It was a dark and stormy night -- literally -- and I was at home with some friends, watching some show on TV. Right when I was getting really into the show, I heard my cellphone ring. I look down at the caller ID and saw that it was my friend Amanda. It was about 1:30 AM, so I was pretty much expecting this call, because Amanda is scared to walk from her car into her house after dark without being on the phone with someone; and that someone is usually me. I figured I'd answer because I really don't have to pay attention to her -- I just have to be on the phone.

I answered the phone and made a little small talk and asked her where she was. She said she was on the freeway trying to get home in a hurry. I asked her why she was rushing and she said that she had to shit so bad she could already smell it. I laughed and told her to stop at a gas station, but she said that everything was closed. So I kinda drifted off into the TV show I was watching and ignored her.

Most people, when they watch TV, usually sit in a normal position. Not me. I was sitting on the edge of the back of the couch, not really sitting, but laying uncomfortably -- why, I don't know. I was getting really into the show when all of a sudden I heard, "OH NO, oh no, oh no, OH SHIT! ANDREW, I JUST SHIT MY PANTS!"

Now, hearing someone say that over the phone when you're not paying attention can be very devastating, especially when you are lying in a position that requires a certain amount of control over your body to keep from falling. I laughed so hard that I fell off the couch and hit the back of my head on the sharp corner of the end table next to it.

The back of my head is bleeding, and I am so dizzy, and I am laughing hysterically because not only did she just shit her pants, she was wearing a thong -- and it was diarrhea. I can remember her saying that the shit was rolling down her leg into her sock and the smell was so bad she had to roll down the window and it was really cold outside.

She finally made it home and said she would call me back.

About twenty minutes later, she called me back after she washed up. I casually asked her if she threw her pants and thong into the wash. No -- and what she actually did baffled me beyond belief. She said that she put her thong in a grocery bag and put the bag on her back porch. Then she left her poop-crusted pants on the washing machine with a note to her mother that read, "Mom, I shit pants, I'm sorry. Love, Amanda." And then she told me that this wasn't the first time she shit her pants that year -- earlier, right before our senior year ended, she shit her pants in the school parking lot before class. She ended up taking the day off.

In conclusion, we will never know what happened to the shitty thong, for the grocery bag mysteriously disappeared the next day. Let this be a warning: don't wear a thong when you have diarrhea; and, if you do, don't leave it on your back porch. You may never see it again!

-- Ketchupnpoop