running out the door with a bowl of stinky shit, heading for the woods. I didn't want to use the sitz bath -- it grossed me out. I didn't want to smell my wife's shit.
I thought of opening the garage and shitting in an empty box, but I decided against it. I had to shit bad, so I walked into the kitchen and squatted over the garbage can. The can is almost three feet tall, so I hardly had to squat. It was filled with trash up to the top and once I started shitting I couldn't stop. It was a BIG stinky steaming load, very soft. It reminded my of a huge pile of chocolate soft serve ice cream. I always piss when I shit, so I peed in the garbage also. It stunk so bad, I wiped my asshole twice with paper towels and then quickly closed the garbage bag and put it in the garbage can outside. When I came in it still stuck something fierce.
Something drastic needed to be done. I got dressed and went up to Home Depot (which opens at 6 AM) and bought a toilet snake and a bigger-and-better plunger then what I was using. I got home and snaked it out for an hour, but it still wasn't working correctly.
My next step is to take off the toilet and clean the trap. My toilet is a piece of shit, so I am going to just replace the whole thing. I am leaving work at 2 PM today and a buddy of mine is coming over to help me install this toilet and drink a case a beer. Wish me luck.
I have learned from this experience to never take your toilet for granted. Sure, you can live without one, but not happily.
-- Doniker [1]
Editor's Note: I received this email from Doniker a few days after this was written:
"Update: I got the new toilet installed that day and it works great. I can
again shit with confidence!!"
Like Doniker? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [2]!