I envy people who send in stories to PoopReport about how they can go into a public bathroom and fart and blow mud loudly in front of others without feeling embarrassed.
On a normal workday I shit at home in the morning, and then go to work and drink a lot of coffee. This gets my bowels moving, but 9 out of 10 times I wait until I go home at lunchtime before I squeeze out a loaf -- no matter how painful things get.
Well, today I had a 12:00 appointment to sign my new mortgage papers. The title company was about 25 miles from where I work, so my plans were to leave at 11:30, jump on the turnpike, get to the title place at noon, grab a fast food lunch, get back on the turnpike and return to work for a one o'clock meeting.
First off, I didn't shit good this morning. And after several cups of coffee I was ready to explode by 11:00. I told myself that I had to shit, and right then. I boogied to the men's room, ready for action, looking as always under stalls for feet as soon as I entered.
At first, things looked good. I started to unbutton my pants when all of a sudden there was a co-worker pissing at a urinal! He turned slightly and gave me a glance but I steeled myself to keep moving as I entered the handicrapper stall. I couldn't believe I did it -- I didn't turn and run like a pussy. I felt liberated.
But looking down at the toilet I was disheartened; it was full of toilet paper and the seat was less than spotless. I wiped it with toilet paper and gave it a flush, standing there confused in my new jail cell. I had to shit bad and it had to be now; and I couldn't switch stalls because my co-worker would see me. So I went against my beliefs and sat my ass down on the tainted seat.
My co-worker moved to the hand washing stage as I let go of a huge 12-inch U-shaped log. I felt like I was home free -- I figured by the time I was ready to wipe this guy would be gone. But just at that moment another co-worker entered the bathroom and jumped into a stall!
A slight wave of panic struck me. Should I sit and stay, or try to rush and run? I had to go to my appointment -- what if this guy was in there for a while? I didn't know what to do, but I had to think fast.
I stood up to wipe -- yes, I am a stander -- and I don't know if it was nerves or what, but I got this strong urge to fart. Now I was even more confused -- did I still have more poop in me? This guy in the stall doesn't know who I am right now -- should I fart? Can I fart and get out before he sees me? Should I try to wait him out -- but what if he is in there forever? What if he is Shameful and we both sit here for eternity?
I made the decision to hold my fart, wipe and run. I didn't even wash my hands; I got out unseen and made it to my appointment by noon.
Yes, I am still Shameful, but somehow I see even this as a slight improvement.
-- Doniker [1]
Like Doniker? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production [2]!