Feek And Destroy

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PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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A few days ago, I took my kidney candy to a small, dirty, depressing, (and hence) seldom-used men's room on the other side of our large office building. It was supposed to be just a run-of-the-mill trip to the pisser -- a chance to clear my head and bladder, stretch my legs, and gain some time and distance from the dream factory that is my work cubicle. Little did I know it would become the site of a watershed moment in the annals of workplace potty karate, as well as a test of my moral character.

A test which I would fail dismally.

I was rinsing the soap off my hands when the restroom door abruptly flew open. In lumbered customer service representative Mr. X, a wondrous mass of pink flesh boasting the chiseled physique of a beanbag chair and a gut that bore silent witness to a diet focused on quantity. Underneath tufts of heavy gray beard was a jaw set in determination.

Our eyes only met for a split second, but so help me I knew the look in those eyes: single-minded of purpose, hyper-alert, escalating terror bordering on shrieking insanity.

No pleasantries were exchanged, no movements wasted as he bypassed the two urinals and made a beeline for -- oh dear -- The Stall.

Home to the only chunk dumpster in the restroom, The Stall is treated with the macabre reverence of a grisly murder scene, going unvisited by all but a few thrill-seekers, the naïve, or the hopelessly desperate. With its cramped quarters, amphitheater-like projection of anal pyrotechnics, and absurd proximity to the phalanx of customer service representatives stationed just outside the restroom door, The Stall is a menacing crapper that recognizes no station in life, affords no mistakes, harbors no secrets. Quite simply, The Stall can fuck up your day in the blink of an unpuckered eye.

The burly beast shimmied past me and into The Stall with a condensed, measured stride, calling to mind a pigeon-toed sasquatch who'd just endured violent anal congress with a fire hydrant. His belt buckle clinked hard against the tiles as his pants were whipped to the floor, followed by a resounding THUD! as his corpulence plummeted to the seat. No seat wipe-down was performed, and rightfully so. This was a man mere moments away from reducing his crotch to a sagging hammock of septic steak sauce. This was a man in the frenzied, I'm-coming-for- your-shoes stage of Restless Log Syndrome.

This was a man in need of some alone time.

But I'm a PoopReporter, goddamnit, and I was clearly in the presence of greatness -- a wizard of the dark magics, a conjurer of unholy tailpipe demons, a shithouse sorcerer about to conduct a brown mass. It was my obligation to document the release of the swollen wonders gestating within Mr. X's digestive catacombs, to breathe deep the noxious, forbidden vapors that organic chemists and long haul-truckers only whisper about in the shadows.

Then again, I'm also a despicable bastard, and opportunities like this don't present themselves very often. Consumed by a sudden sense of purpose, I scorned the paper towel dispenser and made for the door. If I timed this just right…

"C'mon, big boy, " I silently pleaded.

My timing was impeccable. Just as I opened the door, his unclenched gash released its torment. An air-splitting concussive boom that made Hiroshima look like a fuckin' spring onion festival caromed off the bowl and into the collective consciousness of a dozen or so of his co-workers. This worrisome blast was immediately followed by a most shocking burst of spastic colorectal gibberish that crackled and spattered in fragmented pulses, like Morse Code being sent via hot bacon grease.

This was no dump. This was a declaration.

(Of what? I have no fucking idea.)

But it was only the opening statement in what proved to be a glorious sermon.

Driven by insatiable demons, I pulled the door open to its maximum capacity. The leviathan responded in kind by bearing down with the bold, uncompromising authority only three-hundred-and-forty-plus pounds of concentrated fury can muster. His semi-solid waste retention levees were atomized instantly. A savage torrent of non-cohesive metabolic netherslop gushed from his wretched hellmouth and into the waters below. The powerful current plundered all in its path, apparently wrenching untapped seams of entrenched gastrointestinal plaque and impacted trunkgunk from their anchorages. The accompanying soundtrack suggested something incredibly vast -- the fabric of space/time, maybe, or a lengthy span of his excretory musculature -- being ripped to shreds.

Heads turned. Eyes bulged. Jaws dropped. All chatter with our insufferable customers ceased.

But just when I thought this egregious act of voluntary canslaughter had reached its comedic zenith came the capper: "UUNNRRRGGGHHH!" -- A primitive, animalistic moan/roar that predated human language, yet managed to convey a complex range of feelings and emotions: despair and anguish, relief and fear, exhilaration and exhaustion. Nobility, thy name is Mr. X!!

The door closed behind me. Frozen with mouths agape, every customer service rep trained their incredulous gaze on me. Clearly nothing in their vocational training had prepared them for this affront, although a gallant few had the presence of mind to shield the mouthpiece on their headset so as not to transmit the madness over federally-regulated communication lines.

Struggling mightily to contain my jubilation, I played the hapless victim of circumstance, registering my disgust and indignation at being caught up in this horrible "accident" by making a sour face and hightailing it out of there.

Reaction among Mr. X's colleagues then broke along gender lines. The female reps, their bourgeois notions of "privacy" and "decency" having been sonically curb-stomped, appeared to be gripped by a wave of black-biled nausea. Of particular note was the poor elderly woman sitting closest to the restroom door. As the realization that the line between man and beast was being obliterated less than ten yards from where she worked sank in, her revulsion was such that her face creased up in a wrinkly mass rivaling a Shar-Pei's nutsack after a lengthy bath.

The men, of course, simply began laughing their fool heads off.

As did I, once I'd cleared the vicinity and returned to my cubicle. I had pulled it off: a flawless execution of the ol' Urinate/Anticipate/Humiliate/Nauseate/Evacuate.

There was only one thing left to do.

Celebrate.

39 Comments on "Feek And Destroy"

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

I'm frequently flabberghasted at the narrative power and colourful verbosity of Mr Gasputin, but this is pulp shiterature of the highest quality. Gasputin I bow, click my heels and salute your comic writing genius.

"...a wondrous mass of pink flesh boasting the chiseled physique of a beanbag chair and a gut that bore silent witness to a diet focused on quantity..." - beautiful.

Maximus Poopius's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Awesome.

This is so good it should have been serialised as there's just so much excellece to take in.

We are not worthy......


_______
The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

The tiger stripes you left in my toilet are just not acceptable

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I bow down once more before you Gasputin. This was wonderfully written. You left me wondering however as to what happened when Mr. X finally emerged from the bathroom.

Mass of Pink Flesh Boasting Beanbag Chair Physique's picture

For some reason I found this story offensive.

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

I had to go and clean my teeth after reading this - I could practically taste the air in there!
I too wondered what happened when the clueless Mr X exited the arena.

Poopsy McGee's picture
l 100+ points

My eyes are shining with joy after reading this story. Thank you, thank you Gasputin!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Once again Gasputin we lesser mortals must bow before the mighty prowess of your pen. Good job!


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I predict... this one will be PoopReport of the Year!


_______
Piece Out!
Crapola

Piece Out!
Crapola

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Just when I thought I'd gotten over my inferiority complex, this fucker shows up with another gem...bastard...


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Awsome! I had to stop reading a few times because I was laughing so hard. A++

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

A Smiley face and gold stars for your excellent poopreport. We had a guy in the men's room not too long ago. A customer, and our male emlployees who were in there went into our back room area and laughed their asses off, saying the guy was moanin & groanin like he was gonna give birth, And when he did unload, the guys said it was such a sound from this man, it was otherwordly one guy said.

cornleg's picture
l 100+ points

GASPUTIN, YOU ARE AN EVIL GENIUS. Very- VERY nicely played sir! Mr.X sounds like a hell of a guy; almost makes you wish you knew the fella...
_______
Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Don't move the truck I'm still on the bucket!

Jeff9's picture

You are the god of gastrontology! What they need in those facilities are hand bidet sprayers to wash that badboy down with. Eco-friendly, and oh so kind to your behind the handheld bathroom bidet sprayer from www.bathroomsprayers.com can handle any situation. It almost eliminates the need for toilet paper, offers vastly superior cleaning, convenience and in addition has many health benefits. Comes in a kit that can be installed without a plumber.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

You self-plugging minx, you.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

This should be sent to Oliver Stone as the first part of a screen play !

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I really enjoyed this story and is my favorite one of Gasputin's yet.

I hope he comes back to read comments, because I have a question - Gasputin, after this, did Co-worker Beanbag know what had happened? Does he now hate you?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

"A savage torrent of non-cohesive metabolic netherslop gushed from his wretched hellmouth and into the waters below"

Wow. I sit in awe (but do not shit for fear you'd hold the damn door open.)

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

What a lovely story to return on. Since i am now ruuning a small dialysis clinic i cant laugh too loud. But i did laugh and read it with a continuous smile. Thanks Gasputin for another of your talented way of reporting on poop. Please tell what happened after the belly guy came out...or did you not leave your cubicle to find out.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

This was a match made in heaven: the relentless and infinitely varied expulsions that issued from Pink Flesh's flab-pressurized drain hole, filtered through the feckless neural connectors in Gasputin's gatling-gun brain to produce a pock-riddled account iced with blood spatter.

Dave, put him under contract.

Logjam

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

My analyst was making great headway with my inferiority complex until I read this. Now I know that I don't have a complex, I am just inferior.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

Really good story
_______
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

...her revulsion was such that her face creased up in a wrinkly mass rivaling a Shar-Pei's nutsack after a lengthy bath. Thsi comment sent me into the final frenzy of laughter.

(I'm stilll laughing!!!!!) Did she survive? Call in sick? At least, she HAD to have asked to be moved! Ugh!


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points

Dicionary entry:

INFERIORITY COMPLEX (n):
1. an acute sense of personal inferiority often resulting either in timidity or through overcompensation in exaggerated aggressiveness

Do Bilgepump and ChiefThunderbutt fit into the "timid" category or the "overcompensation in exaggerated aggressiveness" category?


_______
To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Gasputin, you are my hero.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

He's in the leaaaaaaaad for Poop Report of 2009! Outstanding story sir!
_______
AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Gasputin's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Thanks to all for the nice comments.
To answer a few of the questions posed, I was long gone by the time Mr. X emerged from his private Hell and have not been inclined to initiate discussion about his emergence with earwitnesses since it might cast doubt upon my innocence in the matter. I guess I'm not an investigative Poop Reporter.
I doubt that anyone said anything to Mr. X when he finally did exit for three reasons:
1) Mr. X is reputedly something of a loner and not the sweetest grape to grow on the vine.
2) Mr. X has not sucker-punched me in the face.
3) Exactly what would a co-worker say? "Hey, I couldn't help but hear you downchucking in there. Way to go, man!"?
Suffice it to say that I crack up every time I see the man. As far as I know, he's blissfully unaware of his celebrity-status both aat work and on PR. And I feed on the knowledge that because of my lowly, split-second decision, Mr. X's thirty plus-years of service will, for some, be forever defined by four to five seconds of anal arsonry.

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Dear Gas,

You are the Wizard of words. The picture and sound painted by your words made me think and hear of the sound made by a WWII pulse jet rocket....the sound right before the engine cut out and the rocket would dive to earth.

Merc Returns's picture

Ive been away for awhile, but my glorious return to the halls of stank were heralded by this fine piece of scatature.

I dont know this author, but this is the darn funniest thing I've ever read here!

The ripping the excreatory musculatore comment was the zenith.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Bran, i would not consider Chief or Bilge timid by no means. Butt, overcompensation and exaggerated aggressivess, yes, sometimes but not always.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Poo in the shoe's picture

Gasputin, you put all other PRs to shame. I happened to come across this website on accident (I am a student pharmacist and was doing research) and by what I like to call destiny, this was the first story I read from this site. After laughing so hard that tears came to my eyes (and at multiple times throughout the story mind you), you left me wanting more. However, you set the standard so high that all the other PRs felt so inferior compared to yours. Please post some more stories as I am now addicted to all of your literary masterpieces!

Bootycakes's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I find it very interesting(disturbing)that you hung out with him the entire time.

Bootycakes

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bootycakes (I love that name) sometimes as Poop Reporters we have to do some...er interesting things in the name of journalism.

SmudgePot's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Thank you, Gasputin, for teaching me not to casually sip hot liquids while reading your fine shiterature. My monitor thanks you too.

Hussein_alicious's picture

Never thought I'd enjoy reading about the anal relieving volcanic eruptions Mr. Gasputin whips up. This piece is like verbal laxative and I almost feel like printing a copy to keep near the toilet as a way of cheering me on into inducing a glorious number two. Well done.

Gasputin Fan's picture

Urinate/Anticipate/Humiliate/Nauseate/Evacuate.

That's just great!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

A year has passed and I still hate this bastard.


_______
"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

How did we overlook this gem when selecting the Poop Report of the year for 2009. Sorry Scumbag.....


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Wow, please submit to National Crapographic.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


Gasputin....score me some of that wacky weed your on. I wonder what a Gasputin ventuiliquist doll would look like?_

______
Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

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