Wow! Gross! I would have taken a baseball bat to the disgusting blob of blubber. No doubt she was on medicare and this was all on the taxpayers too. This is a well written but vile story. I'm going to puke now. Then I'm going to eat it.

Was this patient conscious at the time? If so, what was her reaction? Did she apologize? Try to help clean up? Laugh hysterically? What a horrifying story. I don't know how you handled it without vomiting or fainting. I would never feel clean again.

You probably got some of it into your system through your eyes. It is a wonder you didn't get an infection.

I've heard stories about digging remote controls out of people's flab before, but always thought they were urban legands. This story, however, has the ring, and the stench, of truth about it.

Dumpster, here is an urban legends link like you mention.

http://www.snopes.com/medical/emergent/couch.htm

OMG! I'm laughing and crying at the same time! It must have been a "gimme" when you went to create a moniker for this site! And I love that you use the word caca; it's such a friendly term! :)

I would also like to know the patient's reaction. Great story. Comparing poop to food, is always a little gut wrenching. Your use of "icing" was particularly so.

SamDamnit!
Rectum Rector
of
The Church of Poop
http://www.myspace.com/saintcarnivean

I hate to laugh at your plight, but this was an excellent tale. You have my sympathy.

That is why there has to be a special place in Heaven for nurses.Anybody who has to tolerate that type of shit is entitled to an eternal reward.I hope Jesus reads Poop Report.

I read this while eating a tasty raspberry turnover, warmed just right in the microcwave. As I thoughtfully chew this delightful treat, I am both shocked and amazed that I am not puking its fruity goodness into the nearby waste can.

Amazing tale, Poopmonster. And you earned that physician's wife status after paying such extreme dues.

I feel sorry for that woman. No one should be that fat and filthy, and have such a grotesque disorder. But the story is priceless.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Nice story, but bad attitude.

So, you lasted a couple of weeks as a nurses aid, tucked tail, dropped out, snagged a rich doctor, and live a life or privilege now?

Not only that, but when he comes home from an exhausting day, you bring up ONE incident that happened to you 20 years ago, and then tell him to get his ass into the kitchen and wash the dishes?

I think she was using comedic license there to wrap up the story.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

My GOd!

I woulda shot that bitch.

Hey Trudy K get your facts straight. Firstly this person became an C.N.A., you don't do that in five minutes, second she had been on the job over a year when this happened and thirldy she's only been married at most for 5 years tops, so take you negative attitude and criticism elsewhere asshole, this was a story well told of a shockingly common ordeal that people in the nursing fraternity suffer. And I admire the fact she can keep her sense of humor about this whole thing and throw it in her husbands face.

Whenever I lose the remote I will think of this story, and retch.

Yes, I think poopmonster was being ironic when she said that she was a "very successful doctor's wife."

By the way, can you buy this golytly over the counter? I could use a good flush out once in a while but I am not going to go the "Malibu High Colonic" method, even though I live in Socal.

C Everett Poop, I knew you were full of shit, thanks for admitting it.

Wow, and I thought crapping in my dad's pockets when I was a baby was bad.

That was an indescribably vile story, but your sense of humour was wonderful. Do you have problems cleaning up fecal matter now? Like poo-PTSD? Or is it more of a 'Haha, I remember the time I was sprayed with butt fudge'?

Wow.. Pretty sure I would have vomited all over then passed out. Horrible, absolutely horrible. Again, just another tale of how nurses are the greatest thing in the medical profession. I respect any person who jumps in the line of fire like a nurse.

GoLytely may be the best damned practical joke substance known to humankind. It could very easily be subbed for a bottle of mineral water...

ExLax has been dethroned by a clear liquid! No more ExLax brownies. Now we have a water impersonator that could be snuck in anywhere.

Okay, I'm done with that. Don't want to encourage any acts of TT.
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

I think you reacted quite professionally. I on the other hand would have screamed "MOMMY" like a little girl and ran puking through the halls while stripping off my clothes heading for the first shower or water fixture I could find. I respect nurses a great deal. The thought of the blubber lady is repulsive and almost a retched as the poo eruption you experienced.

I can imagine a poo spray on a wall with the outline of a human body in the middle. Like a scene from CSI or a crime show!! Cheers to a great story!! Poop Shooter

God bless the people who can put up with that stuff. I, too, would like to know the reaction of the patient.

By the way, Poopmonster, if I were your boss I'd have sent you home.

I agree. The boss that would not let you go home should have cleaned up the mess at least while you showered. I hope you got her/him back.

Anyone 450 pounds or over doesn't deserve to live. They obviosly don't have a job, and are living off MY tax money.

Anyone who has a medical problem that makes them fat is excluded.

I have been reading poop reports so long that I read this entire thing whilst eating my dinner and did not even flinch. That doesn't mean that it wasn't insanely gross, though! A remote! A piece of cheese! I'll never wrap my mind around that, and I do have to declare that I agree wholeheartedly with C Everett on this one. The thought that my hard-earned tax dollars go to support the medical problems of people who bring it upon themselves by becoming giant remote-control-engulfing slobs makes me want to retch more than the poop itself.

As far as Golytely, I remember that Mr. Blaster had to drink it once before a medical procedure, and it tasted ridiculously nasty. So using it as a prank wouldn't work, because even if it is colorless and odorless, it sure as hell isn't tasteless. I also remember that he did manage to choke down a good bit of it and it didn't really make him go. He is a normal-sized man. Maybe that stuff just doesn't have an effect on some people.

Oh, and I have to ask, what was this woman's mental condition?

Dammit, KOC, you posted that while I was typing. You said "Anyone 450 pounds or over doesn't deserve to live. They obviosly don't have a job"

That's not necessarily true. While this woman was no doubt unemployed, I work in a call center and there are several people working there who likely tip the scales at 400-500 lbs. There was one guy who would take his lunch break at the same time I did, and I would see him eat his lunch. A 12" Subway sub, chips, LARGE soda, and usually a plate of something homemade too. He ate as much in one sitting as I did in one whole day, if not more. It was nuts.

sorry, AB2K I forgot about call center people. I have seen some really fat call takers.

The lunch you just stated: that's a preety normal lunch for me too. (Maybe not the chips, dont want to get too fat)

Oh my God. I can't even imagine what that must have been like. I think were I in the shit sprayed condition of poopmonster I may just have become momentarily unhinged. Not opening the mouth to scream for fear of fecal ingestion was a very wise and self-possesed move in a horrible and shocking situation. Bravo!

I almost threw up al over my self, my computer, and my guitar reading this story. In fact I retched and this is why I don't intend to become either a doctor or a nurse.

Pooping like clockwork

AB2K, I can vouch for the fact that Golitely is not a recreational drink. I recently had to have a colonoscopy (required, as you know, as part of the secret PR initiation--oops, was I supposed to mention that?). Anyway, I had to drink about a gallon of that stuff the day before. It tastes like seawater mixed with Comet, and the only way I got it down was by stirring in some Crystal Lite lemonade mix (approved by the doc). Nevertheless, it was the most wretched stuff I have ever consumed, even including my Uncle Vernon's elderberry wine, and that is saying a LOT!

The stuff got to pouring out of my asshole so fast and uncontrollably, I just took off my clothes and laid down in the tub.

The glad outcome of the colonoscopy, however, was that the doc walked in and said, "Mr. Dumpster, you are a perfect asshole." What better credentials for a PoopReporter!!

I can't say that I'm surprised. Reading the story I also had a stomach of steel. Thank God I wasn't chosen to be a nurse.

Oh yeah, lots of fat fucks in call centers. I used to work in a building with a call center inside. This one fat fuck was probably 500 lbs and he would be in the shitter 2-3 times a day. Every time I went to take a piss he was heading to the handicapped stall. I always expected to hear the toilet collapsing under his weight.

Random thoughts: the outline of the person on the wall is almost like a cartoon--something you might see on Wile Coyote & The Roadunner. (Meep, meep!)

Also: I have the utmost respect for those who go into the nursing profession. It takes a certain temperament to be a caretaker, and despite the monstrous Nurse Ratched that Ken Kesey created in 'One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest,' most nurses are patient and empathetic. I know that I've never been in the hospital and received anything but TLC from any of them.

This horror story shows what they sometimes have to endure.

Like I said, I have the utmost respect for those who can care for others in the most challenging of circumstances. Hats off to you all.

I agree with a lot of the comments made, but I'm not sure if I'm down with the hating on people; obese or not. I know that most of these comments are made in good fun, but these are still people we're talking about. I'm not about to take a baseball bat to any of them or say that they don't deserve to live.

Sorry if I'm taking this stuff the wrong way or whatever. Just felt like I had to say it.

Well, you are taking it the worng way. I am always right. And Im seriois, if people cant take care of themsevles (Unless of course they are senoir citizens or toddlers) they dont need to be wasting my money.

A human cheese burger.

A quater-ton pounder with cheese.

Au Jus.

Ew.. call centers. I worked at one for a year once; I don't know whether it was the half-ton employees or the lazy high school assholes but at closing time the bathrooms were always destroyed. We never kept a janitor longer than a month.

While I got a great Pepsi-snorting laugh out of picturing the cartoonish human outline in poop, I notice there wasn't much mention of the smell. I imagine it would be beyond description, considering the described lack of bodily hygiene. I mean, cheese? I picture an individually wrapped Kraft single with mold all over it. Hats off to the nurses of the world! Still, I'd love to read about what it smelled like. Preferably on an empty stomach.

It's rather disheartening to hear a few of the people on here totally disregarding and openly diss'ing fat people. I'm not fat or even close, but I still can't openly rag on a specific group of people.

I do agree that some obese people do need to clean themselves up more, but just because of one obese woman, it appears there is a partial concensus to "hate" fat people just because they are fat. That's just not right in my opinion. (as my buddy Mike always used to say "Even Fat Chicks Need Love").

To think they should all "die".... rather tasteless even for this forum. I thought this was a happy family place to come and visit and discuss the essence of poop....not a hate mongoring group for "prejudice against fatties" club.

I mean, where would we be without the fat and obease people to add to the well loved stories we read and share here? Without the obese people, we would not realize how slim and fit we all really are (which I doubt). Without the heavyweights, who would the Big & Tall stores sell clothes to?? Who would use the handicapped toilets other than the actual handicapped people and Loo Lizards??

See, we should embrace the Obese of the world. Cherish them. If they were not here, the Earth may not be balanced and tip off it's axis. In closing, I just don't like seeing prejudice comments directed at spicific groups of people in open forum. Maybe just my problem, but I had to post my opinion. Peace in your Movements to All! Poop Shooter

I'm gonna have to agree with you, PS. Inside my mildly overweight middle-aged body, there is an enormous fatso yearning to get out. The only time I like to read about death on this site is when somebody is dying laughing, I hope over something I wrote!

Right on (and write on)

I'm not condoning wishing death upon people, and as some people on this site have seen in pictures I'm a little chunky myself, but not obese. However, I have to say this about dissing fat people. We can all agree here that making fun of other races, or mentally handicapped people, or people with birth defects is generally wrong because those people didn't choose to be in their condition. Ruling out people with thyroid conditions and whatnot, most obese people got there on their own by eating like the 500 lb guy at work I mentioned earlier. So therefore, I can't really feel bad for fatsos who get made fun of. If someone makes fun of me because I have short fingers (they're really stubby and people DO make fun of me for it), that's a little bit of a bummer, because I can't help it. If I bend over and someone says, "Damn, that's a big fat ass," well, I'm just gonna have to take it, because I chose to be a lazy fuck and eat too many cookies.

Tolerance, I think this is something we need to become more adept a practising. The obese have become the smokers now, cut them some slack, practice the teachings of Bob Dobbs, investigate the church of the sub genius and embrace the tenet of slack. http://www.subgenius.com/

Short fingers = small pussy, any truth to this mystery AB2K, is it like the guy thing, long fingers = longfellow? Perverted enquiring minds want to know.

Bunga, Mr. Blaster reads this site sometimes. Is your life insurance paid up?

Well, it sounds like Golytely will have to be mixed with strong coffee to be any use. Maybe we'll just "stick" with Crazy Glue and toilet seats... oops, been done.

PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Can't we all just get along?

An afterthought-
Doesn't it seem weird that a slice of American cheese wouldn't melt when stowed between folds of fat at 98.6 degrees F? Is American cheese so full of artificial ingredients (vinyl?) that it maintains form at all temperatures?
PooperGal
"Searching for the Origin of the Feces"

Very disgusting story. Regarding the cheese, I suspect it did melt but was confined to it's very own plastic wrapper. This tub-o-lard probably hadn't gotten off her ass in months, so there would be no physical activity to wreck the integrity of the wrapping. Also, I don't think American cheese really ever gets moldy (it's cheese in name alone) so it could have been there quite a while.

If it was swiss cheese, I'd say that this story is full of holes.

Also aside from the cheese, how big was the remote control? Poop Shooter

Let me answer some of your questions.

First, the patient's mental status was questionable. She didn't say much during the cleaning, but did moan a little just before she shat on me. At other times she was alert enough to ask for specific things, like her pain medications an ketchup. When I went back to her room after my shower she was asleep, but I'm pretty sure I noticed and evil smirk on her face.

As far as urban legends about things found in fat people's flesh, I'd heard them before (I remember one about a chihuahua) and didn't believe them myself until I was a CNA. This patient was a bit extreem but was not the only patient in whose folds I've found stuff. Most of it is just bread crums. Almost all people this big have some amount of mildew because they can never get entirely dry in there.

Oh, and the cheese was quite soft but not completely melted. It was probably a more recent addition to her collection.

By the way, nice to meet you Shit Monster. Maybe we're related!

Taking pain medication with ketchup? That explains a lot.

That is so horribly hilarious and beyond comprehension. I'd love to see it on an episode of ER, or have Mike Rowe re-enact it on Dirty Jobs. I think you are my hero for soldiering on through life after such trauma. It's a shame the incident wasn't captured on video. Perhaps you should have used the remote to turn her off before rolling her.

heh use the remote.

AB2K, why don't you answer Bunga's question?

I agree wit ya tho, b/c I kinda ate too much and i hate excercising, so it is my fault im fat.

KOC, 'cause it's none of Bunga's (or anyone else's here) business.

RE: the cheese.....my ds loves American cheese, but we buy the "deluxe" kind in a stack; it's NOT individually wrapped. If he forgets and leaves it on a paper plate somewhere (he's 2), it goes all stiff and crunchy, but doesn't decompose readily (Toddlers can hide stuff for a long time!). Maybe it was that kind, and it just dried out and formed to the pocket of fat in which it landed. BTW, if you can't seem to make a grilled cheese at home that's as good as a restaurant, try skipping that nasty, slimey, wrapped kind, and get the deluxe kind that just says "cheese" on the label, and not "cheese FOOD" or "cheese PRODUCT". Way, way, better! :)

Yeah dissing on fat people is racism. (Its not really racism because there is no Fatinese people but you know what i mean) If you feel like dissing on someone think up a hypothetical fat person and give him a name so you can be like "Why doesnt Jorge get off his overly large posterior and start being not fat and quit waisting my tax money!!!" Seriosly than you concentrate your rage on that until you find someone that fits the description of your hypothetical dummy.

AB2K, shouldn't that read "because it is none of Bunga's or anyone else here's business"?

She was just excited, Bunga.

Excited about what, DUmpster?

That Bunga's assertion may be true?

You know, my mom was a heavy gal, but she NEVER asked anyone for any special treatment because of it, and she knew it was only up to HER to decide to take the weight off or..... not. Notice that I speak of her in the past tense.

But it was her choice.

My goodness.. I'm still astonished by the fact that there was a remote control in her fat. I'm overweight myself, but I'm losing hte weight steadily.. my sister is about 400 lbs and she's never had that kind of problem.. she is very clean and has certainly never LOST anything in her fat rolls.

I think this person had poor hygine on top of their obesity.. obesity isn't an excuse for that.

The cheeeze was probably "government cheeze", Nothing melts that stuff! And it probably caused the backup in the first place!
Obese people have not reached the level of smokers until they are made to shit outside!

I give nurses and those who have "shit detail" at hospitals alot of credit. I'm a volunteer firefighter/EMT and have taken my share of poopy people to hospitals. Cleaning them isn't part of the job of getting them there. We really aren't equipped to do it, but will try to make them comfortable during transport. The one hospital we go to, the nurses are almost FAMOUS for being mean to everyone - patients, families, EMS. When I deliver a poopy one there, it's kinda hard to not think of it as God's revenge for them being bitches.

This is another one my son NEEDS to read.

He's interested in hospital nursing. As a one-time "didn't quite make it" premed I totally support the idea, but want him to be CERTAIN of what he's getting into ... major poop!!

Unfortunately my best ER story is a urine-fest, not a poop-fest. (I was a pre-med volunteer in a county hospital) Otherwise I'd write it up
:(

Dear FF-- If you go join the forums, there's a section there for Pee Stories! We'd love to read it!

Ah, thanks GGG.

You notice I'm a n00b :)

Welcome aboard, FF! With a name like that, you must be a lot of fun!

With the number of medical stories on this site, this seems like they need their own section. Maybe "Medical Horrors" or something. Or "Poop in the ER".

_______
Broccoli!

Or how about just, "Shitty Medicine"? I see enough of that to make me want to be a Christian Scientist!

i'm not sure i beleive a human outline, because of that mythbusters that was recently on with the painting with explosives, but other then that bravo. i'm fully sure i would have screamed, vomited and died. most likely in that order.

I want a medical section too, seeing how we have plenty of things to put in it. Can we get Dave in on this?

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Visit "ask poonurse" on the forums. This great feature of PR will never revive without some qualified volunteer to run it.

I've spent so many years suing nurses that I know almost all the answers to these questions, but who wants to listen to a lawyer?

I'm not talking about the Poonurse advice stuff. I'm talking about stories about medical poop experiences. Like "Time For A Change" or "The Grossest Thing". Stories that happen in a hospital or ER. There are so many of them here that they almost justify their own section.

_______
Broccoli!

Some sort of subject-matter index would be nice. Just more work for Mr. Dave, I'm sure!

Or maybe just a separate section, like "poop at the office," entitled "Poop and Medicine," or "Poop and Health," or something, to collect all the stories involving the healthcare professions?

I don't like to create new sections unless there are already stories existing to populate it. Otherwise the section sits blank and looks lonely and desolate. Do we have enough (7-8 minimum) stories to create the new section?

TSV, will you work on a response to Dave? I'm going to pull a Logjam for a few days. Would that I could return with a story as great as one of his!

Dave, it looks to me like there just might be enough to get us started. There have been at least 3 recently, and I'm sure there are plenty of older ones that are not Poonurse ones.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

Hmmm, let me work on this. I'll get back to you, Dave!

_______
Broccoli!

Sadly, right now I am drinking Golytly. Go don't go lightly at all. It's like you have a hose inside of you that's just spraying water out. And it is so nasty to even be around. I feel so sorry for your poopmonster.

Oh My god!!!! What a vivid picture you have put in my mind. What a slob.

It is a real misunderstanding to thing that the obese are a merely a product of their own lazy, slothful ways. . . while lifestyle and poor choices may contribute to the problem, no one sets out to become a giagantic wad of flesh unable to breath properly, move properly or even clean him/herself.
Most obese people don't want to be as they are, and most have tried, and failed to be different.
You know it is difficult to be near these bodies, how would you like to have to live inside one of them, and not be able to find your way out?

There was a lot of drama on this one. Ugh.

Well, my reason for commenting is to definitly acknowledge my upmost respect for anyone in the medical field. This is exactly why I am in insurance.

And besides that, the story was very well written. I could almost visualize it as it went down.

In regards to your boss, how wrong is it that they did not let you "go home early". Weak.

This was hilarious and horrifying gross at the same time, good job.
However, I kinda have to sympathize with your patient. I recently had a colonoscopy and had to drink a liter of the vilest liquid known to man. I always though t of myself as a strong woman, but I swear, but after finishing less than 3/4 of that thing I was crying and beginning the nurses to just make it stop.
(How in the heck did that woman drink 3 bottles?!)

That is disgusting. Healthcare people have much stronger stomachs than I.